Ah the bitter beginning

The bitter beginning. I'm writing from the hospital. I got a comfy sleeping bag. I am currently inside it writing. I'm back on track. Confident and cocky I got it all figured out. I know my plans and I know that they'll work. Pulled through for now. Can't be bothered with petty things for petty things they are. I feel edgy...very much so.There will be repercussions but not now. Too busy for them now. Maybe it's bought time maybe it's all I need. I'd gone heartless per se. Determined. Somewhere between splashing in diarrhea for two nights, the long solitude and the screaming fits of an ill man I love. I snapped. I left Friday got back Monday. My grandfather is going through these screaming fits. He just screams and screams until he tires himself out. I didn't sleep. My mom heard it once and started crying I heard it 5 times and felt concern and slight alarm. I think I've lost part of myself in all of this I just don't how much. He's medicated all that does is keep greater time distance between the fits. He never did that before. I left Friday as mentioned before and he didn't have these screaming fits. My aunt stayed Friday to Monday and they started. Suspicious no? She keeps telling him it's okay to want to die, kindly worded ask god to take you, dumb stupid wench that's paramount to torture for someone in his position.

As I said before I'm cold and detached yet driven. Everything will work out. Crossing bridges as I come to them. On the friendship field I must say. It's pathetic if someone's life revolves like that. Sitting in another person's apartment day after day with ganja and alcohol as sole entertainment. Rotting. Decaying. Mind, body and soul. I don't control people's lives nor assume to have a say in them. I got bigger fish to fry but right now you disappoint me. I take that back. I'm sorry it's not true. You disgust me. I'm keeping my distance the emotional support and affection I provide is withdrawn for awhile for how long I don't know. Go be told you're loved by your new bloody drugs and vices. Pissed at you for doing it and pissed at her for encouraging it. Sad really I resolve myself to get there and this kicks me in the face right after it. We cross the bridges when we get there though. A lot more to a person than a few flaws and I still and always will have your name carved upon my heart but I got my own flaws and a burning dislike for such things is one.

I speak of the one that did it. Let's call her Paula shall we? Why am I disgusted not merely disappointed? Because we share views on it. Would you guess that? She's throwing herself into this to drown her troubles and blind herself. We share views in this and as such I held her in this aspect to my own standards. It's just pathetic and to be honest it hurts me a lot. I just tend to tend sadness into anger. I think it the lesser of the two evils in my eyes. Doing something wrong for the sake of feeling that dangerous little kick of doing something you shouldn't, that forbidden bliss of breaking the taboo that you hold yourself to.

Now that that's out. For the encourager let's call her Cristina that sounds good? Well she's been in this for awhile and grown into the issue itself over time. I'm merely disappointed because she probably knew how I'd feel. Paula however is doing it as some idiotic masochistic fling over torn up emotions. For the Cristina I'm not surprised or shocked at all I've come to terms with it more or less.

It's just a dislike I am very much more wounded by the fact that I love her. I want to go to the movies with her, cook for her, cook with her, cuddle, go to a mall, go for a walk, play in the snow, plan a trip, plan for college, help each other with homework and chores, go out for coffeee so on and so forth. I look over and see her rotting for it's the only way I can describe it and wish I was there. I wonder if I'll be enough to turn this around in any noticeable degree.

I realize my conscious omitting of names may make this hard to read. I'm not going to throw around names. I might edit and name them with fake ones. Just went back and did. Lucky you.

All the actions and pastimes aforementioned were things I did back home on a regular basis. So why is this widespread. This is turned to a social musing. A Social worker came in and had a long talk with me the fire's gone out merely musing now. Is it the culture? the geography? The weather? People only smoke pot at parties back home and even then it wasnt everyone it was more about drinking. 5/10 smoked weed casually and were either tolerated or ignored, the rest drank, everyone smoked cigs myself included. Bad Habit, I stopped, Don't do it. Stay in school. I don't get why this is a near daily ritual.

Fact of the matter that happened once a month twice at most. An unsavory issue but nothing that can't be ignored with a dismissive scowl from my part. If anyone stepped into anyone else's drug habits it was over selling or doing hard drugs. Rather harsh drug laws are bad bad especially with intention to sell plus we got our very own drug war going on with teens dropping like flies in deals gone bad.

Pot well the hippies got to us nobody has any serious issue with it as long as it doesn't get them in trouble and the person in question does it casually. Some like I see it as a sign of weak will and a waste of time. Some simply don't care. Some admit they could be doing worse things. Hard Drugs are another thing you got crack junkies in every street and drooling schizophrenics or brain damaged family members in a good ratio of households from Ecstasy to acid. Raves are a big thing. For the most part though we know that's a line not to cross. The lesser of the evils is a well accepted concept.

I myself had many a talk. Being a liberal though they go something like. If you want to do it fine just don't sell it or do hard drugs and if I get busted for riding in a car with you I'm breaking some of your bones to help me cope with paying a fine over your stupidity. Good, clean and simple terms. Never encountered such daily use though. It's like mildly disliking roaches and finding a hundred under your mattress. With a tired sigh I give you farewell for now.