Hey it's Seb (Feedback or advice appreciated)

Tue Dec 2, 2008, 7:03 AM

Preface-
Well I just finished rewriting waaaay down there and skimmed it once. I stopped writing for awhile as I'm sure my past introductory self will say. Because well not only have I been busy and actually having someone to confide with I guess I grew tired. Don't get me wrong it's mainly just that this slow piece of crap computer is in a smelly basement and my aunt also complains about me using it but to be honest I grew tired of writing in general and I might continue still though I must admit the text below was fun and releasing in a way to do.

Right enough rhetoric, we go to the point. Here and on the title I humbly ask for feedback. One last hurrah for old tired Seb if you will. If you can bear it please read and tell me what you think. I think I've lost most of my watchers from either bouts of inactivity or past entries. Yet right now I stand at a crossroad and I'm worried and tired and well yes I would greatly apreciate help. I've never cared for feedback before it's why my style has been more than a little radical, often and ranty. I'm sorry if it can be said I don't care what people think of what I say most of the time. I mean no offense and I do so because I tolerate and am intrigued by other ways of thinking. Right now I ask for feedback though and well I guess I should shut up now and let my past me from 18 minutes or so ago tell you the facts. Bear in mind I had no plan to write this preface or ask for advice. I do so because I was seized by an unfamiliar sense of helplessness and confusion when actually writing the entry.


Entry-

Hello Old Friend, I haven't written in awhile. I found someone to talk to about anything and everything. In that aspect I am more than happy. It's silly I think that these entries never capture my happy periods. These appear as just some long gaps between dates for others have been serious and stressful times. In a way that they merited not writing at all.

I shouldn't be starting off that way because I am writing most certaintly not a wish to capture some happy times. I guess I am giving that impression so I'll stop. Just idle musing forgive me it's been awhile.

Matter of fact that which is a afoot is this. At around five in the morning I woke up sweating and turned on the air conditioner in high cool and well I wasn't going to sit around waiting for it to cool before going back to bed so I slept. At seven I wake to the commotion of my aunt being agitated and in my room. I think I was supposed to understand what she said but well I was sleeping. Now at around close to eight I manage to rouse myself and go ask her what was the matter before she goes off for work. She claims she could hear during the entire night the air conditioner on high cool. Now the thing is, outside of the fact that I tell you I kept it on low fan and I'm not lying, the model in question is not rickety and prone to coughs and starts you can hear. It is very silent now not only that her saying she can hear it when she sleeps at two and three in the morning because she goes to bed late and I later still. She can hear it through a wall in the small hours of the morning and tell exactly when it's on and which of the different settings. Not only that and here's the cream. My account according to her is a "nice excuse" she remarks dismissively, full of herself sure of her "superhuman" senses.

Not only is that an insult it's insanity. Situations like this have repeated themselves in the last six months. I wouldn't say it bold to say up to a thousand times since every damned dreary moment with her seems to not be able to pass without one.

I tried to bridge for my grandfather's sake and I made it work through sheer optimism and diplomacy for awhile, I watched her blasted idiotic soaps with her at times and nodded to her flawed ideals. Alas I can't do that for long especially in these circumstances and especially if she's an ungrateful neurotic hag at every turn regardless. Outside of her manias and delusions. Her monstrous ego of herself and her powers of judgement based on superhuman perception. There's also the problem that yes she's under economic pressure but that's because she went crazy with her credit cards and get this when she realized what was happening just surrendered to it and used them more until my mom and other aunt stopped her. As a consequence on her path of payment and redemption she's also greedy and controllative. She labels foods in the fridge and asks me to cook old things she doesn't want and not the labelled things. I buy, sotre and cook my own groceries. She has a perverse fixation with anything electronic to the point you can't leave on a lamp and go to the bathroom without it being a serious problem as well as more than 15 minutes in the shower and other weirder more incoherent things. It feels not only am I living with a schizophrenic but am living with one during the Great Depression.

It's come to the point where I do everything when she's not around. I cook and shower and clean and take care of grandpa. Then tidy up when she gets home say goodbye to grandpa and confine myself to my room with a book, a friend on the phone, music or to sleep. If she goes to the basement or out I'm back at Grandpa's side. It has dramatically decreased any clashes over pointless manias and stupid things but it's also made things tense since it's rather obvious I shun her company.

There was an arguement a few days ago in which she made it clear by a loud slip of the tongue she resents me being here. I can deal with that God knows I resent her. She tried to make ammends on how she didn't mean it and she was just frustrated and didn't mean it when it was obvious it's exactly what she meant when she said it. The ammends and apology tasted like ash in my mouth yet I nodded politely for the sake of tense peace.

I spent that afternoon staring at this loveable atrophied near a century old being composed only it would seem of skin and bones. I love him dearly, I love him because he raised and I love him because he's so frail and sick and I'm his caregiver. I don't expect you to understand. I'm protective towards him because nobody takes care of him like I do. Especially not that beast I'm forced to live with that keeps telling him it's okay to die and that he is going to and gave him pnemonia twice while I slept. Of course I ended staying at the hospital for weeks on end when that happenend not her. Of course not the nurses neither though I don't resent that. They have 12 other patients in their shift. In the end though yes I'm bitter.

I stared at him and wished it was just me and him. Because it just is me and him and it could be me and him. I'm with him everyday, I can count the times I've left this apartment in the last six months with one hand.

This has drawn out and I apologize that I filled a great deal of it with anger. I'm sure anyone logical would not need that much persuasion that she is an unpleasant human being in more ways than one. The point is that I've gone past indifferent and I've gone past tired of tolerating my aunt. I'm sick of it. I think and it fills me with an immense sadness and dark foreboding. I'm not tired of my grandfather. Taking care of him makes me happy and of course I'm not sick or indifferent nor would be ever of caring of him. I just wish it was me and him or me and him and anyone else. It makes me immensely sad because it's not fair. I'm sick though, I'm sick of the constant negative attitude of arrogance and ungratefulness, gross stupidity that also affects my grandfather and the plain damned insanity of having to also live with my aunt.

I might go back home or to my other aunt's house. For awhile I hope but I doubt I'd be welcome here again well because I don't feel welcome right now nor ever have. I wish I could strap grandpa to my back and get on a plane. I would never forgive myself if something happens to him after I go.

There's always been talk about a paid daily nursing service. Which has resurfaced more and more amongst my other concerned family members as this has been going on and turning into a 6 month ordeal for me. Still unless my uncle came back and even then some part of me would consider living illegally in the basement to stay with grandpa and continue taking this slow silent martyrdom regardless. If he did come back it's the only clear exit strategy I've ever had simply because 4 people are too many people for this apartment and grandpa would have company. I would accept those terms even if grudgingly still. I'm sure my aunt would love the 8 hour lady and me out. He would be cared for just not by me. Which is why I can't bring myself to say " He would be cared for well".

I want to be with him until the end. I'm not tired of taking care of him. I'm just sick of tolerating her. It's starting to become a physical thing. I just want to go home or anywhere with my grandpa and be with him there.

So the question that haunts me is "What to do?". Take a week or two to clear my head. Maybe it'll rattle my aunt into realizing that she should suck it up and apreciate? I do a lot here. I doubt it though I bet she'll just holler the 8 hour lady and leave it at that. Do I stay? Do I go and trust the 8 hour lady and that my uncle will come back in less than 2 months and entrust my grandfather's care to that? Do I go for two weeks while being adamant that I will return?

I know I shouldn't but my mind keeps turning to the wish of me and him somewhere else. Just me and him until the end.