Ah my life

See I'm in a bit of a spot here. Anyone that knows me well, those numbers aren't high, will know I don't have the greatest household life. I have analyzed the situation to the best of my abilities and it's as simple as to why every other person annoys me. Ego, selfishness, disregard for others preached however in a far more twisted format to make it seem pathetically benign until the tempers start flaring.

It all starts when I'm watering the plants in the balcony and my mother asks me to water the ones in garage. I tell her okay wait I'll water them when I'm done and go to the balcony now the thing is my mother is incapable of physical labor or stress, or waiting of ANY kind to an amount only bloated by an inflated ego. So she gets angry if she has to wait 20 seconds and she gets angry if someone else doesn't want to do it because she tells them to. I doubt that those few sentences encompass the whole stress and conflict such outward attitudes cause but moving on.

So in her annoyance she says something that in my entire life and despite it being something undeniable by reality she has never changed. The words and phrases are always eager to escape her lips. "You never do anything", "you're so irresponsible", "You never help me", "you never do this".

Of course depending on my mood is my reaction if its alright simple ignorance, if I'm tired and irritable just some snide comment about being disconnected from reality and a shake of the head, if I was having a great day up to there... I respond in kind and full.

So I go over with my little gallon of water and start watering some plants so they get more water in the soil. She is of course if the situation fuming in the most absurd way. Yet I am ignorant thinking well she's finally doing something and I'm doing this so teamwork. She snaps and starts demanding I take the hose because "I never do anything". I tell her to water her own damn plants for once and that I do it everyday. She of course does something familiar and replies as if I haven't said anything relevant with "You never want to help, you're so irresponsible". I tell her well the plants are alive midsummer so someone must be taking care of them it always has been apparent that to her stating logic that incriminates in calm ways in arguments is disrespecting, insulting and illogical. So she starts yelling at me to shut up and calls me an ungrateful animal as a bitter afterthought. Blood is up and all so as absurd and childish it is I find that with her its a matte of her feeling its impossible for anyone to insult her and I never have except in the worst fights where she has been insulting, swearing and hitting me and then and only then I do swear at her. With uncalled for insults like that I simply throw them back so you're the ungrateful animal. Taste of the own medecine and here is where she takes it a step further because that is what she does she just devolves further into conflict and starts assaulting me physically when threats, insults and non-physical aggression in general fails. So once again i always tell her these fights are absurd because these are things that families especially don't do to that extent and insanity. So because it seems right and you know rational and mature in the situation to her she throws a dirty plant from the floor she was holding at my face.

She tells don't count on me for anything you ungrateful bastard and leave. I tell her hey i was watering plants with you and you started this because I didn't want to do something that is or at least should be now and then your responsibility.


She has her caged finches, her turtles, her plants, her dogs, her pigeons and her snakes. However I have to take care of them and she is most like a child. She gets them and gives them utmost attention for 3 months tops then tells me its my responsibility to feed and care for them. So once again it would be fine if then they were my animals and plants. They aren't however and I'm not saying i'd like them to be mine to sell or do what i please with them but the issue is they aren't mine to help or improve their quality of life.

She keeps the finch cages in the living room and they dirty the floor when they eat not to mention the poor bastards live in a dimly lit living room in small cages and well they are birds and not bats. Because its comfortable for her since she doesn't clean shit and piss on a daily basis like i do she's never trained her two dogs to go outside just me to clean everyday.

However it gets even more wonderful because: She doesn't do dishes, she doesn't mop or broom, she doesn't clean up after herself. She eats and drinks and leaves it there for days until it smells bad or I come along and clean it. I cut the grass, I unclog her toilets I am a full-time handyman. It doesn't stop there, I can't sleep during the day because I won't answer if she calls on me for something. However she falls asleep on the sofa on a regular basis and sits on the computer or watches tv all day, this and going work is what her life is composed of.

So i'm left with the house and college at the same time and no thanks whatsoever, quite the contrary insults and reminders that she lives in her own reality where I'm just your typical rebellious teenager who doesn't keep his head down and quiet and also not like your typical rebellious teenager keeps the house going and cares for animals like a damned zookeeper as well. In an argument she admitted that her logic works like this, this a perfectly simple and right unfair feudal system centered around her ego, she pays for the house (the house has been paid for a number of years and most of it not by her but my grandmother however she insists on using the term) and bills which trust me i don't use that much water or electricity. She is also a woman and well herself. So not me especially not me, nor my uncle nor my cousin who live in an separate apartment behind the house can in anyway come into conflict with her.

The largest issue here is that not coming into conflict with an irresponsible. insulting and tyrannical egomaniac is hard. She valued her privacy so i never cleaned her room what happened the dogs shit on her bed enough times she started sleeping in the living room. I cleaned her bed and the dog didn't again, she was upset but of course nothing resolve itself when the dog didn't again. The couch had roaches so she moved into my room. Where she now sleeps and of course my protests are something that will get her angry. Her promises is how she deals with demands. if her promises where anything of value the house would be a mansion from all the different things she said she'll hire someone to fix (and just decay further) I would've traveled to at least 6 different countries and she simply wouldn't act like she does because sadly she's said she's going to change and manage her bouts of uncontrollable rage. On a quick note she doesn't fix the house because she's scared her sisters will one day wake up and decide they want her share so she's rather content keeping it a shithole and keeping it a livable shithole by the effort and work of others.

Since her life is based off: Work, TV, computer and controlling everyone by force well the promises are a little empty. Which bring me to the next part of the story. She insults me and tells me to leave and not to count on her for anything since I'm so unhelpful all the time and irresponsible. She calls my cousin and he comes over, he's around sporadically and doesn;t help as much but yeah he has his own life so I don't blame him. he tries to stay neutral in situations between me and her. My mother constantly accuses him of stealing and worse things as well as giving him a lighter version of the same you're worthless around here rap.

So she calls him over and well we have a broken pipe that every time someone in the house flushes the toilet is comes out the broken section. Naturally someone that isn't her has to go clean it up, everyday at some point or more than once. I don't have money to pay for that, my uncle and cousin might but they won't because my mother saves and saves and SAVES very greedily and people must beg for money from her and then she will bring it up for years to come. However she hasn't gone to an ATM she asks for money from me or them and then takes her sweet time (weeks) in giving it back and more often than not says "you owed me for said thing" which did involve money but there was obviously no agreement for it to be valid like the way she uses it.

So he does get upset because his father which is 74 has to clean it when I'm not home and he's not up for bending down like that and the key factor... mom can spare the money and make the call if she didn't want to stop watching tv or just "felt like it later on". So sure you guess she's just late for things and she's a not the nicest person. She got angry at my cousin told him she wasn't fixing shit and left. You assume she's not the nicest person and late eh? well get this... the pipe has been broken for months. Of course she would get angry if someone called any plumber but expected her to pay it. So we just have to sit on our asses and wait for whenever she feels like it this year.

So back to the story I walk by the living room where she is sitting on the sofa looking angry and as always she stops me to continue the fight that has continued to boil in her feverish brain at that moment. Most of the times where she simply argues, insults, wounds and realizes she can't win and decides that she can get away with out of nowhere doesn't want to talk about it anymore because she doesn't have the upper hand isn't succeeding in making the other person feel like shit and pressing the matter on why and saying "Hey you're stopping because you're not winning why don't you stop when you are" causes physical violence from her. because she of course is god-like in her mind and if she wants you to shut up nothing, no moral, no logic, no feeling of remorse or consideration will stop her from screaming, hitting with objects and screaming to shut you up for saying in a calm tone of voice you want to continue discussing her faults and the stuff she totally ignores with gross irresponsibility and how unfair she treats other. She will turn into an animal with nothing but domination and subjugation of the other person who continues to displease her because this simply should not be regardless of the cost in family relations, the effect on the other person so on. on a side note she stresses the fact she wants to keep a spotless public image of the brutality and iron fisted mind underneath. So you guess eit family are fair game and people from work, strangers and such are you people to show a nice warm caring mask. She claims she is a humanitarian and cares for so many animals and loves them and also is quick to say her son is a rebellious bastard who likes to stand against her for its own sake, you know teenagers and young adults tend to be like that as well as doing nothing home, this is how she tells other people I am with sincerity and relish.

So I stand in the living room and she starts telling me oh you defy me, you disrespect me and you talk back. You know the Saint is pointing fingers at me. So the same thing I point them back and she gets outraged. She is untouchable in her twisted mind, no one dare point out her flaws to her face when she is accusing them and insulting them. So the situation is serious she can't say anything general or nonspecific so she reviews in her what I haven't done without considering all I have. Guess what she bursts out? You didn't take out the trash yesterday! I've been writing this for about half an hour now and as I re-read what I write i find is so damn absurdly insane. It would be ignorable and laughable if it wasn't on a regular basis and going on for years. So yes as absurd as it was her face is twisted in the most accusing hateful scowl and her most angry dominant glare accompanies it and she says how simple and how necessary it is to take out the trash and how its the only necessary thing I do but I don't because she says it once again: "I never do anything or help around the house." I go fine alright, by that logic I'll stop doing everything else since i guess I haven't actually been doing them and concentrate on this since by the severity of this situation, the fact you've been screaming, swearing, insulting and fuming at me, the trash is the most important and only necessary thing. Your own words. Now when your birds start starving to death which they did when this same conversation happened in the past.

(She told me not to care for her birds because I opened a new bag of seeds when she couldn't explain where the already open one was and started swearing at me over it and of course I spoke back. 3 finches dropped dead in the same week).

So your birds will die, your plants will dry, your toilet will clog, no one will bring you the remote, your dogs will starve so on. Your house will be in a much much worse state if we make your words apply to reality.

Oh no reality and the insubordinate son attack! they have cornered her! a mature person would accept the faults or at least would want to admit that they were offensive and that they do need around the house and that one is being considerate and helpful. A little bit? a tiny bit? We are family if not family then who? Mother and son. The facts are there and the answer is:

"Shut up and go to the hell away, stop talking back to me you ungrateful bastard and get the hell out"

Oh well you see the insults don't affect me, the swearing doesn't surprise me, the screaming and the expressions of utter fury and hate on her face don't scare me anymore, her slaps and hits don't shock or even hurt because its all been done so many times, I'm just tired of it. I do muster enough to just continue talking, in a calm controlled voice. I tell her but why can't we talk, you've sworn at me, you've slapped me, you've thrown a tantrum, you've screamed at me. You have done all that you can do and you could do more because I won't care. I just want to talk and I'm not hitting you, swearing at you, raising my voice-

At this point she gets up walks briskly to me and clamps her hands over my mouth and starts shaking my head while screaming. "SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT THE HELL UP WHAT DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND I WANT YOU TO SHUT UP". I keep talking under her hand saying "I'm just trying to address some issues that have been going on for years" while her bulging eyes and red face are inches from mine and she starts hitting me. Quick hard slaps to the cheeks and mouth. She picks up a shoe and asks me if I want her to hit me with it, funny thing is i am simply not in the plane of violence then and there i am completely focused on just having a talk because while it will quite possibly never work my way to deal with it is to try and try again even the impossible. the impossible is maybe she'll realize how absurd it is to hit someone that's just trying to calmly converse regardless of anything else her mind conjures.

She says she'll hit me with the shoe if I keep talking then asks me if I want her to hit me with it. Typical traditional threat, you're doing something and I want you to stop as a violent person. I am the dominant here so you will either give me permission to hit you or agree to my demands. I will hit you if you do but before I do let me wash my hands and ask you if you want me to. It is a simple stupid and basic paradox so as a reply I still look calm and shrug. She hits me once across the face hard enough for me to know she is losing control. She asks me if I want her to do it again, same tactic so she can if justify it to herself or others if she ever has to.

I don't know what will happen, maybe she'll give me a good bruise or maybe pacificst logic will stop this madness. We are family and this is the kind of crap i can imagine happening in Guantanamo bay when it was working or bad in the head castaways in an island and sadly the situation follows those psychological parameters because there is no intervention from outside just me and her insanity going toe to toe. The intimidation and aggression of an interrogator and a tyrant adapted absurdly and twisted into the setting of my household life with a short woman holding a shoe.


Her life is based on having with no control for herself but depending on complete control of others. Living with her becomes a real living hell after years. I need to get the hell out and I'm planning to but you know part of me wishes we'd just go to a shrink and talk not her start screaming and hitting me because she doesn't want to face her own problems and can't stand anyone confronting her about them.

I am...

I am an idealist, a prophet, the mind, body, and soul of an individualist. Yet, I am bound by mediocrity, but still and always trying to break free from its hold. I stand for decaying intelligence in this plane of existence and enemy to those who follow without question, whom are bound by their own idle minds. I am the reaper of ignorance. The savior amongst the masses of sin. The rebirth of mankind's sorrow and hatred. I am the Death of Gods...

People are animals, they are animals and so much worse. People can embody and in my experience tend to embody the worst traits of sentience and animalism. They have all the needs of animals and all the selfishness, guile and greed capable of a sentient being both enforced by a sick society. They leave out the balance of an animal, the simplicity. As well as the wisdom of Man, the willpower and the capabilities reflection, empathy and retrospection. The masses are disgusting blind herds, I do tend to like individuals, always though it tends to be individuals who don't follow the trend and even still.

I read people well, since early on I've also enjoyed figuring out cause and effect. When you apply that to people and study and watch, introspect, empathize for long enough you'll understand people well enough and read them quicker each day. I'm an enigma to myself. Did you know that? It is a simple yet complicated.

I understand what drives people, the want to acquire material wealth to be more comfortable in this world, to be known, to express themselves to other people. The human being psychologically requires; attention, an ego, goals (which tend to be materialistic) and so on.

Then I talk to someone or watch other people talk and it is just everyone waiting for their turn to talk and not listening. People don't care about anything or anyone not directly affecting them. Homeless people, poor people, sick people, old people, children, animals are just examples of living beings people are more than quick to shun and treat like things and not human beings. They quite happily look the other way and concentrate on themselves and fail to consider for a moment giving them as much value and attention as they give themselves.

People go to psychiatrists and pump themselves with pills because they feel alone. One in a billion, yet everyone thinks their life is the most important thing in the world. Not only that but also that everyone needs or wants to learn every little detail. I'm not a violent person, I'm quite a pacifist at heart but sitting there while a woman tells me about what she thinks of her sister dating somee guy and her child coming over and wanting to play and her beating him because she is trying to talk. Makes me want to quite literally go feral and snap her wrists, which is frustratingly more tempting since I do know how to and can, so she can't hit her child who's just being a child anymore.

I get this overwhelming feeling that people don't think, that people don't listen. All rushed and rushed into being hollow and empty. Listen to the trees, listen to the animals, listen to yourself and find solace in that, find contentment and peace in that. Learn from that, expand your mind past the parameters set by other people, set by the physical world or what other people think or want. It is possible. I have done it, I do it everyday. People are blunted, mentally and spiritually and then they are herded with a carrot on a stick approach by everyone. because everyone expects something from them, their family, their co-workers, their friends, their own parents they all pressure and demand. Such a horrible empty life, lived for others who are as selfish and as caught up as you. An endless cycle. Do unto others as has been done unto you. others tend to be mentally stunted, selfish others.

I need to go now, will edit later

My childhood part 1

I rush here and I rush there and up and down and everything is a blur. I feel like I have no time to write between schoolwork and housework. So I write down notes, short drafts and such. In the end they clutter and make me feel even more like I can't write anymore so I basically put everything aside and sat down to write right now. Of all the notes and scribbles I've made of musings and reflections on spirituality, society at large, scientific theories and ideas, poems and prose. All of these jumbled together into an conglomeration as well as an effective writing clog. I sit down and can't feel nothing else to come to mind but to complain about people, human beings and coming back to add here after more than a few paragraphs down this will probably have a sequel to tie it together.

I've written at some point or the other about it but this writing block preys on me and it feeds on my frustrations. Wow that almost made it sound sentient... maybe it is!

At any rate yes people. I had a different childhood to keep it simple and as such I kept to myself, watched the other children at times but mostly wandered off to whatever wilderness I could find to catch lizards and play with bugs. The empathy i have with animals of any size or lifeforms in general I developed in my childhood and from then to this day. Most kids like to play all the time with other kids and get attention. I simply didn't, I enjoyed going down a steep mound into a bamboo forest and parting only with it when the bell for class rang. My playmates were black and orange ladybugs, green lizards, black spiders, worms, trees, bamboo, rocks. There I played pretend, there I enjoyed the strange alien feel of scales and insect legs when I caught the creatures who scared everyone else. I'd make "buildings" out of sticks and rocks given them a rough idea like sticks stuck into the ground in a circle of a cairn of rocks.

The place was dark, the bamboos let some rays of sunlight in which i enjoyed playing with the beams though I remember that the sun hurt my eyes when i finally got out of my journeys. I was a strange child to others, not shunned because I could catch lizards and grasshoppers and I could speak of animals I had learned of from my books and isolation to their awed delight. Yet I was never a leader, I wasn't picked first or second or third for games, I was made fun of by older kids and others were quick to join in, I simply didn't like to talk and just talk as much as everyone else did. I was for my pale skin, bad socializing skills and strange habits subtly marginalized.

I didn't mind at all I had enjoyed my journeys into the creaking bamboo forests more than trying to fit in before any feeling of displacement happened. I would play pretend with the bugs and the lizards and the trees, I would pretend I was one of them and wonder what it would be like to be a tall tree or an agile lizard I wanted to know what that was like more than I wanted to be human with all their brutish cruelness, I remember even back then I thought the insults they called each other didn't make sense to me, and demands for what they called "normality". Those demands are what shattered my fey world and its why I feel protective towards children when i see bad parents doing the same. I guess its something we all go through but some parents tell their kids not to touch animals that are obviously harmless like a snail for example, not to touch rocks and plants, to not be loud or to run, not to play with anything that isn't some mentally blunting, socially moulded plastic thing. Most kids however are quick to accept it I didn't, I spent my childhood wanting to be a lizard and a wolf and sometimes a tree. Past the demands for me to play with other children, to comb my hair to the side, to not get my striped polo shirts and pretty shoes dirty and to be normal I clung fiercely to my fey world of creatures I studied and understood.

I am on a roll here aren't I? Lets skip forward a bit. So yes eventually the demands turned to forcing and I was ripped away not without a deep imprint left in me. I changed schools, no green just a sun baked hell with a basketball court and an ugly playground of seesaws and jungle gyms, well i though they were ugly everyone else loved them then again none of them saw the magic of nature as I did and do.

No animals, no forests so resigned I was trampled over into the masses to be stamped out into what every parent seems to want, a normal healthy successful professional whatever it takes. So I took what I learnt from my time in the shadows of the forests and the lore of the beasts and turned it with what I found myself surrounded by, people. There in the 2nd grade I realized the truth was uglier than the I assumed by distancing myself and blocking it out.

Over Medicating Children

Alright ladies and gents and whatever entities and/or beings end up reading this. Lets talk about medication and "living better chemically", which I have plenty of issues with already, and add to that children. Today my beloved and significant other gave a presentation on over medicating children.

That sparked a brainstorm in me and a long social musing and reflection in my head and even though we were short on time and the rest of the class didn't have any interest in it, like they have no interest in anything no directly related to them and their egos, that's a rant for another time. As is randomly noting that "Ring around the Rosie" is based on the horrid and disgusting symptoms of the black plague.

So I do not believe in living chemically. Why? because we're equipped not to do so and willpower and patience should be exercised more than pumping ourselves with chemicals when it comes to our problems and illnesses. Sure I do understand some people do need it of course but it is so widely and casually distributed and used. i heard this article that a child was medicated and put in a psychiatric hospital because of a temper tantrum... thing is this child wasn't a teen, he was 6. So people have a pill for everything these days and blindly trust doctors, who are as corruptible as any other human being. As she very well mentioned some pharmaceutical comes over and tells them, directly or indirectly, this is our new, refined, best pill, "Prescript it as much as you can". Hell one day you'll go to your psychiatrist's office and those bowls they keep around won't have mints or jellybeans it'll have antidepressant samples.

So to continue with the fun fact that she mentioned Ritalin's warning ad says that it may cause sudden death and it struck me! How much stuff? How many? How many of the things we buy have warning ads? 80-95% of them? Hell the packets of peanuts they give you in airplanes say "may contain peanuts", microwavable food says "Will be hot after heating" and every drug prescription or not will make you dizzy, nauseated, have cramps or suffer mood swings or a combination of those just to give a scant example. So guess what? I realize I included and most people don't bother reading them anymore because we are so used to it and well there's a prime example one says may cause sudden death and thousands of children take it everyday.

Then they get all of these stupid names like defiant bullshit disorder and hyperactivity something syndrome. Well you know what before your obsessive naming kind came along kids were just kids, some harder to raise than others. They weren't children whose fate was in the hands of irresponsible parents and doctors who'll up the dosage to keep him down. How is it right to dope a child? He has no right to say no I don't want it. if he technically does what happens behind closed doors in a house and the pressure and atmosphere that forms is nothing that has to do with technicality.

So you know what i think? the parents are the problem more often than not. Don't get me wrong some kids are little demons that need to be toned down maybe even artificially. However giving them pills is not in any way or form the solution and that is exactly what it is being used as. He stops reacting to the dosage, up it. Parents who just want their kids out of the way the easiest quickest way. The disturbing factor is how young the children are, as times goes on parents and doctors get bolder and bolder. I mean six? and that mom that they say she killed her child by doping it so she could go party. That is twisted by any standard I can set and yet it is setting insidiously into society like something normal and acceptable.

These drugs have not been thoroughly tested on children and the consequences have not been felt yet but at the rate it is becoming popular and the scale its taking I'm sure we'll feel the consequences somewhere over a decade or so. To close this off I repeat myself. Drugs are not the solution, there is an age limit as well because the repercussions cannot be felt yet and lowering the age limit is something that should be strongly and analytically taken apart with a conscience and patience not by the fickle tides of capitalism and consumerism. I have no problem with the drug being something used in conjunction with therapy, communication and a spirit of self-help. Yet it is a serious and unnerving issue that it is used for turning children into zombies for their parents benefit and leisure and adults into legal junkies. The housewife who can't wait to get home to take a Valium and pass out on the bed is no better than a junkie lying with a needle stuck in his arm passed out in a gutter. It is also more often than not the parents, who may or not abuse prescribed medications themselves, the source of the problem and not the child and when the child does develop "problematic behavior" for the parent they take the fastest, proven and easiest route to block out the problem. Drugs.

Legal ones, because that you can't mellow your kid out with Marijuana 24/7 doesn't mean you can take him to some quack doctor and shove Valium down his throat and get the same result you wanted so you can forget the responsibilities and challenges of parenthood.

There is something wrong with me

Well after the aforementioned horrid attempts of interacting online with other human beings I just made another messenger account and started talking with myself.

---------------

Seb: I is serious cat!
Sebastian Fuentes: no thee is not
Sebastian Fuentes: take that back
Seb: make me
Sebastian Fuentes: I SHALT MURDER THEE AND CAST THY INNARDS TO THE SEA DRAGONS
Seb: Thou shall try
Sebastian Fuentes: and succeed...
Seb: villain I say!
Seb: villain!
Sebastian Fuentes: How do does thee dare!
Seb: I'm not sure...
Sebastian Fuentes: I is serious cat here!
Seb: Nay!
Seb: I is serious cat
Seb: I is the most serious cat to talk this earth in the last ten thousand years!
Sebastian Fuentes: I is the most serious cat to walk this plane of existence in the last ten millennia!
Seb: lies I say!
Sebastian Fuentes: truth
Seb: if indeed
Sebastian Fuentes: yes?
Seb: Where do babies come from?
Sebastian Fuentes: I'm... I'm not sure...
Seb: aha!
Sebastian Fuentes: well do you know?
Seb: um no...
Sebastian Fuentes: Woohoo I win
Seb: you don't know either ayah silly face

I was raped by an anthropomorphic tiger

More internet fun, a random guy pretending to be a tiger online tried to have cybersex with me. Another friend told me to add him, I came to regret the decision.

Copy+paste. Some people need counseling.

---------------



Sazu the Gay Tiger says:
I want to be rubbed
Seb says:
good for you
Sazu the Gay Tiger says:
*lays down and licks my hind leg showing off my hindquarters*
Seb says:
nice um... stripes
Sazu the Gay Tiger says:
*licks my sheath*
Sazu the Gay Tiger says:
Mr. Muffins..... *rubs against your leg purring* This kitten is very hot.... *whimpers*
Sazu the Gay Tiger says:
Mr. Muffins..... *rubs against your leg purring* This kitten is very hot.... *whimpers*
Seb says:
calm down there cowboy
Sazu the Gay Tiger says:
*licks your leg*
Seb says:
Why my dear anthropomorphic tiger friend are you trying to mate with me?
Sazu the Gay Tiger says:
*sits down and looks at you whimpering*
Seb says:
there there
Seb says:
I'm sure there is a nice tiger person out there for you
Sazu the Gay Tiger says:
*rubs against your leg affectionately purring*
Seb says:
out there... not on my leg
Sazu the Gay Tiger says:
*whimpers and tries to get on your leg*
Sazu the Gay Tiger says:
*whimpers and tries to get on your leg*
Seb says:
bad kitty
Seb says:
I'd throw water at you but tigers swim
Seb says:
and outside that are very large deadly felines
Seb says:
so
Seb says:
I'm out of ideas
Sazu the Gay Tiger says:
*wraps my front paws around your leg and pushes my sheath against your foot*
Seb says:
you're an anthropomorphic tiger with a foot fetish?
Sazu the Gay Tiger says:
*grunts and humps you moving my sheath under your pants as something wet touches your skin*
Seb says:
*flails wildly*
Seb says:
This is the worst acid trip I've ever had!
Sazu the Gay Tiger says:
*grunts harder as something warm goes up your leg slightly leaving a soft wet feeling*
Seb says:
quite the sick trip friend but I really need to get ready for work
Sazu the Gay Tiger says:
*gets off your leg my erect member slipping from your pants dripping pre*
Seb says:
thank you
Sazu the Gay Tiger says:
*licks at my red member as it withdraws back in my sheath**

Idiocy this bad isn't funny

Messenger conversation between me and a friend, I would be Grendh'al. Grendh'al being a funny spelling for Grendel. Anyhow:

----------------------------------


Staci says:
of course
Grendh'al says:
You guys are using your rubbers and whatnot right
Staci says:
umm most of the tim
Staci says:
e
Staci says:
i drew a chibi crying
Grendh'al says:
...
Grendh'al says:
That has to be the worse attempt at dismissing a topic I have ever come across
Staci says:
lol
Staci says:
look at it
Grendh'al says:
it's a nice chibi
Grendh'al says:
I see it
Grendh'al says:
*pat pat* I commend your chibi skills
Staci says:
yay!
Grendh'al says:
Now
Grendh'al says:
What do you mean MOST of the time
Grendh'al says:
What happens the not so most of the time?
Grendh'al says:
You run out?
Staci says:
lol
Staci says:
we usually dont start with one, and only a couple times have we finished without one
Grendh'al says:
You know there's this thing called pregnancy
Grendh'al says:
you know like what happenend to Mel
Grendh'al says:
That happens when you finish without one
Grendh'al says:
and it's usually a good idea not to pull such stunts during high school
Grendh'al says:
Just saying m'dear
Staci says:
yeah
Staci says:
but i dont care xp
Grendh'al says:
Why?
Grendh'al says:
Are you trying for a kid?
Staci says:
not really
Staci says:
whatever happens happens
Grendh'al says:
um
Grendh'al says:
There's a pretty clear line inbetween sex with condoms and sex without it. I don't see a lot of chance happening there
Grendh'al says:
Let's try to shake the apathy there off for a moment. Okay and if a HUMAN BEING starts growing in your womb?
Staci says:
but i dont care if it happens
Staci says:
i would verymuch so embrace that part of life
Grendh'al says:
So you are trying for one
Grendh'al says:
in a roll of dice
Staci says:
not really
Staci says:
just whatever happens, happens
Grendh'al says:
No whats happens without a condom happens and what doesn't happen with one doesn't happen
Grendh'al says:
Wear one if you're not ready for a child
Staci says:
doesnt always happen, but it can
Grendh'al says:
financially
Staci says:
i am not concerned
Grendh'al says:
it can
Grendh'al says:
it very much can
Staci says:
yes i agree it can
Staci says:
you dont need to lecture me
Grendh'al says:
No I need to shake some bloody sense into you. Use the money you spend on your cigarettes and use it on condoms and use them. Then in the future plan for your child.
Staci says:
i have condoms
Staci says:
and we use them most of the time
Grendh'al says:
Pray tell, why not all the time?
Grendh'al says:
There has to be more to it than apathy
Staci says:
apathy?
Staci says:
define por favor
Grendh'al says:
"I dont care whatever happens happens"
Grendh'al says:
Considering pregnancy and raising children is pretty important
Grendh'al says:
and a defining factor ina person's life and those around him
Staci says:
of course it is
Grendh'al says:
I choose apathy as a word
Grendh'al says:
Apathy (also called impassivity or perfunctoriness) is a state of indifference, or the suppression of emotions such as concern, excitement, motivation and passion. An apathetic individual has an absence of interest or concern to emotional, social, or physical life. They may also exhibit an insensibility or sluggishness.
Grendh'al says:
You either want a kid or you don't want a kid
Staci says:
im not a stupid ignorant child, i know what the possiblities are and i believe that it should be left to fate. when the time comes for me to have a child, i will, and i will do a damn good job raising him or her and i will work hard for them and give them all the best. and it will happen whenever it will.
Grendh'al says:
Fate is a joke. People who want to have them do and people who don't want to don't and then there are the accidents or first time I come across bizzare gambles.
Grendh'al says:
Is David going along with this?
Grendh'al says:
Does he think God will decide when or something like that?
Grendh'al says:
You should probably draw an angry Chibi the happy one seems ironic
Staci says:
fate is not a joke
Staci says:
its not about god
Staci says:
david doesnt want a child right now
Staci says:
and now my chibi is smug
Grendh'al says:
There are probabilities and percents. Stop riding through the clouds, you guys are a couple just like luke and Mel.
Grendh'al says:
Interrupting the drama Christa's texting me asking why arent you at school
Staci says:
cuz im fucked up
Grendh'al says:
Sick?
Staci says:
nah just in the head
Grendh'al says:
Deal
Grendh'al says:
She'll probably want to pick you up let me text her
Staci says:
ok
Grendh'al says:
Done
Staci says:
k
Grendh'al says:
So outside that fate controls sperm and menstrual cycles
Staci says:
fate is not controlling
Staci says:
fate is the future
Grendh'al says:
Why are you not feeling so great
Grendh'al says:
future is what you make it
Staci says:
it is not set, it is always changing, but everything happens for a reason, and that is the fate
Grendh'al says:
fate controls sperm and menstrual cycles for it's own reasons
Grendh'al says:
Don't see that much of a difference

Dream with Grandpa

I had a dream which although being rather odd was comforting. Reckon it speaks of a bizarre psyche and tortured ends which wouldn't surprise me. So here's the dream, I stand in an nondescript institution with my grandfather and there's activity all around. We are approached by men in formal wear who tell me they will help if we go with them. Now an undeniably important fact is that my grandfather has shrunk in the dream. He is about 4 feet tall yet completely to scale. I pick him up and holding him in my arms follow the men out of the building.

In the car there is a dialogue which I do not remember well, I have some vague recollection of pressed need for secrecy and discretion. Then I receive a text on my phone that states simply: "You are in danger, it is a trap".

From there a sense of danger and alertness fills me from head to toe like a physical liquid fire. Nevertheless I reassure my to scale grandfather we will be alright. We arrive to an oddly nondescript warehouse with some scarce blank faced individuals wearing black body gloves going about as in a hurry. There is also a faint growling echoing from somewhere within the warehouse in a surreal way. I spy a bike sitting near me and see the gate we came through is being closed and make my move. I put my grandfather in my backpack with a hug and get on the bike and make for the closing gate.

The gate stops closing as if a miracle and I go through. Shouts and voices are heard from within and the men that brought us here speak urgently into earpieces. Then well, then humanoid mutants looking like the mix between someone extremely fat and someone extremely muscled as in patches of fat and patches of muscle make up their physique randomly. Being around 8 feet tall they come charging at us. I bike as hard as I can, it is dusk nearly night but the sky is a strange yellow. I get to a sort of employee's lounge and yell for help. Nobody seems to care, the monsters round one of those big containers you see at ports. I can't quite recall what they are called but the place is a maze made from them.

Some men shout in surprise others simply continue eating. A middle aged fellow walks up to them and says with a pure southern drawl: "You oughta ain't be chasin them-" as I round a big red container my heart swells with hope that this man can stop them or distract him for long enough.
Then I hear gristle, bone, flesh, in short the whole human body being crushed and his words cut short. I bike as hard as I can but seem to go no faster and come to a dead end with a chain link fence. I ditch the bike and climb with Grandpa at my back asking me where am I going. I tell him we will be home soon. The fence is abnormally tall as they usually are in my dreams. As I reach the top the monsters round the container and charge at us. As they're about to hit the fence I wonder if I can land well from about 20 feet and how safe grandpa would be and if I did how long the chain link fence would hold. Then think shit this is an "iffy" situation and go over the fence and start climbing down the other side.

Then my dad turned on the light and I woke abruptly.

Dream of Dad's House

I have dreamt once more. Much more going on than what I can currently recall. My recollection begins with me abruptly standing outside my dad's house facing a witch. She is bloated, fat, covered in boils and wearing a ragged torn robe of vomit green. The witch holds a silver wands and absurdly yells "I'm going to get you, I'm going to get you!" and wobbles after me.

I simply pluck the silver wands from her chubby clumsy fingers and press it on her face. Her flesh hisses and melts from the silver. Once again the absurdity continues with her proclaiming "My wand! mine you no have!" and me declaring back "It's mine now I took it! mine mine!'. She flails at me and I press it against her face, back and forth we go like an absurd dance, arguing the rights of the wand like four year old children. I reach the door of the house and go in. She reaches one elephantine arm through the small window the door has and I without skipping a beat press the silver wand numerous times against her arm causing her to wail and leave.

I go into the living room and spy her through the window. Then the strange dream gets odder still because she and her 300 pound heavy plump rotten frame jumps, jumps onto the roof! I call out inside the house. The furnitue is torn, everything is broken or scattered. My dad and aunt come over and I tell them what happenend.

Dad tells me: "You cannot kill it with that wee thing!" in an oddly scottish accent. So we go to an old wardrobe and open it. It's full of weapons made of silver and tells me to take the sword. The witch upon the roof goes: "So you're taking the sword are ye!" so we hush and take small hand axes instead and I note with a whisper "We can throw these". Then a conglomeration of windchimes sound and dad rushes to the front door and goes outside. I quickly follow and in his workshop we find hounds, some tangled in a windchime and other eating metal as if it was canned dog food, I guess they were metal eating dogs. The hounds are small but are more wolf than dog and more bear than wolf. That's as best as I can explain their appearance. Dad no longer using his scottish accent, holds up his axe and goes "How do you throw this?" I give him a blank look as in "I said we could not that I know how" then shrug and throw mine at the hybrid hounds.

It bounces off the ground and buries itself in the head of the closest one with an abrupt crunch and a spurt of gore. The hound-things stop their scavenging and yap and run at us with their strangely thin and shark-like fangs bared. I tell dad to go in and follow him up the steps to the front porch. He throws his axe and hits nothing in a terrible throw, I pick up a broom of all things and fend them off. I throw pottery and chairs and anything that's around and eventually the dogs retreat. Then I notice they go out the gate and a sick feeling settles in my stomach as the common fact that gates don't open themselves thunders through my head, someone let them in as a distraction. Dad goes off the porch to close it and before I can shout out a warning something lands on his back from the roof, something sinous, humanoid and purple. I run towards him and it punches a clawed hand through his chest in a welter of gore. I wake.

Sacred Art

What is sacred art?
In her book, "The Mystical Now: Art and the Sacred," Wendy Beckett suggests that sacred art causes an intimate, direct experience where "our humanity responds to something greater than itself yet intimately part of us." (p.14)
It is not an artist's choice to depict the sacred; he/she can only make him/herself available to it through the open-endedness of creative exploration. While some would save the word "visionary" only for the most sacred, sublime art, it should be open to any artist who aspires to create it.

Visionary art is created by those with the compulsion to channel wisdom and light into our shadowed reality. The Visionary artist is humble and receptive to a cosmic life force, and undertakes the discipline necessary to bring it into manifestation. He sees beyond normal reality with clarity: not just symbols, but the meanings behind them. Through a process of self-discovery and transformation, the Visionary artist awakens to the mysteries of reality, and compassionately desires to reveal unto the same realizations, experiences and knowledge.

Sometimes it feels as if one had joined a circus. A colorful troupe of entities At first you know for certain that the whole world is not weird. But slowly the perception starts change. As weirdness gets familiar it does not go away, instead when you become friends with it, it seems to grow and take hold of everything.
Suddenly you can't be quite sure is it the world around you or just you that perceives.

Artists and scientists are uniquely equipped to shape our worldviews and beliefs. The scientific field of cosmology, in particular, is uncovering astounding insights of our place within the universe: insights that can be communicated through art. Cosmology is revealing clearly our opportunity for consciousness to evolve through our human endeavors, and is charging us to act in accordance with these rare opportunities. Both science and art shape structures for us to understand the world, and can induce states of consciousness for us to experience it. When we differentiate the structures from the states of consciousness found in their work, it becomes clear that artists and scientists embark upon the same fundamental human endeavor, yet are using different kinds of languages. They both destroy walls of presumption and ignorance and can inspire us to evolve to realms of consciousness and transcendence.
Cosmology articulates our central role in several specific ways. We are almost exactly at the center of the scale of the physical world: we are midway between the smallest possible scale measured by "Planck's length" (amidst quarks and other subatomic particles), and the biggest scale known: the visible universe, measuring cross-sections of billions of light years of space. So we reside near the center of these two extremes. We are also at the optimal biological scale for brain function. Creatures the size of ants have too limited a number of atoms that compose them, while large creatures like whales have too slow neuronal transmission.


We also are made of the rarest substances of the universe. The cosmos is made of about seventy percent dark energy, twenty-five percent dark matter, and only about five percent normal energy-matter. Within this five percent, only one-thousandth of one percent consists of heavier elements, including the nitrogen, oxygen, and carbon of which we are mostly composed. This makes us the precious jewels of the energy-matter makeup of the universe.

We also exist at the optimal time for observing and understanding our universe on several temporal scales. First, we are on the cusp between the time of decelerating expansion of the universe and when, now, it is beginning to accelerate again. This rare moment allows for the most acute technological observations of distant galaxies. Second, we are in the middle of the age of our solar system. The sun is at about half its life span, implying the Earth is also. Third, we are at the ripest age of the planet. About half a billion years ago, oxygen began to form on our planet, and in another half a billion years, the sun will be hotter and will have boiled all the oceans.

All of this, revealed by observations and calculations of physics, highlights from the scientific perspective the unique and opportune moment in which we exist. These factors show us the astonishing fact that we are composed of the most precious substances of the universe, and exist at the ripest moment for life - especially consciousness - to evolve.


Yet many of our minds are not configured to internalize the messages communicated by science. Despite the findings and breakthroughs, we are still caught up in rampant conflicts between cultures and short-sightedness of our effects on the planet. Many of us do not have the cognitive structure to understand the implications of science and its conclusions. Many of us do not base our worldviews on rationality, and thus are not receptive to scientific arguments. We can argue until the cows come home that overpopulation is spiraling out of control, but too many people have been fixated on having three or more children to rationally consider their implications. Scientific observations increasingly reveal the disastrous effects of pollution and the use of plastics, for example, yet many of us still fail to bring our own reusable bags to the supermarket. The arguments of science, although often clear and concrete to some, do not have the power to directly change the views or actions of many people. We all too often have limited sight.

We require different means to communicate a worldview that is aligned with the revelations of science. Who in society is capable of communicating worldviews through different mediums than science? The artist can help to fulfill this role. Artists, through their ability to speak through visions and symbols, are uniquely equipped to tap into the mythologies that underlie our worldviews and transform our beliefs.. All kinds of forces that direct our actions - our religions, our role models, even our commercials - are contextualized and directed by art.


We are in a vast universe in which the magnitude of scale that we normally experience, from the tiny bugs on the ground to the sun in the sky, is only a minute fraction of the scales of the physical universe. Within each grain of sand, science reveals, are billions of atoms, and within each of them are even smaller subatomic particles. Our entire solar system, science reveals, is only a drop of water within the vast ocean of the cosmic expanse. Humanity itself has only existed for an instant within the ancient history of the cosmos, a mere millisecond within the vast day of cosmic existence. These lessons teach both humility and perspective on our world. They are spiritual revelations, and are applicable to all people regardless of race, sex, so on. Furthermore, these can be expressed through different mediums than science.

The artist is one of the prime human roles that can communicate these messages of science. It is the opportunity of artists, as humans integral to this cosmic endeavor, to offer their energies to awaken others to the insights of science. Science is not necessarily God, but its lessons are divine. Artists can direct their efforts to creating an art, a mythology that is informed by cosmology and yet is captivating to people of all different worldviews and capacities for understanding. Far more people can resonate with an image than can understand a science article. If artists take the responsibility to understand our world with the same rigor as science, we can help communicate it and inspire others to do the same. Humility, scale, responsibility, community...these are all lessons of science that can be powerfully channeled through the conduit of art.


All cosmic information in this article is from:
Nancy Ellen Abrams, Elizabeth Debold, and Joel R. Primack: "Welcome to the Center of the Universe" in What is Enlightenment? Magazine, Issue 40 May-July 2008. They explain how cosmology suggests this fundamental, nearly universal insight of the world's religions, including Christianity, Buddhism, Shamanism, and many others. "We are in the center of the world always, moment after moment," wrote the Zen master, Shunryu Suzuki.

Family Values

I do everything from bringing a glass of water like a majordomo while she sits to heavy labor moving sacks of cement. She sleeps well into the afternoon some days but in most she wakes up early and wakes me up by rude, loud and unwelcome means. Understandable since her laziness combined with her egomania means she cannot do anything herself but is perfectly content using her delusional and unlimited superiority and authority to force and boss other people around to do it.
For the everyday chores one is already used to doing on a daily basis with nothing but a discontent grumble there isn’t much quarrel in the sense of intensity, for it is still often that I am eating, sleeping or reading and hear my name being yelled in that dull commanding voice like requesting a servant or calling a dog over. Sure I argue that I was sleeping, or reading or eating. This matters little to her since me and my time is a property and there are no deadlines but hers in her mind. So I can’t enjoy books, I can’t rest in my sleep and I can’t eat a full meal without interruption. Sure no big deal until it happens for months and months and a lifetime of such bullcrap. If it were to be said she does her fair share of work, that she gets up when she’s eating, watching TV or sleeping when I need help, then it wouldn’t be that infuriatingly annoying. She merely says she’s doing said action and if pressed responds with swearing and violence.
A factor here that is often overlooked is that when I say she depends on me for everything, I do very much mean absolutely everything, from the basic, essential and most mundane and the simple, to the complicated, hard and backbreaking. She is uncompromising and what may seem like kindness is simply an act as a extension of herself.
She will do a favor or two in rare occasions but the next clash will undoubtedly have those rare and seldom done favors as defense to denounce others as ungrateful, the most direful insult coming from her, lazy people. It’s like she projects her faults on others and blocks them out when it comes to herself. Up is down and down is up. She will not have others revoke her for her actions and irresponsabilities, turning to violence if the other person persists, but she will constantly harass, insult and revoke others for their flaws and mistakes no matter how small and it should be noted, sometimes even imagines the flaws and offenses. Anyone with common sense would know they are obviously in the realm of fantasy and schizophrenia. She most adamantly holds that my uncle, a 70 something year old man who winces and his knees pop when getting up from squatting, stalks her and hides in the bushes to steal her things.

She will not accept this as nothing but the truth. More so she believes she is always right. She is the holder of absolute righteousness and truth whom none may contest. Everyone else that doesn’t agree or comply is simply wrong and must be dominate by her until they agree and comply. It is sick and animalistic. She is completely ignorant to her sins and flaws and will not have them mentioned to her. As mentioned before only she can pass judgment and only she can be right. Which is further descended into the realm of madness when it’s also based on her beliefs which include but not limited to: Racism, Racial superiority, Superiority in class, intellect, taste, well everything, Fanatical puritan beliefs, homophobia, xenophobia, compulsive religious and patriotic ideals. Examples: God made AIDS to punish gay people, Black people are greatly mentally inferior and closer to monkeys than humans, Her cultural values are the best in the world which other nations should imitate, all other religions are lies and based on demon worshipping, socially she is part of high class, the things she like are what everyone should like. Hearing her and marking her trend God will send everyone but people that think like her to Hell.

Now socially is the grand part. She goes to great extents to appear high class in public. Behind closed doors she does nothing and demands everything, she yells and screams, she swears, she’s unfair and even cruel when she doesn’t get her way. She is not mature in anyway and not only expects absolute responsibility from me but she expects to have her own responsibilities taken care of. Of this however the few acquaintances are friends know nothing except what she tells them and she tells them she does everything. Outside calling one ungrateful if one complains about her insane behavior she goes in a fit and a tantrum screaming family issues aren’t spoken about which early on I accepted I had to play the waiting game and wait for the day I get out of her reach. In expecting absolute responsibility and servitude she cares not for other things. I am simply a servitor, I need nothing but food, a bed and when she paid for it, an education to function and that is what I get. Any complaint about unfairness was brutally smothered with those 3 simple facts. I give you food and a roof and an education so obey me, serve me, do everything for me and suffer under me. Anything I wanted to buy had to go under her scrupulous and unforgiving eye. A shirt she didn’t like the color, a toy or game she decided was full of demons, a plant, a pen, a 3 dollar watch were all turned away simply because it didn’t please her aesthetically. While however I never found myself lacking basic needs. I found myself feeling I did do more than to earn my keep to be treated in such ways and so I’ve always clashed with her and she has stood her ground with all her egomania and perceived righteousness.

The demands for labor and the demands for all the chores left me and still do leave me tired and drained. I have a household to keep together and plenty of animals to care for, animals I did not buy but my empathy for living beings have made them grow on me and feel responsible. Responsibility she has more than once dumped on my lap without a word. As such I’m sorry to say my educational history has had bumps and my grades have not always been the best for there have been moments of overwhelming feelings of desperation or frustration from dealing with her and carrying the burden of responsibility. She simply dismisses this as typical teenager irresponsibility and my supposed uncaring and rebellious nature for according to her I have had a perfect life. Regardless that I’ve gone through and carry responsibilities that simply nobody my age has and deal with her on a daily basis while everyone else shuns her and keeps distance. Distance she enforces when it comes to her so called friends so she can hide her tyranny and situation at home and pass off as a responsible, caring and pleasant high class person.
While we’re on that there is the fact she has no empathy, how can I say this? She’s provided for me as her only child. I’ve also kept her house livable and her animals alive, amusingly she’s got it into her head it’s all been because of her unrelenting fist but it’s not because I have a sense of duty and feel like it’s my house and my animals that I put so much effort into so with her here or not I’d still be doing what I do. I’d just be able to schedule what I do and not have to deal with an iron fisted tyrant with egomania complexes. She buys animals and cares for them for maybe a month or two and without fail passes the responsibility to me. We have over a dozen animals and they all depend on me on a daily basis. In an example case she flew into a rage because I accidentally spilled some supposedly very expensive bird seeds in the kitchen while feeding the finches. I simply told her fine I’ll just continue to change their water you do the precious seeds. In less than a week 3/5 had died from starvation. In contrast with the rage she went into and the insults she submitted me to when I tried to bring up the gross irresponsibility of the act she simply screamed and raged she didn’t want to hear it and why oh why do I insist on being mean to her and being so negative. She simply doesn’t recognize a taste of her own medicine. This should be proof of delusion.
Regarding my mention of her having no empathy is that she firmly holds every stranger is out to harm her. She believes all homeless people are thieves and have AIDS, subhuman scum which she treats accordingly. Teenagers are going to hell for the way the dress and what they listen to. Well in short everyone is inferior one way or the other and to be guarded against. Then she proclaims herself the humanist that keeps her son in a private school. How would it make her look if I was in a public one? That cares for over a dozen animals. She doesn’t mention others care for them, mainly me while she does nothing. That has a garden and many plants. Which I tend to also. Everything she does is aimed at making her seem grand and amazing to fit her twisted view of the world. While the reality is brutally kept secret and all the while it truly seems she believes her own world. Sure she’s kept me alive but to serve her and then deny I do. To stereotype, like she stereotypes everything, me as a typical teenager, which I’m everything but, to avoid coming to terms her behavior causes serious issues. She turns a deaf ear to her gross irresponsibilities. To affirm her being right by her already present belief that everyone especially those that mentions them as inferior, jealous and/or wrong.
She tries to force me to be the way she wants me to be a good Christian soldier, with her ideals however generally extremist and wrong to me, dressed like she wants me to dress like some rich kid from the 60’s-70’s who she wishes I were, with my hair cut the way she wants it cut with gel and to the side in a cowlick. As ridiculous as that all sounds it causes serious problems because to get what she wants she first persuades and manipulates, then she tries to blackmail then she tries to violently force and doesn’t relent. I have many a memory from my childhood of her making me cry from her unrelenting assault of destroying my personality and likes which are harmless. I’m a tolerant easygoing person and have been throughout all of this. Desperately trying to force and to mould me to what she wants and imprint her ideals. I can recall memories of her screaming because I refused to wear an itchy buttoned shirt and the near torture of her cruel indoctrination sessions of sitting me down for HOURS to pound into my head homosexuals aren’t human beings and must be abhorred. The real sting lies in the number of occasions such things happened and still do though I’ve built a stone skin against it I didn’t have as a child.
To the few people she considers friends, which are certainly not family who she feels is free to abuse and force all she wants since they can’t abandon her, she puts on a painstakingly made mask and fits in like a five star sociopath. The mask however is made from my pain and the pain of others.

That said I’m alive and I like to think pretty sane though I’ve had my understanding of human nature and patience expanded to points that make me seem alien to others. I was weaned and not only were my responsibilities thrust upon me but hers as well. If you’re going to wash your clothes wash mine as well, if you’re going to do your dishes do all as well, if you’re going to feed yourself feed me as well. Be responsible she said and says because apparently its apparently never enough and she can never be pleased for her delusional little world must always spin no matter the cost. I am proud of who I am and what I have overcome and now that I enter college and all of my responsibilities still weigh on me and through it all she cares not about my studies the way she never truly has since they are something I should do automatically in the time she doesn’t need me. Which you may guess by now is nonexistent and if something doesn’t turn out as great as she or I expects she’ll quickly put the blame on my unforgivably irresponsible feet. I thought college would make her realize I need time for my own things and in this new level them alone but it simply didn’t. It’s like I’m still in high school. However I just detach these days and toy with the thought of all I’ve learnt and how independent I’ve become and that someday, I hope soon, I’ll be able not only carry my own weight like other people older than me are unable to but also with a maturity and understanding they can’t grasp. So through the fire and flames the blade was forged and I am proud of how sharp I am.
It makes me smile that sounds so arrogant I wouldn’t say it out loud, I simply dislike loud, pompous and superior attitudes. I much prefer quiet determination and introversion. I value humbleness and a simple will and dedication to freedom, equality and the pursuit of good. I’m almost a breed apart how these times are doing. I missed using this nifty journal for my inner musings.

Dreamland

Into the darkness I stare forevermore finding fantastic joys never felt before merely this and nothing more

I dream dreams no mortal dares to dream
Gazing beyond the ken of mortals
The mystic realm of Hypnos I invade
Through his fantasy dreamlands I hear the beguiling tapping
Planes of existence detach themselves from one dimension to resonate in another frequency only I can hear.

The silence is not broken and the whispered words nevermore this and nothing more
Into the halls of Ares I sneak, through rubble strewn battlefields and blood soaked halls
Echoing Battle shouts in the distance and the clashes of swords and shattering of shields are borne on the wind.
To the East the glowing forges of crippled Hephaestus glows eternal
This is what I see and nothing more.

Into the fields of Gaia I wandered, humid mulch underneath my feet and the smell of wet earth in my nostrils
Sweetly singing birds of unimagined colors flew high and vigorous wondrous beasts of all forms roamed the land.
Golden Rivers crisscrossed the lush hills and mighty oaks snatched my breath\
This and nothing more.

Into vast libraries I timidly walk, vast tomes and ancient scrolls surround me.
All overlooked by a statue of wise Athena.
In a grove of grapes I find myself, soft moans and the smell of wine are in the air
The shapes of frolicking of satyrs and nymphs blur around me.

Time seems to slow as if Lord Kronus toys on a whim with it.

Into the dark and cold underworld I fall, the smell of brimstone fills my nose and the fare of the ferryman I pay.

Am I living or am I dead? tell me tell me I implore!

Now I dream nevermore

Leviathan

Religion and Mankind have always co-existed and one depending on the other. In the “Leviathan” Thomas Hobbes describes religion as something created by man, though it may also be said it was discovered or gifted to Mankind, for its benefit and something essential to him. However the title “Leviathan” the word meaning a enormous sea monster from Hebrew myth, reflects the scale and ambiguous threat of it.
It can be said this Leviathan, created or contacted by man with the hope of transcendence, enlightenment and unity with a greater being has been corrupted and this new Leviathan now created by Man enslaves Humanity.

Crusade

The fates were kind, they let me in
The dragons lair, the den of sin
I placed my sword upon it's heart
And with a prayer I thrust it in
The dragon fell upon the ground
'Twas then I heard a whimpering sound
A dragonling to his father clung
Who only fought to protect his young

- Voltaire

meh

Logic, balance, rationality against dominance, irrationality and low stupidity

This is my struggle, I pull all the weight and defying all logic one that does nothing still demands more and thanks for nothing, the only thanks are insults and base manipulation. Manipulation that when exposed as what it is evokes violence and rage. I pull everything and yet she goes as FAR to say I'm not around to be decoration, the fact that everything is kept going by my hand seems to elude her. It is pure hateful insanity and the ways to cope with it become less and less with each day. Is one to outdo brutality with itself? for agreeing causes anger, stating facts causes anger, obedience causes more clashes like a predator taking advantage of prey.

Back of my Mind (Not current, Draft)

--Unknown time and date--

There are some people you just never forget. Sometimes because they're too wonderful to forget and they materialize themselves in your day dreams. Sometimes they stalk your nightmares as fading horrors or guilt that cling to your psyche and haunt you in the dark hours of the night. These fade though, if you let go of them.

Then there are the good wonderful memories which stay with you and you welcome them. Then maybe they're placed in some recess of your mind that phases in and out but they're always there. Even if they are bittersweet because you can't be with that person anymore. They're always in the back of your mind.

They remind you of what you had and what you can have. They are bittersweet indeed. I think they're the best kind of memories if you act on them.

Bitter (not current)

--Unknown date and time--

I'm surrounded by blatant idiocy and stolid apathy. It smothers me worse than any murderer in the night.

Why do they call it common sense? It's not that common

Life Prose (Not Current)

--Unknown time and date --

As we wander through life we define ourselves.. we refine ourselves...

We laugh on the outside, we die on the inside.... It's all an art, it's all a gamble, a drama, a comedy, a tragedy!

It's up to us to make the best of it, is it not?

To wander through life for me is to define our purpose, our passion, our love, our faith and our relationships...

Of course people can always hoard worldly possessions and use others for momentary satisfaction... as it seems to be quite popular these days... Oh woe at these days Oh dark woe

Foolish little creatures in the guise of human beings think all there is to life is themselves and that which stands against them, their greed, their satisfaction, their desires...

Existential brute infants flailing wildly with no regard for anything but themselves.

I call them infants yet pity's too good for such men and women only contempt does it for me.

Is the purpose of life truly just self satisfaction and ego feeding?

Then I apologize for I truly do not belong here

Is it so wrong to be selfless.. to have no ego? Why?

Was it always like this? or does society and greed just make a mockery out of our purpose in life.

Masks on top of masks is all we shall wear until those masks become us and we become them.

So we may walk amongst people unhindered yet dead on the inside.

Perhaps... perhaps I am an enlightened man... perhaps a mad fool... probably the latter... quite possibly the latter.

Why can't I find a purpose... why can't I find a light at the end of my tunnel?

Something to reach for, something to quiet my demons, something to give me peace.

All this pain will fade as does everything... if I just hold on bitterly won't it? Please tell me that... please...

Oh I laugh bitterly oh so bitterly

Oh I grin wickedly oh so wickedly

It can't beat me... my pain makes me who I am... Bitter... tired.. Yet better. Maybe a tad insane but regardless...

Strong and proud and for that I thank it...

I'll walk this life and I'll wait, for storms don't last forever now do they?

Drugs and Friends (Not current)

-- Unknown time and date--

Crossing bridges as I come to them. On the friendship field I must say. It's pathetic if someone's life revolves like that. Sitting in another person's apartment day after day with ganja and alcohol as sole entertainment. Rotting. Decaying. Mind, body and soul. I don't control people's lives nor assume to have a say in them. I got bigger fish to fry but right now you disappoint me. I take that back. I'm sorry it's not true. You disgust me. I'm keeping my distance the emotional support and affection I provide is withdrawn for awhile for how long I don't know. Go be told you're loved by your new bloody drugs and vices. Pissed at you for doing it and pissed at her for encouraging it. Sad really I resolve myself to get there and this kicks me in the face right after it. We cross the bridges when we get there though. A lot more to a person than a few flaws and I still and always will have your name carved upon my heart but I got my own flaws and a burning dislike for such things is one.

I speak of the one that did it. Let's call her Paula shall we? Why am I disgusted not merely disappointed? Because we share views on it. Would you guess that? She's throwing herself into this to drown her troubles and blind herself. We share views in this and as such I held her in this aspect to my own standards. It's just pathetic and to be honest it hurts me a lot. I just tend to tend sadness into anger. I think it the lesser of the two evils in my eyes. Doing something wrong for the sake of feeling that dangerous little kick of doing something you shouldn't, that forbidden bliss of breaking the taboo that you hold yourself to.

Now that that's out. For the encourager let's call her Cristina that sounds good? Well she's been in this for awhile and grown into the issue itself over time. I'm merely dissapointed because she probably knew how I'd feel. Paula however is doing it as some idiotic masochistic fling over torn up emotions. For the Cristina I'm not surprised or shocked at all I've come to terms with it more or less.

It's just a dislike I am very much more wounded by the fact that I love her. I want to go to the movies with her, cook for her, cook with her, cuddle, go to a mall, go for a walk, play in the snow, plan a trip, plan for college, help each other with homework and chores, go out for coffee so on and so forth. I look over and see her rotting for it's the only way I can describe it and wish I was there. I wonder if I'll be enough to turn this around in any noticeable degree.

I realize my conscious ommition of names may make this hard to read. I'm not going to throw around names. I might edit and name them with fake ones. Just went back and did. Lucky you.

Stay at the Hospital (Not current)

--Found this, written sometime in December by my guess during my stay in the hospital--

The bitter beginning. I'm writing from the hospital. I got a comfy sleeping bag. I am currently inside it writing. I'm back on track. Confident and cocky I got it all figured out. I know my plans and I know that they'll work. Pulled through for now. Can't be bothered with petty things for petty things they are. I feel edgy...very much so.There will be repercussions but not now. Too busy for them now. Maybe it's bought time maybe it's all I need. I've gone heartless per se in a way. Determined very much so though. Somewhere between splashing in diarrhea for two nights, the long solitude and the screaming fits of an ill man I love. I snapped. I left Friday got back Monday. My grandfather is going through these screaming fits. He just screams and screams until he tires himself out. I didn't sleep. My mom heard it once, for a few minutes, and started crying. I've heard it 5 times for hours on end and felt concern and alarm only. I think I've lost part of myself in all of this, I just don't how much.

He's medicated, all that does is keep greater time distance between the fits. He never did that before. I left Friday as mentioned before and he didn't have these screaming fits. My aunt stayed Friday to Monday and they started. Suspicious no? She keeps telling him it's okay to want to die, kindly worded ask god to take you, dumb stupid wench that's paramount to torture for someone in his position.

Notes on Arrival on PR (not current)

--Short note on arrival in PR and anecdotes, not current, written sometime in late December--

My dear mother has wasted no time in converting me into a majordomo with he occasional hard labor to do once more. She is once more incapable of getting up to fetch objects that are 8 feet from her so she calls out for me to get them. I however have to get up from my BED and go over. She sinks into the couch and is too lazy to get up. Ugh. I am providing animal care once more. Bitter this homecoming was just plain bitter not bittersweet as expected. Just bitter, truly and heinously.


shouldn't the fear of STD's alone keep him away? He doesn't know where that's been! I'd be more okay with him shagging some dead animal left in the sun to be honest. It was emotional he says. Well I care for Miss blossom like a sister and I'm not offering to put my hand in her pants am I? Seems silly an excuse. I'll leave him be for now the world shuns him already. I don't like agreeing with the world. The world and I rarely get along.

Blogspot Inauguration

Forgive my lateness, things transpire as always. From this point in the journal back you will find old entries from another website with a journal application that was used. Links might not work, codes might not be appliable and so on. For this I apologize I simply do not have the time to go through them all and transcript them onto the format of this website. The entries up to this one have been simply copy pasted and you may find references to art or people that are of course not part of Blogspot as well as the errant code or link as mentioned before. You may also notice an older date written on the entry not matching with the one set by blogspot, blogspot simply marks when it was moved.

From this moment on however I hope that after a quick conglomeration of the half finished notes and more recent unfinished entries and ideas I have still laying about I may begin to keep this up to date with present and current happenings.

Devious Journal Entry

Mon Dec 29, 2008, 12:55 PM

I read Dreams in the Witch-House by Lovecraft. I'd dare say it's one of my favorite stories from him. Alongside the Dunwich Horror, The Colour Out of Space, The Whisperer in the Darkness and At the Mountains of Madness. I got drafts on ideas on alien life and a prose on a ghoul feast on my laptop so that should come up soon. I'm getting Spore when I get home. Probably try to make some Mi-Go. I'm listening to the Posies "I guess you're right". I made a playlist of all the bands I listened in 9th grade. Holy Jeebus so much teenage angst manifest haha.

Greetings

Fri Dec 19, 2008, 5:49 PM

Back for the weekend. I go back on Monday. Too much has gone on and I don't even want to start. I got lots of new deviations. I might shove em off to a different account. Not sure. Most are Lovecraft themed been reading too much of his work it' so good. Beep beep... I'm a Jeep.

Devious Journal Entry

Wed Dec 10, 2008, 1:04 PM

Ah well as you may imagine I write once again because of developments. My grandpa's in the hospital again. No reason behind it. He's had pneumonia twice and is 85, he just had a cough and my aunt took him as "preventive measures" which she's never taken before. The doctor, just a few days ago, gave us an antibiotic treatment to prevent it from returning when he developed a light cough again. As you know I'm the one that stays weeks on end sleeping on a pullout sofa in the hospital day after day when he's admitted until he's discharged. My aunt had an argument with my mom when my mom told her she was buying plane tickets and needed a date within two weeks. It was a yelling contest that ended with my aunt shoving the phone into my hand and me picking it up to hear my mom yelling on her side. My aunt the lowly clever though not even that just base sprung me a trap. "Grandpa stays alone if you leave" and it's implied she will not search for any alternative at all to cover 2 weeks if I were to go. Mom fights with her and my aunt simply asks me if I want to leave I tell her I do if Grandpa can be cared for she answers that he'll be alone then basks in her victory. Oh so damn a lowly being.

Guess what? Not only is there a nursing service that can be paid. My dad's sister who lives in new jersey that evangelist that came over once. She clearly stated being a sweet unemployed christian lady that she'd be more than happy to take care of grandpa in the mornings and afternoons until my aunt came home for a small modest fee. They don't want to pay a professional nursing service, they don't want to pay shit to a sweet christian family member that's more than willing. They say because they also don't want to "bother" her making her drive but also of course and unspoken pay a miserable pay because the nursing service might cost but my evangelist aunt asks nothing compared to it. Am I coming off as angry again? Well I am.

I should tell you what happened and I should tell you what I don't think I have told you. Firstly here it goes again. I give something closely equal to professional nursing care during the day. I've watched closely at the hospital and I love my grandpa a lot so I'm devoted in my service and practice. Shift him every hour, medicate him, groom him, receive the nurses and home aids and packages, monitor his machines, empty his folly bag. Check his sugar, temperature, control the room temperature. I could go on. After my aunt comes home she needs help shifting him and changing him. I change him with the help of home aids and nurses during the day and I can shift him by myself. Still I'm preparing medications and taking sugar and such well into the night. At around 11-12 my aunt goes to sleep after checking and changing him and the bed one last time if needed. This is my only time when I can be truly alone and in private. Outside of this time I can't watch a whole movie or show. Even still my aunt wakes me during the night to shift him or suction him or odder things besides. She does a number of times, 2 or 3 most nights at 2-4-6 a.m. Multiply that everyday for 6 months. They don't want to bother the sweet christian lady that's bee insisting she can help everyday? To hell with that they just don't want to pay her. I didn't know that was up.

To make things more cheerful my laptop. Yes the one I've returned 3 times for various software and hardware issues that it had while brand new well it's broken. Not even broken again it got shipped they fixed the optical drive which was broken and nobody even knew it was and shipped it back with the still not working CD-ROM so CDs aren't really working on it still... I'm shipping it back for full refund and washing my hands of this unbelievable technical support incompetence. I'm on the phone with them right now.

Anyways so yes the odd hours of the night are the only time I have for myself and so I do go on the computer or watch a whole movie or show an hour and a half or two hours going to bed at around 1:30-2:00 usually but not exclusively. I need time for myself at some point and that's all I get a few hours in the dead of night. I must move on soon so the point is this brings us to the latest insult. She walks in this morning and finds me sleeping at 7 and tells me she's calling to take grandpa to the hospital as "preventive measures" and will tell me when the paramedics are onb their way. So I figure I'll be sleeping on a pullout sofa for the next week and a half or two so I go back to bed while I have one. She then walks in on me oh so not acceptable 8 in the morning and tlls me in her thin reedy voice: "This happens to you for being up on that computer at night, you're supposed to be caring for your grandfather. It's fine I'll go to the hospital with him. I don't need you right now I'll pick you up when I do." What the hell? I regularly have 2 hours for myself and the rest is spent with grandpa or helping her. I'm some employee that needs to be up and at it while at work and the catch is the shift never ends. I have to leave no trace that I live here AND be fully awake day and night and ready to be woken during the night and my only leisure should be sleeping in the odd hours I take for myself? They don't want to make the christian lady drive...

I want to go home though mom's saying her controlling crap again. "Nobody will love you like I do", "You will not be safer anywhere but your home", "People that tell you not to listen to me are bad people", "Listen to me in all things". I simply don't say anything and I sense her tensing up the same way she tenses when I tell her she's being racist saying black people are inferior and that they aren't, when I stay silent when she tells me Jesus could make grandpa get up and walk right this very instant or don't hate campaign with her when she says homosexuals are depraved filthy disgusting demons. She's the sweetest thing as long as you agree and do as she says when you don't she's your worst enemy. There are no facts merely interpretations. She's wrong in my view most of the time and I love her anyway. She's apparently incapable of returning such sentiment. I can't relate to her well and my aunt is the same way I saw them interact. They get together and the Tv goes "She was raped by her ex boyfriend and beaten" they start clucking on how horrible it is for hours on end. For me I assume everyone in the room finds it horrible, if someone says it's not and presents a reason then yes that would be something to talk about for hours. Anyhow Dad's restraining order is down so I can see him again and I am looking forward to that though. My animals and my friends. There's a good chance it'll be tooth and nail if I want to study abroad.

Sins of a Solar Empire has taken my stress away I actually left this open and played it for around an hour now I have to go pack for the hospital. My Vasari Empire own 4 stars. Damn Sexy. Like me.

Shtuff

Mon Dec 8, 2008, 4:31 PM

==
Basics:
==
Name: Seb
Height: 5" 9'
Natural hair color: brown
Eye color: Brown
Number of siblings: nonexistant
Glasses/Contacts: None but I can't read at a distance... it's frustrating while driving or trying to find aisles in the supermarket. WHERE THE HELL IS THE BACTINE?!
Piercings: None and not too excited about getting any for the moment
Tattoos: None yet
Braces?: Nay yet on a sidenote I knew a guy who punched a guy who had braces in the mouth and his knuckles got torn to ribbons... Well I found it hilarious...
==
Favorite:
==
Color: Black, Purple and Green
Band: (s) Voltaire and Creature Feature
Song: (s) probably some of the above right now off the top of my head one of each to humor thee. "The Man Upstairs"- Voltaire and "Gorey Demise"- Creature Feature
Video game: Warhammer 40k- Dawn of War (expansions included)
TV show: Documentaries and such. History channel, Science Channel, Net Geo and those late stand up shows on HBO.
Movie: Pan's Labyrinth
Book: Complete tales of Lovecraft and Poe in one wondrous collection?
Food: Fish, Fruit and Veggies
Game on a cell phone: Bejewled
Scent: Wet Earth
Animal: Wolves, Anthropods and Cephalopods
Comic book: JTHM
Cereal: Honey Bunches of Oats
Website: Can't say I spend hours on any singular one
Celeb(s): Oh now you add an (s)... Celebrties don't acknowledge my existance why should I care about theirs? Stop and think about that you bunch of fanatical pop culture addicted monkeys! monkeys!
==
Do you:
==
Play an instrument?: I can play chopsticks on a piano...
Watch TV more than 60 hours a week?: I'm not sure 2 hours a day at most but it's not daily so I don't know.
Like to sing?: I can sing some songs well besides those no not really at least not in public.
Have a job?: No it's a duty!
Have a cell phone?: Getting one.
Like to play sports?: Soccer back in highschool and I do enjoy chess.
Have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: Hard to define right now but I wouldn't consider myself open or availiable to anyone else.
Live somewhere NOT in the united states: Used to might again.
Have more than 5 TVs in your house?: Nay who the hell does?
Have any special talents/skills?: Animal Care and breeding, gardening and herbalism, Bad knock knock jokes, fixing things and cleaning like some janitor/handyman hybrid grawr, nursing, chess tactics, sarcasm, humming, I can control my pyromania and I possible have more patience than you.
Exercise daily?: Weights to techno music is a good daily exercise
Like school?: I want to go pwn teh college

==
Can you:
==
Sing the alphabet backwards?: Oh yeah we all practice that since kindgergarden... I can't though
Speak any other languages?: Yup Spanish
Go a day without food?: Have though it's wise to take sugary snacks if one is going to do that
Stay up for more than 24 hours?: Too often my friend too often
Roll your tongue?: Yes
Eat a whole pizza?: Depends on the size...small, medium or large?

==
Have you ever:
==
Snuck out of the house?: Is snuck proper? yeah but I try to return before I' missed that.
Cried to get out of trouble?: Nay
Gotten lost in your city?: Momentarily
Seen a shooting star?: I have 3 times and I'm waiting for them wishes
Been to any other countries?: Yes
Had a serious surgery?: Nay
Stolen something important to someone else?: No one does not steal items of value or importance cheap pens and rubber bands are fair game.
Solved a rubik's cube?: After like 20minutes
Gone out in public in your pajamas?: Yes!
Cried over a girl?: Yes...
Kissed a random stranger?: Naw
Hugged a random stranger?: Been arrested?: I believe they'd punch me or anyone who tried that
Done drugs?: Negatory good sir
Had alcohol?: Yes
Laughed and had milk come out of your nose?: Soda does hurt
Pushed all the buttons on an elevator?: Yes because I was on the floor I was getting off and it was after hours. I guess a janitor might've gotten pissed if he got on shortly after.
Gone to school only to find you had the day off because of a holiday/etc?: Yeah back in elemetary school when my mom drove me haha
Swore at your parents?: yes
Kicked a guy where it hurts?: It's more accurate and effective to punch
Been in love?: Am
Been close to love?: Me and love are best pals... not really
Been to a casino?: Yes
Ran over an animal and killed it?: No I ran it over and pieced it together then it got up and walked away...
Broken a bone?: No but a piece of broken chainlink fence went through my arm like *through*
Gotten stitches?: no but I do have a number of scars
Had a water balloon fight in winter?: Haha I like how you think!
Drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour?: no
Made homemade muffins?: No
Bitten someone?: Yes
Been to Disneyland/disneyworld?: Yes
More than 5 times?: lol no
Disney World: yes
Disney Land: Wait what's the difference?
Been to Niagara Falls?: nope
Burped in someones face?: no


==
When's the last time you:
==
Brushed your teeth: This morning.
Went to the bathroom: 9 minutes ago.
Saw a movie in theaters: a month or so ago?
Read a book: about Am reading Lovecraft.
Had a snow day: never
Had a party: Had one... hm no but I've gone to some?
Had a slumber party: never
Made fun of someone: I make fun of life everyday.
Tripped in front of someone: Maybe when I was younger? I can't remember
Went to the grocery store: about a month
Got sick: Not in recent memory
Cursed: Bollocks... just now
Drank Blood: Drank? Maybe sucked on my pricked or cut thumb and I think it tastes good but I don't go around filling glasses and gulping.

==
Pick one:
==
Fruit/vegetables: Fruit
Black/white: Black
Lights on/lights off: Lights off
TV/movie: Both
Car/truck: Jeep
Cash/check: Cash
Pillows/blankets: both
Headache/stomach ache: Neither
Paint/charcoal: Charcoal. Ink
Chinese food/Mexican food: Chinese
Summer/winter: Winter
Snow/rain: Rain
Fog/misty: both
Rock/rap: Those are not comparable. Rap is not Music
Meat/vegetarian: vegetarian
Chocolate/vanilla: Chocolate
Sprinkles/icing: Sprinkles
Cake/pie: Pie
French toast/french fries: French Fries
Strawberries/blueberries: Bluberries
Ocean/swimming pool: Ocean
Cookies/muffins: Muffins
Wallet/pocket: My wallet goes in my pocket.
Window/door: A Window shaped door
Pink/purple: Purple
Cat/dog: Both
Long sleeve/short sleeves: Long
Pants/shorts: Pants
Winter break/spring break: Spring
Spring/autumn: Autumn
Clouds/clear sky: Clouds
Moon/mars: Mars

==
Love
==
Do you believe there is someone for everyone?: probably
What is your idea of the best date?: Something amusing, food, alone time to talk as in a walk or such then sit somehwhere and wait for it to end in each other's arms.
What was your first kiss like?: Tingly and wet
How old were you when you got your first kiss?: 15
Do you think love is a load of rubbish?: No
Whats the best experience you’ve ever had with the opposite sex?: Being completely alone and laughing until we cried like crazy people. It's an odd way to bond.
Have you ever been dumped?: Yes
Have you ever dumped someone?: No
What's the most sexual thing you’ve done with the opposite sex?: None of your buisness



==
I:
==
am: strange
want: To go home
need: To hold the one I love
crave: Peace
love: Christa-Bear and other things that pale in comparison
hate:Ignorance, Mindless hate and stupidity
feel: Tired
miss: Too many things
am annoyed by: "Friends" That will not go away
would rather: There is not "would rather" the walls close around me no matter where I turn
am tired of: Being so important and by extension responsible. Do you know who Atlas is?
will always: The people who've made me who I am

==
Silly stuff:
==
What is your favorite genre of music?: Alternative
What time is it now?: 7:22 p.pm.
What day is it?: 9th? december? I don't know look at the entry date
Whens the last time you called someone?: few minutes ago
How much money do you have right now?: A secret sum
Are you hungry?: Yes
Whatcha doin?: Typing this Journal Entry
Do you like parades?: yep
Do you like the moon?: OH YES
What are you going to do when you're done with this?: probably sleep
If you could have any magical power what would it be?: Creation
Have you ever had a picnic?: No

==
Do you think you are:
==
funny?: I make people laugh a lot so I guess so
handsome?: People are delusional and tell me I am but they are simply delusional so no
sarcastic?: Yes
lazy?: No
hyper?: Yes
friendly?: Depends
evil?: Can be cruel
smart?: I like to think so
strong?: I can lift heavy things but I dont work out to look "ripped" so it might not seem like it but I am more than I might seem
talented?: at certain things
dorky?: at times
Extra: Philosophical

==
Would you ever:
==
Sky dive?: probably
Run away?: From?
Curse at a teacher?: Hopefully not again
Not take a shower for a week?: Ew what the hell?
Ask someone out?: After friendship and mutual attraction being a sure thing
Lie to someone to make them think better of you?: no
Visit a foreign country for more than a month?: Possibly
Go scuba diving?: Have and want to again
Write a book?: I've always wanted to have literary talent I just dabble though I guess I could try some day
Become a rockstar?: yes were all destined to be movie gods and rock stars... capitalism and the media have you in their grasp!
==
Last questions:
==
What kind of computer do you have?: Laptop
Do you like to throw popcorn at people in the movies?: no
How many posters do you have in your room?: none
How many cds do you have?: A number
What time is it now?: 7:29