The nurse that loved me and my future love

Sun Feb 24, 2008, 7:57 PM

I must present a question, you see the issue it poses troubles me greatly.

Issue is my dear reader. I once was a huge mess, falling apart, meds, worse habits the whole bit.

Someone came along and loved me for the first time, really did. I won't lie to myself right now, she did love me once maybe as much as I loved her.

Bliss

Perfection

Now somewhere along the line things turned a bit sour. I was dumped or attempted to be dumped 5 times.

She'd always come back the why wouldn't ever have a closure and we'd move on.

On the fourth time she left me time I went out with a different Girl. She came back loudly declaring "How could I, she always came back didn't I love her?"

Eh on a side note my relationship with the other girl ended because she said she'd kill herself if i didn't get back with her. I did.

Spiky little creature, she'd get mad or upset when pressed for answers when she already gave a obviously half assed or fake one.

It got bad you see? She'd yell, swear and hang up, I never did those things to her.

Ever

Oh she just had a bad day or just a mood swing I told myself... I told myself those things to the end.

She got away with everything, why you ask?

Because if she did something wrong and it was brought up she'd cry or cut and I'd feel terribly guilty.

Guess you could call it an abusive relationship towards the end. I was happy at the beginning I really was then I was just there out of love and loyalty waiting for things to get better.

Through the lying, the cheating, the screaming, the swearing, the drinking... Through it all.

I tell myself now she never did love me at all, it makes it easier than blaming myself about not doing something different.

Doesn't matter if people tell me I was an angel I still failed didn't I?

Oh I stray.. I stray...

I was broken and she fixed me but when she left she left something more broken than what she fixed.

I've tried please believe me I have... I am trying.

I can't find comfort in money or material things I just can't... it's not who I am.

I hide myself in solitude and books to pass the time. I care for my pets to feel company.

It's not like I can love or hope like I once did. Yet I want that again, I need that again.

I'm dying, who I am is dying. I'm tired I'm so tired I dislike being this tired or this irritable, I've always had bitter laughs but too many now... it's not who I am. I'm never hungry I should be but I'm not.

I want someone, I want someone that'll love me how I am as eccentric, silly and complicated.

That I can talk books, philosophy, games, nature and music with. That'll love plants and animals as much as I do. That'll be as cuddly and clingy as me and let me take care of them and spoil them. That'll love me as much as I love them...

So I ask you dear reader, How do I get rid of this feeling? because surely such person does not exist and if she does I'd probably push her away out of fear of being hurt again that bad again.