Le Sadness yey!

Tue Jun 24, 2008, 3:45 PM

I didn't go to work today. I stayed home and cleaned my room and did all my laundry, just tired I suppose. I was also getting mildly irritated about coming home and dragging my exhausted body into my room that was a mess and my bed that was basically a nest of clothes, blankets, books and random stuff. I'll tell myself I'm just physically tired.

Though in part I'm also wounded, deeply I know but I'd rather not probe how deep or acknowledge it too much. I know I'm used intentionally or unintentionally. I don't mind it, people come to me when they need help or something then when they feel better they gravitate away back into aloof acquaintance. People talk and some talk that I give good advice and help which is what most remark when they ask me to talk in private. Some are silly like: "I like someone and don't know what to do" or "Is being gay bad?". Girls that come over with "He told me he loved me but only used my body and left.". I tell them they didn't do anything wrong and aren't dirty because of it even if they've done the same story more than once "I like a boy and he doesn't like me back". Slowly explain compatibility and true love opposed to pointless crushes. Kids with dysfunctional families or difficult issues. Some take a few weeks of follow up. They all do the brief gratitude and go back to happy times. Most give me a special smile and greet when they see me afterwards. Some come back later with a different issue or the same. This is the unintentional use and I enjoy giving the service. I don't share interests with them and I'm not outgoing at all so I understand we drift back apart. I am however very willing to listen, give kind words and advice.

I do though utterly loath being seriously lied to or being intentionally used. Seriously lied as in lied to about something important with no real excuse. I catch lies well and I know when they're said out of shame, awkwardness, being a private issue or fear these instances just make me smile inwardly and nod. Moreover if I don't know you, you may lie in any way you wish to lie to me and it won't be bother me, if anything just slightly irritate me which I'll just shrug off as irrelevant irritation, I mean hell the media and the news do it all the time.

Point of the story are close friends those that I help and seem interesting or genuine enough to forge something more permanent with. Or those that call themselves such and I thought as such. Heaven above knows I love them dearly and few they are I trust them as hard as that is for me. I'm an quiet, reserved, mistrustful bastard I just also happen to like to help people but that doesn't mean I trust them as easily as I help them. I am completely honest and trusting with close friends though which seems to be a mistake as more and more turn out to be hypocrites. Talk shit behind my back, say things that aren't true while smiling and hugging when you greet them all for the sake of it because I can't fathom any other reason. I mean hell I love and trust them well did I guess. I ponder I really do are they just like that with me or everyone? Might others I know like that? What the hell do they achieve? Was their friendship ever honest?

My cardboard self help counsel friends are company but trustworthy nay and no open honest interaction means slow insanity. I've tried that road especially after getting hurt in situations like this. So I sit down and make a list in my head of friends. Then I wonder who truly gives a shit and either my paranoia goes on overdrive a bit or I truly end up with no one.


I've seen people cut and run from relationships at the slightest sign of trouble like irrelevant things that can be solved with a sit down or just a little sacrifice and devotion. Which I find really sad because you know who people really are when they're confronted with hardship. I can take care of myself and have seen and gone through more than my fair share by myself to prove it. It still does hurt me when someone throws back longtime friendship for no real plausible reason it happens to me and or I see it happen. I say this because I have no longtime friends or siblings. Friends just make a fond memory out of me or outright betray me when they don't need me anymore, the former most often which eases the sting slightly. People I do things for then just ignore me because I've outlived my usefulness and they got better things to do. *Sigh*
I don't expect or ask for a a lot or am comfortable relying on anyone but I can be hurt bad still really bad right now.

I'm so tired I just wish someone was genuine back. Hope might be the first step to disappointment but I have to hope the alternative is stagnant despair and to hell with that. I wish someone truly cared I mean come on I know I do and it's not THAT hard moreover I keep going back for more like a beaten dog in the name of hope, love and trust. Either I'll eventually be really happy or I'll proof Karma doesn't exist.

I'm tired of getting hurt and not understanding why truly because my mind rebels at the thought for the sake of it but can't go at it any other way. Maybe it's just I'm just a naive, stupid and idealistic monkey? and getting used and discarded is the natural order of things. Please just don't say you care or love me if you don't really mean it. I'm not even asking to be cared or loved just not to be lied to about it.

I need to go to bed I have finals tomorrow.. yipee! Timing for shit like this is flawless.