Family Values

I do everything from bringing a glass of water like a majordomo while she sits to heavy labor moving sacks of cement. She sleeps well into the afternoon some days but in most she wakes up early and wakes me up by rude, loud and unwelcome means. Understandable since her laziness combined with her egomania means she cannot do anything herself but is perfectly content using her delusional and unlimited superiority and authority to force and boss other people around to do it.
For the everyday chores one is already used to doing on a daily basis with nothing but a discontent grumble there isn’t much quarrel in the sense of intensity, for it is still often that I am eating, sleeping or reading and hear my name being yelled in that dull commanding voice like requesting a servant or calling a dog over. Sure I argue that I was sleeping, or reading or eating. This matters little to her since me and my time is a property and there are no deadlines but hers in her mind. So I can’t enjoy books, I can’t rest in my sleep and I can’t eat a full meal without interruption. Sure no big deal until it happens for months and months and a lifetime of such bullcrap. If it were to be said she does her fair share of work, that she gets up when she’s eating, watching TV or sleeping when I need help, then it wouldn’t be that infuriatingly annoying. She merely says she’s doing said action and if pressed responds with swearing and violence.
A factor here that is often overlooked is that when I say she depends on me for everything, I do very much mean absolutely everything, from the basic, essential and most mundane and the simple, to the complicated, hard and backbreaking. She is uncompromising and what may seem like kindness is simply an act as a extension of herself.
She will do a favor or two in rare occasions but the next clash will undoubtedly have those rare and seldom done favors as defense to denounce others as ungrateful, the most direful insult coming from her, lazy people. It’s like she projects her faults on others and blocks them out when it comes to herself. Up is down and down is up. She will not have others revoke her for her actions and irresponsabilities, turning to violence if the other person persists, but she will constantly harass, insult and revoke others for their flaws and mistakes no matter how small and it should be noted, sometimes even imagines the flaws and offenses. Anyone with common sense would know they are obviously in the realm of fantasy and schizophrenia. She most adamantly holds that my uncle, a 70 something year old man who winces and his knees pop when getting up from squatting, stalks her and hides in the bushes to steal her things.

She will not accept this as nothing but the truth. More so she believes she is always right. She is the holder of absolute righteousness and truth whom none may contest. Everyone else that doesn’t agree or comply is simply wrong and must be dominate by her until they agree and comply. It is sick and animalistic. She is completely ignorant to her sins and flaws and will not have them mentioned to her. As mentioned before only she can pass judgment and only she can be right. Which is further descended into the realm of madness when it’s also based on her beliefs which include but not limited to: Racism, Racial superiority, Superiority in class, intellect, taste, well everything, Fanatical puritan beliefs, homophobia, xenophobia, compulsive religious and patriotic ideals. Examples: God made AIDS to punish gay people, Black people are greatly mentally inferior and closer to monkeys than humans, Her cultural values are the best in the world which other nations should imitate, all other religions are lies and based on demon worshipping, socially she is part of high class, the things she like are what everyone should like. Hearing her and marking her trend God will send everyone but people that think like her to Hell.

Now socially is the grand part. She goes to great extents to appear high class in public. Behind closed doors she does nothing and demands everything, she yells and screams, she swears, she’s unfair and even cruel when she doesn’t get her way. She is not mature in anyway and not only expects absolute responsibility from me but she expects to have her own responsibilities taken care of. Of this however the few acquaintances are friends know nothing except what she tells them and she tells them she does everything. Outside calling one ungrateful if one complains about her insane behavior she goes in a fit and a tantrum screaming family issues aren’t spoken about which early on I accepted I had to play the waiting game and wait for the day I get out of her reach. In expecting absolute responsibility and servitude she cares not for other things. I am simply a servitor, I need nothing but food, a bed and when she paid for it, an education to function and that is what I get. Any complaint about unfairness was brutally smothered with those 3 simple facts. I give you food and a roof and an education so obey me, serve me, do everything for me and suffer under me. Anything I wanted to buy had to go under her scrupulous and unforgiving eye. A shirt she didn’t like the color, a toy or game she decided was full of demons, a plant, a pen, a 3 dollar watch were all turned away simply because it didn’t please her aesthetically. While however I never found myself lacking basic needs. I found myself feeling I did do more than to earn my keep to be treated in such ways and so I’ve always clashed with her and she has stood her ground with all her egomania and perceived righteousness.

The demands for labor and the demands for all the chores left me and still do leave me tired and drained. I have a household to keep together and plenty of animals to care for, animals I did not buy but my empathy for living beings have made them grow on me and feel responsible. Responsibility she has more than once dumped on my lap without a word. As such I’m sorry to say my educational history has had bumps and my grades have not always been the best for there have been moments of overwhelming feelings of desperation or frustration from dealing with her and carrying the burden of responsibility. She simply dismisses this as typical teenager irresponsibility and my supposed uncaring and rebellious nature for according to her I have had a perfect life. Regardless that I’ve gone through and carry responsibilities that simply nobody my age has and deal with her on a daily basis while everyone else shuns her and keeps distance. Distance she enforces when it comes to her so called friends so she can hide her tyranny and situation at home and pass off as a responsible, caring and pleasant high class person.
While we’re on that there is the fact she has no empathy, how can I say this? She’s provided for me as her only child. I’ve also kept her house livable and her animals alive, amusingly she’s got it into her head it’s all been because of her unrelenting fist but it’s not because I have a sense of duty and feel like it’s my house and my animals that I put so much effort into so with her here or not I’d still be doing what I do. I’d just be able to schedule what I do and not have to deal with an iron fisted tyrant with egomania complexes. She buys animals and cares for them for maybe a month or two and without fail passes the responsibility to me. We have over a dozen animals and they all depend on me on a daily basis. In an example case she flew into a rage because I accidentally spilled some supposedly very expensive bird seeds in the kitchen while feeding the finches. I simply told her fine I’ll just continue to change their water you do the precious seeds. In less than a week 3/5 had died from starvation. In contrast with the rage she went into and the insults she submitted me to when I tried to bring up the gross irresponsibility of the act she simply screamed and raged she didn’t want to hear it and why oh why do I insist on being mean to her and being so negative. She simply doesn’t recognize a taste of her own medicine. This should be proof of delusion.
Regarding my mention of her having no empathy is that she firmly holds every stranger is out to harm her. She believes all homeless people are thieves and have AIDS, subhuman scum which she treats accordingly. Teenagers are going to hell for the way the dress and what they listen to. Well in short everyone is inferior one way or the other and to be guarded against. Then she proclaims herself the humanist that keeps her son in a private school. How would it make her look if I was in a public one? That cares for over a dozen animals. She doesn’t mention others care for them, mainly me while she does nothing. That has a garden and many plants. Which I tend to also. Everything she does is aimed at making her seem grand and amazing to fit her twisted view of the world. While the reality is brutally kept secret and all the while it truly seems she believes her own world. Sure she’s kept me alive but to serve her and then deny I do. To stereotype, like she stereotypes everything, me as a typical teenager, which I’m everything but, to avoid coming to terms her behavior causes serious issues. She turns a deaf ear to her gross irresponsibilities. To affirm her being right by her already present belief that everyone especially those that mentions them as inferior, jealous and/or wrong.
She tries to force me to be the way she wants me to be a good Christian soldier, with her ideals however generally extremist and wrong to me, dressed like she wants me to dress like some rich kid from the 60’s-70’s who she wishes I were, with my hair cut the way she wants it cut with gel and to the side in a cowlick. As ridiculous as that all sounds it causes serious problems because to get what she wants she first persuades and manipulates, then she tries to blackmail then she tries to violently force and doesn’t relent. I have many a memory from my childhood of her making me cry from her unrelenting assault of destroying my personality and likes which are harmless. I’m a tolerant easygoing person and have been throughout all of this. Desperately trying to force and to mould me to what she wants and imprint her ideals. I can recall memories of her screaming because I refused to wear an itchy buttoned shirt and the near torture of her cruel indoctrination sessions of sitting me down for HOURS to pound into my head homosexuals aren’t human beings and must be abhorred. The real sting lies in the number of occasions such things happened and still do though I’ve built a stone skin against it I didn’t have as a child.
To the few people she considers friends, which are certainly not family who she feels is free to abuse and force all she wants since they can’t abandon her, she puts on a painstakingly made mask and fits in like a five star sociopath. The mask however is made from my pain and the pain of others.

That said I’m alive and I like to think pretty sane though I’ve had my understanding of human nature and patience expanded to points that make me seem alien to others. I was weaned and not only were my responsibilities thrust upon me but hers as well. If you’re going to wash your clothes wash mine as well, if you’re going to do your dishes do all as well, if you’re going to feed yourself feed me as well. Be responsible she said and says because apparently its apparently never enough and she can never be pleased for her delusional little world must always spin no matter the cost. I am proud of who I am and what I have overcome and now that I enter college and all of my responsibilities still weigh on me and through it all she cares not about my studies the way she never truly has since they are something I should do automatically in the time she doesn’t need me. Which you may guess by now is nonexistent and if something doesn’t turn out as great as she or I expects she’ll quickly put the blame on my unforgivably irresponsible feet. I thought college would make her realize I need time for my own things and in this new level them alone but it simply didn’t. It’s like I’m still in high school. However I just detach these days and toy with the thought of all I’ve learnt and how independent I’ve become and that someday, I hope soon, I’ll be able not only carry my own weight like other people older than me are unable to but also with a maturity and understanding they can’t grasp. So through the fire and flames the blade was forged and I am proud of how sharp I am.
It makes me smile that sounds so arrogant I wouldn’t say it out loud, I simply dislike loud, pompous and superior attitudes. I much prefer quiet determination and introversion. I value humbleness and a simple will and dedication to freedom, equality and the pursuit of good. I’m almost a breed apart how these times are doing. I missed using this nifty journal for my inner musings.