The Dark Knight-
I did watch it and I do highly recommend it.
The batman character was bloody great. Heroism and good and evil are truly questioned as well as put to the test. These little dilemmas and moral questions of course fascinate me. Someone told me I look like Christian Bale without hair gel... again...
people are silly.Anyhow before we go any further I must say. I my dear friends I love the Joker with every fiber of my being, greatest villain ever. His plans and schemes to terrorize and take down civilization are twisting witty plots cause you see let me paraphrase him.
"Nobody panics when
It's all part of the plan
but when it's not...
When the chips are down!
These so called civilized people will eat each other"
I could comment further on that but it might sound spoiler-ish so I won't. So... GO WATCH IT!
Life- (warning long and blah)
*ahem* Mind yourself this is a fair and clear warning I am not skipping through green fields of joy waving at the smiling sun. Very much quite the opposite something akin to wading through thick muck on a moonless night. Hmm I could paraphrase and extend those lines into something after a few drafts.
Right not here to discuss my usually dark poetry. So here's what's up I am having trouble coping. That's not something I've uttered before, I am by nature resilient, enduring and detached from physical emotional manifestations but but but I will tell you a secret.
I am this way for others. I deal with my own issues and emotions by myself usually by ignoring them or locking them away, yes I know that's not healthy but they're mine not yours. I do this to at least appear okay.
I'm not okay or happy, actually I can hardly remember a time when I could actually speak those words and it wasn't a lying through my teeth at some level. I can keep stable and content by helping others. For them I'll be okay and for them I'll be happy even if it's a mask. I have a high degree of empathy and I am truly happy when the mask pays off and they smile, laugh or feel better after I find them feeling down or if they're feeling okay make their smile wider. Masks and masks, wear and wear and they meld into me. To myself I am of little consequence, I am a caretaker and a guardian. I'll do anything to brighten the days of others or pull them through the fire.
It has been this way for years and it probably shall be so well probably for the rest of my existence. There is the small fact though the little fact that haunts me. No matter how much I smile and hold him instead of cry. He will not get better and he's a bit too gone already to smile or laugh. I feel useless, I wouldn't think of doing anything less but my best, pulling my weight and earning my keep. I do chores around the house all the time, watch tv, talk to him and play classical music for him. I just wish I could do more, to actually do something more than a deathbed vigil which is basically what were doing here. Here my empathy is a double edged sword. He is dying and since I can't do anything I'm wasting away also as much as I try to fight it. I just can't deny it I've never been one for denial it's a refuge for the weak in my eyes. Yet that means I am fully aware of what's happening and what will happen. I'm not sleeping because I just can't and I'm not eating because I forget. I still pretend everything's fine mind you I've honed that to a reflexive instinctive level. This isn't like "Oh dear god death i'm so horrified" because I don't really mind death it's a natural thing and I've come to terms with it when it comes to myself. I'm aquainted with death and I'm aquainted with loss. I've lost people in the past a fair few but they were all sudden and the loss is what hurts. This is about loss any death that bothers me is about loss. I've mourned, I damaged my throat screaming myself past hoarse when my grandmother died.
The loss like that hurts like physically having your soul itself torn out. My grandfather has been my father figure. Right now he has cancer all over his body. Big tumor inbetween his vertberae so he can't walk or sit. Some in his brain too which they did treat him for but the treatment caused him brain damage so they decided to leave the tumor there so all that basically happenend there was we paid to give him brain damage. Anyhow as a consequence he spends a lot of time staring at well nothing or speaking gibberish. He does have lucid moments which I try to spend with him and stimulate but they're elusive.
I feel like I'm being fed the pain of loss piecemeal. Slowly having my soul torn out instead of being given the finality of it and left to suffer. When it does happens I have no idea what I will do. I feel the fact that I will lose him and am losing him and have lost part of him everytime I look into his eyes. I hadn't really cried in almost two years after a little relationship situation. I just wound up so tight for some reason it's almost physically impossible for me to cry because I supress it instinctively.
I have cried twice here even if the best I can do at it is stop breathing and choke while inevitable tears run down my face. That's basically crying for me.
What triggered these two episodes was him asking me to gather random objects in the room for him like a: clock, cell phone charger, batteries, remote and a pillow then staring intently at them for a long while until I queried what did he needed them for. To which he replied to build a time machine and that he needed 60 more clocks like that one. That made me laugh which made it all the more painful when he added the time machine was to go back in time and stop himself from getting sick.
The other situation was that I asked him how he was feeling while holding his hand. He breezily replied he was fine then added he was going to get better which turned into a monotone mantra as he kept repeating he was going to get better.
I want to do something to make it better something, anything than just watch and provide comfort.
Besides that I got someone into trouble. As cold and cruel I can be with people I find unforgivably guilty of something. I can be as merciless as that because I am even more with myself. So yeah I am beating myself over it. Biding my time though if impatience gets me in few things it's on making sure others are okay or trying to fix things. This person made me rather happy too so losing them at this point makes things all the harder and makes me feel more isolated. I did talk to Staci about it which is rare for me to willingly ask for help but I won't let it roll over and die the reasons for it are just unfair and stupid.
We'll see what happens right now Stace's pumping patience into me and drawing nice things. Hmm slight guilt over the realization I do wear a mask with her for the fact she's my best friend and I care for her a great deal which is funny if not ironic, if I care enough about you I don't tell you because I want to make you happy and not worry you and if I don't trust you well I won't talk or care enough to open up hmm this is a dillema is it not?
My future ID [link]
One more thing mom's gone and it's not that I miss her exactly it's that I worry. Anyone that knows me well probably thinks I should be dancing. Mind you yes she's hurt me badly and yes we fought on a daily basis. Yes she doesn't love me for who I am. She does for the fact I belong to her as physical displacement of air proof of her power and that I'm property with no rights but a divine duty to obey and serve, well for my son-ness if you will. That's still love and she's always done what she thinks is right even if the consequences have made my life miserable. I've never hated her and never will. Yes her ways of thinking differ from mine and I find them wrong and her treating me like just plain property and not a human being meant we were at each other's throats. I've never been one for yelling, running away or throwing things. I've always contended with being as barbed and poisonous with words alone, I'm civilized ha.
So I've never really gotten why she's that way. I've never done drugs I find them disgusting and for the weak willed. I've never drank and I have no interest to my father gives a good example on why not. This can't be said for most kids in my school, were talking close friends so mind you I've been exposed a lot. Kids at school found me weird to begin with though they liked me so they just gave up pushing and just found me weirder ha. Enough musing point is I do care about her and I really hope she'll do okay alone in the house.
Aparently all I'm good is writing extremely long journals now I do apologize. I do have sketches just not scanner.
Blaaaaaaaaaah
Kay I'm leaving
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