Dear JOORNAL

Mon May 26, 2008, 10:38 PM

Well um I haven't really left my house in somewhere over two weeks. I can't really tell because I don't know the date or the day of the week anymore it's all an isolated blur. I'm sleeping at odder hours than usual and my regular insomia has manifested itself as going to bed at 4a.m and waking up at 10a.m. for more of the same.

I'm fighting with mom as always so that's not a surprise. She treats me like it's my responsibility to answer the door, get her water or the remote, make food and feed the animals so on basically be her majordomo but with no human rights to stop or for privacy. She doesn't really do anything at all just sit and watch tv and tell me to bring her stuff or do things around the house. Which she can't do even if she's standing infront of them as in if I'm planting something in the backyard she starts yelling my name angrier and angrier until I come because she is standing infront of the trash can which is full and it needs to be taken out. She's angry because I didn't come running fast enough. Oh yes perfectly fair I do everything and she can't do it even if I'm halfway around the world and she's infront of it. She just yells at me and gets angry and insulting if I'm not fast or diligent enough.

I'm usually a tough, mean insulting sarcastic bastard in these scenarios, scenarios which I carry out under the threat of blackmail and/or some perverse sense of duty. She did manage to worm into my head i'm responsible for all of the house and animals and she's not because she works. Engineered or not I enjoy cleaning and I enjoy caring for the plants and animals. I like my house but I do not however enjoy her company.. at all. I dislike her coming home and I curse savagely when she wakes up because everything is so nice and calm before it and it won't be in the future because of a constant stream of orders and abuse. I console her when she cries or seems genuinely upset. Any sort of affection she tries to show is like droplets in the ocean and I spurn them as the empty things they are. She's manipulative and uses me as her workhorse by making me feel guilty or by hurting I can usually throw these aside and bite back.

She sat me down for *three* hours because she's worried I approve of gay life styles in the sense "It's their life everyone has a right for happiness". She started calling them spiritual lepers who will burn in hell that must be discriminated because they threaten us with corruption of ourselves and our loved ones into their lifestyle and with aids because they're filthy unnatural beings.

Now I must add she thinks I'm gay or in danger of becoming one. Because I don't have a father figure and because I ignore most female attention directed at me as of late, well actually I ignore most attention directed at me I'm anti-social for strong relationships and that's because I value true friendship and I when I find someone I love or think themselves as a true friend I truly dedicate myself to them. Really into quality not quanitity though being polite and helpful makes it awkward sometimes. Anyways I'm waiting for the right person I guess she can't understand that but then again she thinks in sterotypes and shallowness and the least thing I fit is a sterotype. I have assured her calmly and throughly that I am not and will never be gay because I like girls and I find the female body one of the most beautiful things on this earth. Aparently she's too thick to register it even though I've explained it like 6 times. when i snapped on the 7th time she acted like all her worst fears had come true and that my snapping at her was proof of my sexual insecurity... no I'm actually really bloody tired of ressuring your stupid paranoia.

About the Father Figure well I'm a , polite, morbid friendly, deep thinking, Empathic, insanely curious, weird, funny acoording to people and creative guy.. or at least i'd like to think so. Anyhow I don't think I would all those things if I had a normal upbringing especially when i look at people around me who did... maybe I just matured too fast as people say and they will also in time *shrugs* All in all I love my Dad court order and holding him from hitting mom that got the order in the first place and all.

Right steering back! She sat me down and told me how filthy, terrible, deserving of all the zealous passionate hate I could muster. Ironically I muster such spite for intolerant discriminating people or those hurt others for the sake of self fullfillment or plain unprovoked sick sadism. Being the Cynical sarcastic kind of person I am, I really couldn't help it, I started laughing in her face in the middle of the fire and brimstone speech. I mean it's so ignorant and stupid it sounds like something out of the witch hunts and her face was so dead serious and tinged with disgust. Laughing caused her to throw a shit fit and start yelling about how serious it is and how I might be turning into one by tolerating such inhuman demonic lifestyles. I opened my mouth a few times to try and stand up for the fact that "They are human beings stop talking them like bogeymen or diseased animals" but these got silenced by burst of holy angry zeal and more thinly veiled acusation of homosexuality. It was an unstopable indoctrination and I could do nothing but sit there and silently assure myself inside my own head that my point of view was right... for three hours.

Friends have been calling me but I just i don't know. They get worried because well yeah I'm not happy and they notice it. I can usually hide it well but right now i'm slowly falling apart a bit more than usual I think. I guess that shows and I just push them away. I like helping people not being helped and they get insistent "Oh I tell you everything and you've helped me through so much" that's about the point I stop answering their calls. Helping others makes me happy but being helped I feel is a waste of time. I can manage I always have.

After that three hour stunt I did call someone. A friend she happens to be homosexual and I love her dearly, her personality and way to express herself just brightens my day. We talk about any interesting subjects and a conversation with her is never boring. I called her and gave her an overview about what happend and asked her if I was right... three hours left me feeling sick and numb. She totally agreed and added in that concerned voice that makes me feel guilty that I need to get out of here and with someone else that's not mom.

Which brings me to the point. I'm tired, scared, confused and sad to the point i'm failing to hide or supress it well. Yes that is a big deal for me it means I'm not functioning well. I've always kept an odd bitter stubborn optimism and a mask to hide the rest behind. I can feel that slipping and i'm scared. I feel my personality and mood degrading. I'm accepting getting up 8 times in 20minutes to get trivial things because she's sitting in the sofa even if I'm sleeping or reading in my room. It's like i'm becoming more docile to being manipulated and used. To it not being acceptable for me to lock my room or refuse to do some random chore. To making the food everyday, mopping all the filth and to actually feeling guilty when she calls me inconsiderate.

I really need to get out I don't want to lose my personality or sanity or whatever I feel uncomfortably changing. I feel very quite bloody alone. Most people would say go walk in the park. The park is full of crack junkies, there's syringes on the sidewalk and human excrement on the bridge. I really don't know what to do or where to go I want to fix myself.