You just watch me

Dec 20, 2007

I am rather upset and I need an outlet therefore I shall rant I apologize beforehand. It's just the damned nerve. She says I never do anything and that she does everything. I mean I earn more than my keep it's not like I'm enslaved or anything but I feel responsible and she manipulates that so I am enslaved to it. I want my house to be ordered and clean and yes I want her to approve of me once. It's been drilled into my head in part. I clean most of the house and take care of all the animals. She works I know that's fine. She gets stressed at work and takes it out on me.

I don't have the typical teenager role. I go to school, walk home, shower, and take care of all the little critters their water, food, waste so on. Sweep the floor, take out the trash, do my laundry on the weekends, clean the bathroom, my own room (that's a given), living room and balcony. Then I bunk down with a book or go on the comp and eat later on. I open the front door for her, I bring her water, I bring her the remote (even when I have to come all the way from my room and its in the sofa 8 feet from her). She's just lazy and sinks into the sofa and can't get up according to herself. Yet above all she enjoys telling me I'm irresponsible and lazy and it really bothers me and to be honest hurts me.

I've never called her irresponsible or lazy. Even though she is at times. A lot of the time. I let her because I don't see the point of making us both miserable over it. I simply ignore it. She however can't return the favor at all. Over that I am a little automaton. She's a couch potoato. So it's even more wounded pride and unfairness. For example this one time she told me I wasn't feeding her finches the right seeds and I told her to do it herself. They are her finches. I hold myself to the philosophy of wanting something done how you want it. There is no right way to do things unless it's a royal snafu I'll be grateful for any help. I'm not used to recieving help though and mostly wave it away. I enjoy being indepdentent and hardworking. So to the point, I stopped feeding the finches and get this left it to her they died in a week from starvation.

She's an insane perfectionist. Goes all you never clean anything. I do everything and when confronted well I make a list of all the stuff I did, which is a long list and what';s her reply? The dishes aren't done. I mean give me a break, try to concentrate on everything else that tidy and neat and try to be grateful for once?

Now the grand stroke .She tells me she doesn't do as much as me because she works. Oh that's grand. I tell her I go to school. She says that's for my own benefit. She seems to think I just sit there and knowledge pours into my mind or something. So I'm still not good enough. I work like a dog cleaning and doing chores when I come home. That's fair because school is apparently a damned vacation time... I'm an A, B and C student depending on the class. I work really hard for my grades but the six A's matter it's the one F that does. Once again I'm the slacking little dung worm for not being entirely perfect. Her view is so narrow. Trying to reason with her is like trying to reason with a brick wall. I do so many things that I know nobody else would do or put up with it especially at my age, it's just never enough. I'm keeping everything in the house going, taking care of the animals and juggling school and putting up with her barbed criticism and laziness. I keep going on my stubborn pride and independance. Taking the insults and the never being good enough no matter how hard I try. I wonder if I'll crumble someday. Maybe but I'm a pretty arrogant bastard. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger eh? My life is hardship. Other people have it worse though. I think about that often. I do not enjoy pity at all. Give it to them. I'll survive this.

What sparked this rant is that last night she let the finches loose and went on the computer. So I walk by and two things: First the cat is in the house and second the first finch, the hand-raised one, is eating bits of paint right next to mom. Right now the bird is sick it's sleeping on my lap.

Today Mom got home and started screaming for no reason and told me I never do anything yet again. I'm not sure why really I cleaned everything and fed all the dogs. I really love how she screams at me not to raise my voice at her. Sweet irony, no? She's always starts telling me to shut up and raises her voice whenever I have a valid argument. Oh it's all so civilized.

I'm just really tired now guess I'll stop and lay on the bed with the finch. I take care of everything but who takes care of me? Emotionally I mean. I can be fed and all and kept like a dog like I am. I am a man though and men live not only of bread and wine. Though I do and it tastes so bitter for I have done so for so long. I'll wolf it down day after day you just watch me. Someday I'll feast on freedom. Storms don't last forever. I'll keep my eye on the horizon for that storm to break.