--Unknown time and date--
There are some people you just never forget. Sometimes because they're too wonderful to forget and they materialize themselves in your day dreams. Sometimes they stalk your nightmares as fading horrors or guilt that cling to your psyche and haunt you in the dark hours of the night. These fade though, if you let go of them.
Then there are the good wonderful memories which stay with you and you welcome them. Then maybe they're placed in some recess of your mind that phases in and out but they're always there. Even if they are bittersweet because you can't be with that person anymore. They're always in the back of your mind.
They remind you of what you had and what you can have. They are bittersweet indeed. I think they're the best kind of memories if you act on them.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Bitter (not current)
--Unknown date and time--
I'm surrounded by blatant idiocy and stolid apathy. It smothers me worse than any murderer in the night.
Why do they call it common sense? It's not that common
I'm surrounded by blatant idiocy and stolid apathy. It smothers me worse than any murderer in the night.
Why do they call it common sense? It's not that common
Life Prose (Not Current)
--Unknown time and date --
As we wander through life we define ourselves.. we refine ourselves...
We laugh on the outside, we die on the inside.... It's all an art, it's all a gamble, a drama, a comedy, a tragedy!
It's up to us to make the best of it, is it not?
To wander through life for me is to define our purpose, our passion, our love, our faith and our relationships...
Of course people can always hoard worldly possessions and use others for momentary satisfaction... as it seems to be quite popular these days... Oh woe at these days Oh dark woe
Foolish little creatures in the guise of human beings think all there is to life is themselves and that which stands against them, their greed, their satisfaction, their desires...
Existential brute infants flailing wildly with no regard for anything but themselves.
I call them infants yet pity's too good for such men and women only contempt does it for me.
Is the purpose of life truly just self satisfaction and ego feeding?
Then I apologize for I truly do not belong here
Is it so wrong to be selfless.. to have no ego? Why?
Was it always like this? or does society and greed just make a mockery out of our purpose in life.
Masks on top of masks is all we shall wear until those masks become us and we become them.
So we may walk amongst people unhindered yet dead on the inside.
Perhaps... perhaps I am an enlightened man... perhaps a mad fool... probably the latter... quite possibly the latter.
Why can't I find a purpose... why can't I find a light at the end of my tunnel?
Something to reach for, something to quiet my demons, something to give me peace.
All this pain will fade as does everything... if I just hold on bitterly won't it? Please tell me that... please...
Oh I laugh bitterly oh so bitterly
Oh I grin wickedly oh so wickedly
It can't beat me... my pain makes me who I am... Bitter... tired.. Yet better. Maybe a tad insane but regardless...
Strong and proud and for that I thank it...
I'll walk this life and I'll wait, for storms don't last forever now do they?
As we wander through life we define ourselves.. we refine ourselves...
We laugh on the outside, we die on the inside.... It's all an art, it's all a gamble, a drama, a comedy, a tragedy!
It's up to us to make the best of it, is it not?
To wander through life for me is to define our purpose, our passion, our love, our faith and our relationships...
Of course people can always hoard worldly possessions and use others for momentary satisfaction... as it seems to be quite popular these days... Oh woe at these days Oh dark woe
Foolish little creatures in the guise of human beings think all there is to life is themselves and that which stands against them, their greed, their satisfaction, their desires...
Existential brute infants flailing wildly with no regard for anything but themselves.
I call them infants yet pity's too good for such men and women only contempt does it for me.
Is the purpose of life truly just self satisfaction and ego feeding?
Then I apologize for I truly do not belong here
Is it so wrong to be selfless.. to have no ego? Why?
Was it always like this? or does society and greed just make a mockery out of our purpose in life.
Masks on top of masks is all we shall wear until those masks become us and we become them.
So we may walk amongst people unhindered yet dead on the inside.
Perhaps... perhaps I am an enlightened man... perhaps a mad fool... probably the latter... quite possibly the latter.
Why can't I find a purpose... why can't I find a light at the end of my tunnel?
Something to reach for, something to quiet my demons, something to give me peace.
All this pain will fade as does everything... if I just hold on bitterly won't it? Please tell me that... please...
Oh I laugh bitterly oh so bitterly
Oh I grin wickedly oh so wickedly
It can't beat me... my pain makes me who I am... Bitter... tired.. Yet better. Maybe a tad insane but regardless...
Strong and proud and for that I thank it...
I'll walk this life and I'll wait, for storms don't last forever now do they?
Drugs and Friends (Not current)
-- Unknown time and date--
Crossing bridges as I come to them. On the friendship field I must say. It's pathetic if someone's life revolves like that. Sitting in another person's apartment day after day with ganja and alcohol as sole entertainment. Rotting. Decaying. Mind, body and soul. I don't control people's lives nor assume to have a say in them. I got bigger fish to fry but right now you disappoint me. I take that back. I'm sorry it's not true. You disgust me. I'm keeping my distance the emotional support and affection I provide is withdrawn for awhile for how long I don't know. Go be told you're loved by your new bloody drugs and vices. Pissed at you for doing it and pissed at her for encouraging it. Sad really I resolve myself to get there and this kicks me in the face right after it. We cross the bridges when we get there though. A lot more to a person than a few flaws and I still and always will have your name carved upon my heart but I got my own flaws and a burning dislike for such things is one.
I speak of the one that did it. Let's call her Paula shall we? Why am I disgusted not merely disappointed? Because we share views on it. Would you guess that? She's throwing herself into this to drown her troubles and blind herself. We share views in this and as such I held her in this aspect to my own standards. It's just pathetic and to be honest it hurts me a lot. I just tend to tend sadness into anger. I think it the lesser of the two evils in my eyes. Doing something wrong for the sake of feeling that dangerous little kick of doing something you shouldn't, that forbidden bliss of breaking the taboo that you hold yourself to.
Now that that's out. For the encourager let's call her Cristina that sounds good? Well she's been in this for awhile and grown into the issue itself over time. I'm merely dissapointed because she probably knew how I'd feel. Paula however is doing it as some idiotic masochistic fling over torn up emotions. For the Cristina I'm not surprised or shocked at all I've come to terms with it more or less.
It's just a dislike I am very much more wounded by the fact that I love her. I want to go to the movies with her, cook for her, cook with her, cuddle, go to a mall, go for a walk, play in the snow, plan a trip, plan for college, help each other with homework and chores, go out for coffee so on and so forth. I look over and see her rotting for it's the only way I can describe it and wish I was there. I wonder if I'll be enough to turn this around in any noticeable degree.
I realize my conscious ommition of names may make this hard to read. I'm not going to throw around names. I might edit and name them with fake ones. Just went back and did. Lucky you.
Crossing bridges as I come to them. On the friendship field I must say. It's pathetic if someone's life revolves like that. Sitting in another person's apartment day after day with ganja and alcohol as sole entertainment. Rotting. Decaying. Mind, body and soul. I don't control people's lives nor assume to have a say in them. I got bigger fish to fry but right now you disappoint me. I take that back. I'm sorry it's not true. You disgust me. I'm keeping my distance the emotional support and affection I provide is withdrawn for awhile for how long I don't know. Go be told you're loved by your new bloody drugs and vices. Pissed at you for doing it and pissed at her for encouraging it. Sad really I resolve myself to get there and this kicks me in the face right after it. We cross the bridges when we get there though. A lot more to a person than a few flaws and I still and always will have your name carved upon my heart but I got my own flaws and a burning dislike for such things is one.
I speak of the one that did it. Let's call her Paula shall we? Why am I disgusted not merely disappointed? Because we share views on it. Would you guess that? She's throwing herself into this to drown her troubles and blind herself. We share views in this and as such I held her in this aspect to my own standards. It's just pathetic and to be honest it hurts me a lot. I just tend to tend sadness into anger. I think it the lesser of the two evils in my eyes. Doing something wrong for the sake of feeling that dangerous little kick of doing something you shouldn't, that forbidden bliss of breaking the taboo that you hold yourself to.
Now that that's out. For the encourager let's call her Cristina that sounds good? Well she's been in this for awhile and grown into the issue itself over time. I'm merely dissapointed because she probably knew how I'd feel. Paula however is doing it as some idiotic masochistic fling over torn up emotions. For the Cristina I'm not surprised or shocked at all I've come to terms with it more or less.
It's just a dislike I am very much more wounded by the fact that I love her. I want to go to the movies with her, cook for her, cook with her, cuddle, go to a mall, go for a walk, play in the snow, plan a trip, plan for college, help each other with homework and chores, go out for coffee so on and so forth. I look over and see her rotting for it's the only way I can describe it and wish I was there. I wonder if I'll be enough to turn this around in any noticeable degree.
I realize my conscious ommition of names may make this hard to read. I'm not going to throw around names. I might edit and name them with fake ones. Just went back and did. Lucky you.
Stay at the Hospital (Not current)
--Found this, written sometime in December by my guess during my stay in the hospital--
The bitter beginning. I'm writing from the hospital. I got a comfy sleeping bag. I am currently inside it writing. I'm back on track. Confident and cocky I got it all figured out. I know my plans and I know that they'll work. Pulled through for now. Can't be bothered with petty things for petty things they are. I feel edgy...very much so.There will be repercussions but not now. Too busy for them now. Maybe it's bought time maybe it's all I need. I've gone heartless per se in a way. Determined very much so though. Somewhere between splashing in diarrhea for two nights, the long solitude and the screaming fits of an ill man I love. I snapped. I left Friday got back Monday. My grandfather is going through these screaming fits. He just screams and screams until he tires himself out. I didn't sleep. My mom heard it once, for a few minutes, and started crying. I've heard it 5 times for hours on end and felt concern and alarm only. I think I've lost part of myself in all of this, I just don't how much.
He's medicated, all that does is keep greater time distance between the fits. He never did that before. I left Friday as mentioned before and he didn't have these screaming fits. My aunt stayed Friday to Monday and they started. Suspicious no? She keeps telling him it's okay to want to die, kindly worded ask god to take you, dumb stupid wench that's paramount to torture for someone in his position.
The bitter beginning. I'm writing from the hospital. I got a comfy sleeping bag. I am currently inside it writing. I'm back on track. Confident and cocky I got it all figured out. I know my plans and I know that they'll work. Pulled through for now. Can't be bothered with petty things for petty things they are. I feel edgy...very much so.There will be repercussions but not now. Too busy for them now. Maybe it's bought time maybe it's all I need. I've gone heartless per se in a way. Determined very much so though. Somewhere between splashing in diarrhea for two nights, the long solitude and the screaming fits of an ill man I love. I snapped. I left Friday got back Monday. My grandfather is going through these screaming fits. He just screams and screams until he tires himself out. I didn't sleep. My mom heard it once, for a few minutes, and started crying. I've heard it 5 times for hours on end and felt concern and alarm only. I think I've lost part of myself in all of this, I just don't how much.
He's medicated, all that does is keep greater time distance between the fits. He never did that before. I left Friday as mentioned before and he didn't have these screaming fits. My aunt stayed Friday to Monday and they started. Suspicious no? She keeps telling him it's okay to want to die, kindly worded ask god to take you, dumb stupid wench that's paramount to torture for someone in his position.
Notes on Arrival on PR (not current)
--Short note on arrival in PR and anecdotes, not current, written sometime in late December--
My dear mother has wasted no time in converting me into a majordomo with he occasional hard labor to do once more. She is once more incapable of getting up to fetch objects that are 8 feet from her so she calls out for me to get them. I however have to get up from my BED and go over. She sinks into the couch and is too lazy to get up. Ugh. I am providing animal care once more. Bitter this homecoming was just plain bitter not bittersweet as expected. Just bitter, truly and heinously.
shouldn't the fear of STD's alone keep him away? He doesn't know where that's been! I'd be more okay with him shagging some dead animal left in the sun to be honest. It was emotional he says. Well I care for Miss blossom like a sister and I'm not offering to put my hand in her pants am I? Seems silly an excuse. I'll leave him be for now the world shuns him already. I don't like agreeing with the world. The world and I rarely get along.
My dear mother has wasted no time in converting me into a majordomo with he occasional hard labor to do once more. She is once more incapable of getting up to fetch objects that are 8 feet from her so she calls out for me to get them. I however have to get up from my BED and go over. She sinks into the couch and is too lazy to get up. Ugh. I am providing animal care once more. Bitter this homecoming was just plain bitter not bittersweet as expected. Just bitter, truly and heinously.
shouldn't the fear of STD's alone keep him away? He doesn't know where that's been! I'd be more okay with him shagging some dead animal left in the sun to be honest. It was emotional he says. Well I care for Miss blossom like a sister and I'm not offering to put my hand in her pants am I? Seems silly an excuse. I'll leave him be for now the world shuns him already. I don't like agreeing with the world. The world and I rarely get along.
Blogspot Inauguration
Forgive my lateness, things transpire as always. From this point in the journal back you will find old entries from another website with a journal application that was used. Links might not work, codes might not be appliable and so on. For this I apologize I simply do not have the time to go through them all and transcript them onto the format of this website. The entries up to this one have been simply copy pasted and you may find references to art or people that are of course not part of Blogspot as well as the errant code or link as mentioned before. You may also notice an older date written on the entry not matching with the one set by blogspot, blogspot simply marks when it was moved.
From this moment on however I hope that after a quick conglomeration of the half finished notes and more recent unfinished entries and ideas I have still laying about I may begin to keep this up to date with present and current happenings.
From this moment on however I hope that after a quick conglomeration of the half finished notes and more recent unfinished entries and ideas I have still laying about I may begin to keep this up to date with present and current happenings.
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