What's going on?

Tue Feb 12, 2008, 2:41 PM

I don't really know what's going on lately. I'm tired all the time. I come home and sleep at abnormal hours like four in the afternoon and wake up at seven almost everyday then at night by 8 I'm tired again.

People and Things I usually tolerated are just completely pissing me off then making me sad. I'm finding my cheerful, stubborn, cynical, sarcastic outlook on life sorely tested.

I'm locking myself up within myself and I can't really explain why.

Its my senior year I should be happy well I am kinda flunking it but its not like I've never taken summer before.

I got enough crap to deal with right now yet I find myself intensely looking at the past.

Not like it's going to help at all quite the contrary what stares back isn't helpful at all.

More than one person has said to me you have "Old eyes". The term meaning my gaze is supposedly very smart, caring yet however too weathered for a young face.

All these years of blood, sweat and tears. All the people I've met and known.

What I've fought for. The well-being of others, fairness, the happiness for others and by extension me as their caretaker while reaching for the light at the end of the tunnel that's vanished and been relit numerous times along the way.

While it was lit I was fighting for others and my light at the end of the tunnel, when it vanishes it's just fighting in the dark for the sake of others. It's a worthy purpose in life and it keeps me lively in dark or light.

People find it hard to believe I cook, clean, do laundry, do dishes and take care of a large myriad of animals. My shrink laughs and says I'm trying to be a paladin with my selflessness, my philanthropist streak and my outspokenness.

I'm an intensely proud creature because of those facts and the fact that if I suffer I do it in silence. I take care of others but dislike being taken care of.

I'm a complicated creature, a very very proud one with self esteem in tatters hidden away if that makes sense. What drives me is a pursuit of happiness for others in a selfish corrupt backstabbing world.

I've been used numerous times, still however I give the extra mile without being asked to on instinct. People turn their backs on me a lot when they become more outgoing or get over personal issues they needed help with.

Oh it hurts it does, it does. I tell myself never do something for another they wouldn't do for you yet here I am doing it again because it's my purpose in life. Self destructive cycle?

Looking back it's just a bloody blur, a struggle that's made me who I am.

People that have hurt me, people I've hurt... may she forgive me, friends who have disappeared, friends that have faded, good friends and new friends who are scant enough and I'm to be honest wary of.

My pride in my my conviction, beliefs and suffering seems hollow right now. I do things for people and they don't do them back. Of course too bloody stubborn to ask for them when I actually need them.

Wish i could be an ignorant guitar playing idiotic sack of flesh. I'd probably feel happy and talented. (Guitar was a randomly chosen talent not trying to offend anyone).

I feel like I'm depressed again but not entirely sure where it happened along the line. Maybe it has and I've been lying to myself and maybe it hasn't at all. Then again I don't think there's a very clear line. I don't want this thing wrapping it's filthy claws around me ever again.