Thoughts

Wed Apr 9, 2008, 2:34 PM

Aparently I will be getting my computer back before friday. When said event happens I will be uploading some pictures I took. That is if of course they didn't resort to wiping the hard drive.

I miss my DoW My tactics rely on stealth, coordinated attacks and speed or well prepared defenses. Charges and numbers seem like sloppy gambles. I miss my Dark Eldar and Guard.

Anyways I was buying pretzels with a friend and the cashier was actually polite I was like wow When we were walking by there was a man lying on the sidewalk.

My friend glanced at him for 3 seconds and winced and started making an odd mewling sound. The guy was passed out, he wasn't dead because I noticed his chest rising and falling, so I just stared and took it in. He had almost literally no thigh, the front part of it didn't exist it was just a hole with the yellowed bone showing and flies swarming around it the back part had some red swollen flesh which was attached it to his leg which was also red and swollen.

He was holding a cup and the arm that was holding it had a bunch of scars from shooting up which obviously marks him out as a heavy crack junkie. The scars were pink, raw and oozing pus. Noticing all of that took about 6 seconds of staring in which my friend pulled me away asking "WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT THAT?!"

I simply shrugged and kept walking toying with the change in my pocket thinking I should've given it to him even if it was for crack the man is rotting alive on a sidewalk.

Once my friend stopped making whimpering sounds and constantly wincing. He asked me why I was so calm I said I was thinking. He asked about what I said that we should save up and give him around 60$ so he overdoses and goes to a better world. He called me a "Morbid, emotionless, dark bastard" which just made me laugh and remark "machiavellic" would be shorter and nicer.

That man will never get treatment he's been there for months if not years. His wound is uncovered to get cash regretabbly it also lets the flies in it.

I do seriously think the man should die in a painless way because nobody is going to treat him and if having a hole slowly rot through his thigh didn't sober him up from drugs and get help I don't know what would.

Truthfully it did hurt me and disturb me greatly making a joke just helps me cope and I do admit to be morbid because I don't shy away from the darker face of the world that everyone ignores and pretends it doesn't exist.

Oh the things I've seen and the things I know and I tell you the world isn't as ordered, secure, wonderful or nice as most people would like to believe. Do not despair though there are good and pure things in the world. I try to take care of them for they're all that makes it worthwhile.

I was with a friend on the phone a few days ago. She called me and was completely freaking out because the world sucks and her parents are mean. I serve as emotional support for a lot of people I enjoy doing it. I listen and reply now and then with kind words and encouragement. Four hours later she was still hellbent her life sucked and she wanted to die to the point she was denying things would ever be okay while raising her voice at me.

I can't help you if you don't want to help yourself and I can take ungratefulness or raised voices well when I'm being soft spoken and patient but not for four hours. I understand the need to vent or express frustration we all have a right to and i'm more than willing to listen and give advice.

You haven't hung up because somewhere deep down inside you, you want me to prove you wrong but everything else in you screams in denial. You were not born with aids, you do not have cancer, any terminal illnesess, mental triggers or medication that might trigger such thoughs

You have absoloutely no reason at all to consider death as a serious option especially if someone shows you support for the last four hours. Storms don't last forever and I'll hold your hand through them if you wish me to. If you want to throw a denial tantrum like a five year old and get pissed at me for trying to help I can't do much of anything.

Now I must be off.