The writing writer writes another entry

Mon Jul 21, 2008, 8:48 PM

Ta da!

Well first of all I went out today and stared at the sky and stood in the sun and truly enjoyed it like an convict out of solitary. I've lost 14 pounds, stress I suppose. I'm not sleeping the melatonin I was taking just gives me 2 hours of sleep per pill now aparently I've built some sort of immunity. I won't go mad hatter crazy and start taking more than one a day so I just stopped taking them and I'm not sleeping until 3-5 a.m then waking at 1 or 2 in the afternoon.

Which I did today, we showered grandpa and clothed him and got him on a wheelchair and then I drove him around looking at well plants and stuff which are mind you, really interesting when you don't leave the house for weeks. He's starting to have skin problems he basically has what I can describe as "scars" from the bed which are just the blanket marks and pillow marks I call them scars because they stay there well forever after we get him up. He's also getting patches of dry skin and rash.

My aunt drives like speed bumps don't exist and were on our way to disarm a bomb in a kindergarden school. He threw up, unsurprising since getting up from the bed itself gives him vertigo. We cleaned him in the car when we got to the doctor's office and he kept apologizing and we kept reassuring him it was completely fine then I pulled the wheelchair out the trunk. We got him up but he started complaining of acute pain and ta da the painkiller pills were in the house and the doctor's office doesn't keep "narcotics". So my aunt went back and I stayed with him and a white bucket. Which he seemed very eager to show the nurse when she came in he just kept telling her that he had a bucket and he had it with him and he was using it, I guess he was worried they'd think it was missing. I held his hand and rubbed his back and then he went somewhere.

Started communicating with the doctors that lived inside his knees by rubbing them and blaming the little people that live on the napkin he was holding for making him throw up.

Some doctor came in and asked me a few things then decided to ask about my personal life? Where was I planning to study and how old I was. I answered a few questions then continued with the issue which is my grandpa told him grandpa had dropped weight and a few other issues but he'd have to ask the weight number to my aunt when she came back. He said okay and left. Odd man, I'm there for him to treat my grandfather not so he can make friends with me.

My aunt came back and my grandfather decided to antagonize her which he loves to by not taking his pill for the pain. This defies all logic and reason but I don't think were dealing in that anymore. I know he's scared and confused, he was a dominant and strong-willed person before he was sick. His mind's deteriorating rapidly and he's trying to cling to his personality and who he was. Which means he says no and it's not because he's him and he can be dominant and right even if it's in an illogical situation because he's not registering anything else just trying to reaffirm the slipping core of his being with half remembered memories and stubborn will. I simply told him it wasn't the painkiller pill now it was the diabetes one and gave my aunt a *look* and he happily took it then reaffirmed he would NOT take the other one for the pain. He had alzheimers before this all started so he usually keeps arguing or asking about something that is solved or he's already holding.

The fact he's on painkillers means once he's on them he's further gone and such he's not interested in much of anything especially not food which is a daily struggle. He likes antagonizing my aunt for some reason with me. He likes looking at me and scoffing or pointing a thumb at her and rolling his eyes. He tells me he loves me in very odd ways. Like waving at the air and when I ask him what he's doing he goes. "GET AWAY I'M KEEPING THE FLYING THINGS OFF YOU! SHOO!" which I then proceeded to kill by waving a napkin and proclaiming I was killing them. He also tells me things like he watches over me from his bed or he'll buy me a car. He was never overly affectionate so he never did say or will say "I love you" openly though he says it back when you say it. He acts erratically like asking me not to hug him now then saying it's clear to 5 minutes later.

He got really down today and it broke my heart because the doctor came back and openly gave a clear diagnosis on terminal cancer with him in the room. Considering he's been believing he's cured and will get better and nobody has had the heart to tell him otherwise, he went into shock and seemed completely aware and really sad. I really missed the vomit inducing napkin people at that point.

He is scared of dying because my aunt proclaimed that I shouldn't touch surfaces and not compulsively wash my hands because even common colds kill people. Grandpa didn't want anyone near him for the next 3 days. Don't know if I wrote before, about the incident I told him he shouldn't lean on the bed rail, he was basically leaning out, and he replied he it didn't matter because I should see if everything exploded he'd be dead and he was already dead he was already dead just not in his body. I realize that didn't make complete sense but you get it he's suffering knowing what will happen.

Anyhow we went to Walmart he didn't talk just gave short replies. People are polite here not a big difference but I don't know I noticed it. They dress nice too no excess hair gel, falling down pants, golden or diamond earrings on guys. You know all that gansta crap 99% of the teenagers back home wear. They kinda dress simple like me which didn't make me happy it made me feel not special and part of the herd boooo.

We got food in MCdonalds and some other stuff. My aunt bought me pants for some odd reason. I dislike people buying me things but she seemed quick to squash any humble "It's fine"s. I'm staying at her house so I'll humor her and probably stuff 80$ in a drawer before I leave for her to find someday.

I came home and watched the first batman movie with grandpa though he fell asleep. Then I went to my room and listened to my I-pod and I wanted to actually move being cooped up doesn't let me even walk a decent distance to get exercise. So a mix of working out, dancing and fighting with the air. I did some situps under 20 I hate them and 50 pushups then got up and did a mix of dancing and fighting which leaned to just fighting at the end. Improvising around my old Judo classes and the little ninjitsu a kid at school taught me. My bones are hurting, I'm clenching my fists and jaw at night no surprise nightmares and stress and for some reason my heart starts racing for no clear reason even if I'm sitting or laying down which hasn't happenend before. So yeah I was a human firecracker of joint popping and crunching the first few minutes. As I said I lost weight and I'm not too happy about it neither the fact my eyes are resembling that kid's eyes from the ring 2. So yeah I felt the urge to feel my blood race for a bit.

My whole family is trying to press-gang me into college even those weird relatives that know my aunt but not me and think I just want to meet random strangers for the fact they're relatives I've never met. I got 5-6 months here give me a break I'm caring for my grandfather and basically mourning the living not daydreaming about OH MAW GAWD COLLEGE IS GONNA BE SO EXCITING my future's SO bright! which is basically how they go everytime I talk to them. I'll go I just don't know where and I don't want to go alone. My world doesn't spin around myself as much confusion and anger it causes them.

I'm drafting another guess what? poem yes I know you're tired of them but I have no scanner or higher computer functions and this helps me pass the time when I can't sleep and ease the stress same reason why I write these journals which are horribly long. I'm off ladies and gents and it would be fair to say I will be writing a lot in the future. I don't want to pest anyone with reading so don't really bother unless you're that bored, my handwriting just sucks really bad and I like keeping what I write safe in le ananymous expansive internets.