Grawr

Mon Jul 28, 2008, 10:18 AM

Things are rather tense. As I wrote before I've talked to dad and my aunts. It stands as such. My dad wants me out of here and a professional nursing service brought in. My other aunt wants me to stay here though cut and run as soon as possible and get an apartment and go to college. Mom wants me here. The aunt I'm staying here is getting used to having me around and her obsessive manias are coming onto the fore more demanding and loudly and it is getting on my nerves.

She's constantly loud and rude. She's freaking out on stuff like me going to the bathroom and leaving the kitchen light on just walking in freaking her head off until I calmly tell her I am using the kitchen and I always do turn off the lights and she still unnecesarily goes off ranting on light efficiency. When grandpa had a fever she wrapped him in towels while I was sleeping and was basically suffocating him so he'd "sweat the fever out" I didn't say anything because the paramedics were already going to be called and when they came over they told her she shouldn't be doing that and she loudly proclaimed "That's how I do it where I come from" then started telling me the paramedics were wrong in spanish. Considering she's family she makes me look like I come from a country with no medical knowledge that uses filthy marsh leeches and bleeds people with coughs like the middle ages. She's demanding I give her a different set of clothes for each day of the week which she has a creepy tendency to sniff this includes underwear, I somtimes just wear pajamas and nothing else or reuse a shirt if i didn't sweat and she's freaking over that. She's tried shoving pills down my grandpa's throat like a dog when he doesn't need them or want them or openly insulted him, on these occasions I've intervened with a calm and soft voice I didn't know I had at the time. When I was at the hospital I was basically holding grandpa's hand the whole time and after awhile I rested my chin on the handrail because my muscles were protesting of stiffly leaning. She yelled basically yelled to take my "face" off that because it was very likely to have herpes or aids and everyone stared.

I've mentioned some and played down how annoyed I am over these incidents and mom actually defends her over her having a bad childhood and being mentally unbalanced now. Mom had the same childhood so did my other aunt and they are both leagues more sane and logical they are still are outside stereotypical. I had a shitty childhood and a tough upbringing. She is capable of a moment of introspection and achieving a degree of empathy I will not tolerate her doing stuff like this indefinately. Now here's the thing that sparked this rant.

Yesterday she wanted to talk to dad and I gave her the phone and left for a bit. When I came back she was talking as loudly as is her normal tone of voice which isn't that loud but I'm quiet enough to be annoyed by and locked in the bathroom. So I stop and listen then realize I was in a hurry to get something and my footsteps weren't as quiet as usual so I quickly continued to the room I sleep in and pretended to be moving some things as in looking for something. She oh so obviously bursts out looks at me wideeyed which i saw with my periphereal vision and goes to the kitchen.

I can hear a working microwave or a tv with nothing but a dark standby screen as a low highpitched buzzes from rooms away which for some reason other people can't. I have basically very sensetive hearing so she's in the kitchen a good distance away but I didn't turn the air conditioner on and she's not minding her tone so I hear everything clearly. She's asking dad when he's getting married which he says no to and she goes loudly and stupidly teasing him over it. She reassures dad I will go to college and study then becomes quietly troubled because as I knew dad would he brings up the my isolation issue and professional nursing then they start talking about mom.

Firstly she says mom's house by extension my house is a filthy animal shit house and mom will never get a boyfriend with it like that and laughs loudly then goes on to add it's falling apart and basically a ruin. On she goes into calling mom traumatized and depressed which at that I scoffed outloud from the hypocrisy of it. Dad offers something about fixing the house to which she squawks in amusement and tells him he can't do that it doesn't matter that mom's the mother his child he needs to respect my stepmom (the woman dad had the affair that broke my parents up) and marry her and goes on to call mom stupid and immature for hating my stepmom and laughing at which point dad bless his soul had enough and stopped her cold. She squeaked in a pathetic voice she was merely laughing about these things to ease the seriousness of it and after listening to god knows what dad said but I hope was harsh enough she weakly said goodbye and hung up. She paced around in agitation once again seen with periphereal vision and blundered nervously into my room and told me she was just speaking to my dad about him visiting. I was pretending to be a book and replied slightly distracted about that being good which made her take off and calm down a bit.

She tests me oh she tests me. I am not one to let emotions get the better of me. If she starts raising her voice at me which she's apparently starting to warm up to as she gets used to having me around. If she harms a hair on my grandfather's head. For the former I'll make a clear and passionate statement that professional help is needed and will see it done then perhaps take my leave for the latter I will snap her neck.

Figure of speech, physically impossible for me to hit a woman though if I did see her doing so I'd push her or drag her off him. I'd probably let off my most poisonous unrelenting tirade of refined civlized insults that'd get me kicked out.

I have very litte recognizable identifiable emotions besides love for others, empathy, disgust and hate. Getting on the wrong side of that makes for some ugly conflicts. I was planning to write about concepts, ideas and philosophies racing through my head which I made a notepad on but they all got washed away by unrestrained anger so maybe later when I'm calmer.