Can't sleep

Wed Jul 30, 2008, 10:42 PM

I want to know what's wrong. I know things and not knowing me causes me a great deal of anxiety.

I've been let down a lot and I've been prey to less-than admirable emotions and feelings. So many things inside that I could do without you know desires and urges so on. I thought that by dettaching myself from them I'd be better of. I'd be safer. So my quest for detaching and atrophying those pesky betraying things called emotions begun and so it went for a long span of time.

Until someone helped me realize that perfection is not reached by repression or dehumanization. It is by balance one must have balance that is what brings one closer.

So I left my safe little cave of cold ordered and controlled detachment and repression.

I decided to try tapping into my emotions, to release if you will. Currently leaving me like a starving man that has eaten too much or someone hyperventilating after asphyxiating. Simply put an overload with no way to discharge.

I feel on the brink of something, tettering on the edge. I'm not sure if it's damnation or salvation but I am greatly terrified of both. I am on a level extremely glad for the change. Not silently forgetting and pushing aside the troubles. Wearing pain and discomfort like a favorite shirt.

My reaction right now isn't the most noble and I am honestly unnerved by the current sudden illogical yet driving urge that has beset me.

I'm sure the Isolation and stress I'm under have really helped mould the situation though telling myself that is like blowing kisses into a whirlwind for all the help it gives.

I've never thought it wrong to feel lost as long as that feeling precedes some plan do something about it. For the first time in a long time I don't have a plan there's plenty of possibilities and probabilities but they seem so faded.

I just... am very confused would be a word though I feel like there's a maelstorm inside my chest so confused seems like an understatement.

I'm just holding on with bloody knuckles. I wish someone would just shut me down and fix me or I'd know how to fix myself.