Confession

Wed Feb 20, 2008, 8:07 PM

I'm not doing exactly well in school.... and I think I might be going a tad insane

Let me tell you a story.Teachers have always called me a "lazy genius" except a teacher I trusted because she seemed to genuinely care and bet worried. She however wanted me to do therapy, she left the school a little over a year back. She would say "Please get help I care about you tell the school they'll understand you're having pressure and issues nobody your age should". On a regular basis.

I'm stubborn and silent I don't make my issues or emotions public. However she decided to forcefully help... and called social services... for my own good of course... out of love of course... I got a "surprise visit”.

Quite the fight between us after that but we made up, can't say I trusted her again. She left the school that year because she was moving.

Saw her once after that I was a tad cold and she noticed it. I felt a tad guilty afterwards she looked hurt she said she came really looking forward to seeing me again.

If I wasn’t enough of a proud, stubborn, wound up bastard before that I am now.

I'm just a lazy uncaring genius to all the teachers currently, I have no wish to repeat the past so they can believe what they want... it's frustrating though to be branded lazy or uncaring when the least I am is that.

They say I'm cold or apathetic when they scold me or have a sit down about my grades.

Sincerely I can't grasp it, I have this like image way of thinking I'm great at literature and history I can picture it and mould it. See the words, sentences, paragraphs as images and graspable alterable concepts. Play with them, ponder, imagine and link them to other stuff. I relate them to all in a rush it's fun and interesting but...

Log (x+2) = -16(y-1)

Is just like... *blank*

Only way I've ever understood complicated math is if someone sits with me and explains it 6 times in a row pausing and speaking slowly... I can't multiply fluently either to begin with but shh...

I have too much vain dignity they have too little patience. I didn't understand it I tried and didn't.

I have really pushed past my hollow arrogance and fear of ridicule and I end up looking stupid in front of everyone, I have gotten up and asked for an explanation 12 times in a class the only thing I achieve is looking and feeling completely stupid.

What does "Sebastian doesn't seem to be trying or caring about his academic studies" exactly mean? am I supposed to cry or throw tantrums over F's like other kids do?

I have a very patient morose outlook with strangers. I only show emotion or warmth when talking to people I trust and love or when I'm joking besides that I'm usually really quiet and thoughtful it doesn't mean I don't care, they just like to assume. I do feel terribly shitty about flunking. I'm just not one for public shows of emotion.

I don't know how to express what they want because I'll know they'll want to know what else is going on and the reasons and well they can't...

I just don't like expressing my feelings or sharing my problems. I don't like talking and people love assuming.

They don't know the weight I pull and I don't want them to know but I'd like consideration that's incoherent isn't it?

They've been dragging me through the mud on my horrible irresponsibility a hundred times more than usual for about 2 weeks now because the term is ending.

I got shiploads of makeup works, I got my never-ending chores to keep the house going, my grandfather is dying from cancer and I can't see him, I'm not good enough at home or school never have been, I'm constantly told how irresponsible and worthless I am by my family and teachers, my dad wants to interact with me for the first time in two years, I hide my tears under fake smiles, I've lost who I am and what I want just dragging myself through the days, I don't trust anyone with how I'm really feeling.

What I went through in my childhood and early teen years did make me mature. I was going through things and thinking about things nobody that age thinks of. My first memory is my dad beating my mom.

The restraining orders, the bullying, the isolation, the mistakes, the failed relationships, abandonment, the never being good enough, holding dad from hitting mom, my grandmother dying trying to rip out her breathing tubes, the fragmented dysfunctional family, the fight with depression, the pills.

I choose not to let it weight me down but it does so I hide it. I try to be strong and help those around me I find deserve help and am cheerful for their sake not mine. People say I have a very silly public side and a very serious thoughtful caring personal side when they get to "know me".

nobody really knows me though. There is no sad or weak side for people around me I refuse to let them see it from some odd mix of pride and fear.

I'm not as strong as I seem nobody's seen me cry in over a year and yet I cry weekly. I cry and I laugh and I hate myself for reasons I can't understand.

I'm so wound up I don't know how to begin unwinding. My emotions are more intense and desperate each day but still I rein them in and force them down out of some automatic reflex I hide them and show nothing but a joke or a caring smile to friends and nothing at all to strangers.

I don't trust anyone and I hide behind the pride that I can take care of myself, hold this amount of responsibility and not let others take care of me and help them the fact I don't think I'm worth anything or really matter to anyone. I blurt out “I’m fine” or “Don’t worry” to any question of my well-being without conscious thought.

I lie to my shrink, the profile the man has on me is completely fake. The man treats me like a pinned lab rat of course I’m not going to relate to him. What everyone sees is what I let them see and if anyone catches too many glimpses on how hurt and troubled I am inside I push them away.

I love to help others I've been called a philanthropist and a great listener but I feel so alone and worthless at the end of the day.

I twitch randomly, I have nightmares when I don't have nightmares I dream of dead relatives, I have moments of extreme arrogance and episodes of deep self loathing, I care for people but don't want to be cared for but feel lonely and scared, I’m paranoid and question any show of affection from every angle.

I hide all these things and nobody around me is any wiser.

I don't know how to with cope or change any of this. I don't know why I do it.