Tad Overdue

Sat Oct 4, 2008, 2:56 PM

I got home yesterday after two weeks at the hospital. Plenty of happenings have been afoot with no place to write them. My handwriting is not exactly pretty nor fast enough to keep up with my thoughts so it has been rather irritating.

I wrote a fraction when I bunked here for a night. I needed new clothes and certain items that were missing when I first packed. I might repeat parts if so I apologize.

He was brought in for pnemonia but it was also diagnosed he couldn't swallow which is how it developed in the first place with a little help from my aunt. He was on hospice because it the only thing that was offered and I pushed my aunt into taking it since I'd be here 24/7. However hospice is keeping him comftrable until death and not giving intervention. An oversight on my part to not have asked for other nursing services but still we did know and my grandmother was shcoked back to life 4 times before expiring and we wouldn't have liked that for him. They did though not want to give him oxygen or food when he arrived. That did cause a bit of hostility from my aunt and mom because hospice or not on paper the hospital staff are reluctant to feed him without remarks.

Myself? Under the circumstances at the hospital my opinion didn't mean anything to my family. It's a joke to be told so and I laughed at my mom when she said it did matter. As you know she posseses a belief that there is only one way to look at a situation, one course of action and one set of beliefs and it's hers, you disagree and you are simply utterly wrong and she will make that clear long and loudly so why bother?

Here however I say, I think we are hurting him and he is in pain. He is suffering greatly and he's falling apart slowly as parts of his body fail, and my family presses the doctors into replacing or forcing them to continue working. However he does want to live mainly because he's scared of death but that's a reason and so he wants to live. So I do believe me or anyone else have no right to say it's time for you to die now accept it we refuse to treat you or care for you. I think hospice and the doctors are prompting an "the end justifies the means" cold calculative and overall understandable course of action. It is however not their grandfather or father and I do not have the heart to do what they suggest, I understand their point of view and I wish he'd stop being in agony but I do not entertain the course of action as possible on my part for a moment. I find it horrible they do it on a daily basis as part of their jobs. Same as that judge that gave a 21 year old kid 2 consecutive life sentances and a bunch of other years for additional stuff but that's another story. Point is that's damning another human being without knowing them or taking them into consideration.

Anyhow I read 2 Stephen King short story books. I've always liked Stephen King because he starts with a mundane setting with likeable and understandable everyday characters then warps their lives to hell as it descends into horror and fiction and you get to go along for the ride and watch their sanity be tested and in some instances shattered. I care not for horror movies about simple slashers that exploit the fear of dying at the hands of something you can't defend yourself against like freddy, jason or pinhead. I loved "The Thing", "The Fly" as examples and I tolerate the adapted stuff from Stephen King. So yeah Pyschological thrillers and horror so more of my thing Anyone can come up with some unstoppable creature/demon/psycopath murdering teenagers non-stop.

Back to the hospital hm I met a therapist that kept flirting with me well I think she was she kept demonstrating the massages by touching me and asking me to look how she used her legs to use her weight then smiling at me. We talked awhile she was cute she had that mix of professionalism and beauty, the former was completely missing from all the people that I turned down in highschool, actually I turned down everyone come to think of it and stuck to crushing on older girls. She was rather adamant on telling me to page her when I needed her I toyed with the idea but didn't and left the next day in the morning. There's someone else wandering into my heart now and then i'm not entirely thrilled over it but It's not that I don't like it I'm just worried over what it might mean but I won't tell you about that.

We got a feeding tube for grandpa after a period of mild resistance for the hospital staff. An amusing incident in which mom spoke in broken english then stuttered to a doctor as opposed to telling me what she wanted to say and me translating. The doctor didn't understand and she angrily snapped at me to translate. I simply remarked I can't translate broken unfinished english. I don't know the situation just amused me. I walked around the hospital at two in the morning with a refilled water bottle watering plants and I spoke, when grandpa was asleep, to the other elderly oncology patients in the mornings about coffee and oatmeal and how horrible the pullout sofas were against the hospital beds or when they got discharged.

I watched the Palin/Biden debate. I found it hilarious and plain unbelievable she kept answering completely unrelated facts or statements. Well she did say she wasn't going to debate by the moderator's or anyone's rules. One of the worst points was when Biden choked up speaking of his family tragedy and when her turn comes she just goes off again with maverickism or energy, the two topics she kept going back regardless of the topic or question currently being held, in her cheerful fake cartoony way without skipping a beat. It's like she's playing the character of folksy politician and is so wrapped up in her memorizing of the things she cycles in her minds she clings to them like a life raft and it ends up looking stupid and fake it's better than her improvised terrible answers in earlier interviews. As for example of course the classic, I read all the magazines, all of them which is why I can't name any because I read so many. That made me want to do a mix of stare in disbelief and laugh till I pissed myself. For Biden I liked him he was factual and maybe a bit dull but I like dull and factual than wrong and cheerful. He also kept smiling and that was rather odd to a point but it would've been a lot weirder if he hadn't smiled at all.

Part of Grandpa's spine is completely eaten up by cancer. We stayed four extra days because mom wanted to get him a kryoplasty and they kept saying no because of disease progression. She went off on everything from discrimination to heartless americans for being the cause for the negation. I agreed with the doctors and kept my counsel to myself. I didn't mind being the avatar of her wrath, a bonus side when translating arguements for angry people, to the doctors that got too patronizing or vague because it also bothered me. I do and did understand disease progression this advanced would weaken the bone to the point it wouldn't hold a kyroplasty. I mentioned it vaguely once, was ignored and got nothing but the honor of triggering another paranoid rant of purposeful negligence. She saw the MRI and cried when she saw there was no bone at all. I was sympathetic but a day later asked her if she was naive enough to argue a point without all the facts and if she thought cancer was as simple as opening an incision and scooping it out with a spoon she merely replied she hadn't known well getting on high horses isn't for people that don't know but she'll never change. The kryoplasty's mix would just spread everywhere and could kill him since it would have nowhere to anchor.

He lost the use of his legs completely and they got contracted to his chest. I give him exercise on his hands because he's losing them too. He can't move his left I spent an hour or so moving his right and letting him squeeze mine. The first thing he said to me in days after that was "Help me with the other" and I did but he can't move it by himself then he started trying to move and just managed to rock minutely then looked like he was going to cry, that just tore me up. There was also the time I was holding his hand and he gripped it and pushed it away and said "Let's gooo, let's go" as in take me or get me out of here. I had this dream his limbs were contracting into his torso and he was screaming and I was trying to slowly pull them out whilst crying but they wouldn't move and he kept screaming. He's home now and he's comftrable just sleeping all the time. He's unresponsive my aunt is kind enough to start asking him loudly what's wrong, "WHAT'S WRONG ARE YOU AWAKE" and pulling on his contracted limbs and making him scream in agony because "They shouldn't be that way". My patience is thin and I've gotten her off him with barely restrained remarks on how he needs his rest and getting patience I didn't know I had to explain how it is perfectly natural for him to conftract when parts of his vertebrae are missing. She's left him alone since then and I've just left classical music playing next to him while he sleeps and check up on him every half an hour or so with a kind word, a kiss or a rearrangement of blankets for ultimate comfy-ness.

I drafted some stuff while I was there on pieces of paper I need to put them together and work the rest out I will when I can.

About mom oh yes also argued over the usual crap about me not caring about drinking about using a pink cup and getting angry when she starts acusing with outrageous assumptions and clinging to stereotypes religiously. One I simply don't care about stereotypes or other people. I do like being clean, dressing nicely and such but more for me as my own person than for other people. If there's a pink cup I pick it up without a thought because I don't think my reputation as a male is at stake every second of my life. I do get angry because we've had the same conversation a dozen times and after the first three in which she was sweet enough to apologize and me to state she had a right to worry its gotten plain unbelievably annoying. I got her to shut up by quoting my achievements, relationships, restating my unvarying orientation which won't change just for the fact it won't and reasons. She just won't get over it, it fuels her paranoia. What really got her though was asking her if she'd be happier finding group sex and farm animals with blondes porn under my bed and me torturing little animals for kicks as well as not caring for others including grandpa and her, not cleaning her house and not respecting women. Since all those would be manly attributes she shut her trap then for the 13th time I pierce the veil with a moment of connection and logic. She apologized for assuming and said she was proud of me how I am. Let's see how long that lasts.

What else, ah friends of course. After the hospital trip I got all moody and withdrawn. I realize or overreact over, I can never decide which, that what holds some of my friendships is my ability to overlook and ignore. To not expect anything. They spout how other people how other people don't listen, aren't reliable or don't care. Then go okay thanks I love you and act the same way as the people they complain about torwards me the next day, little hypocritical wouldn't you say? There are occasional excuses but excuses are meaningless past a point then become simply wounding on how shamelessly they're delivered as regularly as a greeting. It saddens me when I ponder the fact I can't finish the phrase "I love them because-" without quoting or clinging to some odd moment months or years ago. I'll get over it, I always do.

I cleaned the front steps and pavement in the morning. Yes there's 4 other apartments with 4-5 people in them and they don't do crap but not doing anything because they don't is just stupid and lazy. I don't find it a plausible reason. I'm not them, hell I'm probably better. I picked up a ton of funny coloured river rocks and quartz and spent a while washing them. Took some pictures of birds and squirrels that the zoom was frustratingly inadequate to take them even standing eight feet from them after waiting completely still, worthy of sniper school. I also cleaned two trash bags of trash from the wooded area again somehow. It just magically appears there then again I was gone for two weeks.

As for myself right now I feel like I dislocated both my shoulders from sleeping in the hospital for two weeks, my body generally hurts really and I'm bone tired but I tell myself I don't have limits until I acknowladge them and I don't because I don't have any.