I've been pretty down lately. I guess it's been a combination of things. Mainly just feeling drained and tired in generally. I also haven't spoken to anyone in person but my aunt fo months, unless you want to count home aids, nurses and UPS men but they are the kind of people who mumble about the weather then are on their way. Grandpa doesn't speak anymore, he's neither better nor worse. I don't write about him lately because I realized the entries were just detailed and often repetetive accounts of my care of him. I still do it daily and he's fine besides the occasional bump like a fever or a skin ulcer which I treat and are gone in less than 2 days or so. He doesn't speak or laugh anymore and that stings me deeply. I love him and would love to hear anything at all from him. It's just me and him you see, all alone most of the day until my aunt comes home and she's nothing but a thorn. I've taken refuge in books, music, exercise and documentaries when not tending to him. Kind of funny even though caring for him takes up a lot of time I've also taken the rest of the mentioned pastimes to unhealthy lenghts to keep entertained. My laptop which was supposed to be my birthday gift came bugged a second time. I've had two friends tell me they've gone to concerts of bands I like one going as far as quoting "I wish you could've been there, I don't even like the band that much and they were awesome." That is a reference to NIN
Concering someone I like and likes me back well... I darkly muse I'll hurt her or she'll hurt me. Probably I will considering my late sullen and dark mood. I do know it's not love unless someone gets hurt I'm just not sure if I want it right now. I'm not sure what I want right now at all. I don't really think about it really. My duty is here but it's taking a toll and I can no longer deny that or at least for this current vurnerable moment I cannot. It's been awhile since I've felt like this. I dislike and abhor contact with people in general even people I've let in before. This doesn't interfere with my care of grandpa since he's innocent and I'm a caretaker. I've never been able to be angry or hateful to anything innocent or pure like a child, an animal or someone mentally or physically incapacitated. For the rest of the world my loathing is plain when the mood sets in. In which cases I take sole companionship of the aforementioned beings as solace. Caring for something or someone brings me peace and comfort, it gives me something to anchor, to focus on and be stable and strong for. Then I build from that into social charm and content until the next foul mood falls upon me and I scorn and hate the world at large once more. This cycle started passively since my childhood. Became extremely aggressive in my early and mid teens. Presently it's rare, like the space between a giant's footsteps and I manage it better. Hopefully it'll fade someday or I'll go live as a hermit. Most people are slaves to a ridiculous culture. They seem annoyingly happy and ignorant. It seems to me ignorance and happiness must go hand in hand. I know that that life's not for me, but it hurts not to be understood at all sometimes... sometimes. Other times, most of the time, I banish that feeling away with monstrous arrogance and pride in what I've gone through, who I am and what I've done. I feel no kinship with people who do not or have not suffered greatly. I think that is messed up sometimes. I can only relate with innocent souls and souls who have suffered or do. Is there something wrong with me at some level?Given I can always accept the company of someone that intrigues me or interests me, an outcast or oddball that I feel protective of or reminds me of myself. As well as of course people who are kind-hearted and caring by nature though sometimes I shut these warm souls out as to not rain on their parade. I got a world inside of me, a private hell of fears and dark memories, odd dreams and chilling nightmares. Strong beliefs that may seem alien or masochistic and harsh to myself to others. I'm rather empathic and caring with the patience of a tree yet this is matched by my sadism and cruelty yet this is only when I feel justified towards someone that hurts someone or something I care for. This however makes it hard for me to define myself as a good or a bad person. I believe in doing what's right and striving for the well-being of others. In brightening up the corner of the world and the lives I inhabit. I also believe supressing my darker emotions such as hate and cruelty to be folly there's nothing ugly about them by themselves. It's all about how you express them. Nietzsche once said those who fight monsters should take care not to become them. I think I'm past that point and sometimes I think I always have been. Just myself as caring, playful, affectionate, loyal, calm, hard working, reclusive, secretive, tough, self sufficient, analytical, sadistic, spiteful, hateful, cruel I am.
I can outwardly appear as a pleasantly social person but it's a subconscious charade more often than not though it has it's honest moments they aren't as often as they may seem or people may think. I'll always be a pariah at heart.
Today I'm not shining. To be the truthful it's more like a stubborn fierce smouldering of a fire that refuses to go out. Yet I'm out or dangerously close but ha curse my pride I worry not at all or as much as I should because I always get up again so this is just a phase. I tell you this and I guess I tell myself too.
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