Mon Dec 29, 2008, 12:55 PM
I read Dreams in the Witch-House by Lovecraft. I'd dare say it's one of my favorite stories from him. Alongside the Dunwich Horror, The Colour Out of Space, The Whisperer in the Darkness and At the Mountains of Madness. I got drafts on ideas on alien life and a prose on a ghoul feast on my laptop so that should come up soon. I'm getting Spore when I get home. Probably try to make some Mi-Go. I'm listening to the Posies "I guess you're right". I made a playlist of all the bands I listened in 9th grade. Holy Jeebus so much teenage angst manifest haha.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Greetings
Fri Dec 19, 2008, 5:49 PM
Back for the weekend. I go back on Monday. Too much has gone on and I don't even want to start. I got lots of new deviations. I might shove em off to a different account. Not sure. Most are Lovecraft themed been reading too much of his work it' so good. Beep beep... I'm a Jeep.
Back for the weekend. I go back on Monday. Too much has gone on and I don't even want to start. I got lots of new deviations. I might shove em off to a different account. Not sure. Most are Lovecraft themed been reading too much of his work it' so good. Beep beep... I'm a Jeep.
Devious Journal Entry
Wed Dec 10, 2008, 1:04 PM
Ah well as you may imagine I write once again because of developments. My grandpa's in the hospital again. No reason behind it. He's had pneumonia twice and is 85, he just had a cough and my aunt took him as "preventive measures" which she's never taken before. The doctor, just a few days ago, gave us an antibiotic treatment to prevent it from returning when he developed a light cough again. As you know I'm the one that stays weeks on end sleeping on a pullout sofa in the hospital day after day when he's admitted until he's discharged. My aunt had an argument with my mom when my mom told her she was buying plane tickets and needed a date within two weeks. It was a yelling contest that ended with my aunt shoving the phone into my hand and me picking it up to hear my mom yelling on her side. My aunt the lowly clever though not even that just base sprung me a trap. "Grandpa stays alone if you leave" and it's implied she will not search for any alternative at all to cover 2 weeks if I were to go. Mom fights with her and my aunt simply asks me if I want to leave I tell her I do if Grandpa can be cared for she answers that he'll be alone then basks in her victory. Oh so damn a lowly being.
Guess what? Not only is there a nursing service that can be paid. My dad's sister who lives in new jersey that evangelist that came over once. She clearly stated being a sweet unemployed christian lady that she'd be more than happy to take care of grandpa in the mornings and afternoons until my aunt came home for a small modest fee. They don't want to pay a professional nursing service, they don't want to pay shit to a sweet christian family member that's more than willing. They say because they also don't want to "bother" her making her drive but also of course and unspoken pay a miserable pay because the nursing service might cost but my evangelist aunt asks nothing compared to it. Am I coming off as angry again? Well I am.
I should tell you what happened and I should tell you what I don't think I have told you. Firstly here it goes again. I give something closely equal to professional nursing care during the day. I've watched closely at the hospital and I love my grandpa a lot so I'm devoted in my service and practice. Shift him every hour, medicate him, groom him, receive the nurses and home aids and packages, monitor his machines, empty his folly bag. Check his sugar, temperature, control the room temperature. I could go on. After my aunt comes home she needs help shifting him and changing him. I change him with the help of home aids and nurses during the day and I can shift him by myself. Still I'm preparing medications and taking sugar and such well into the night. At around 11-12 my aunt goes to sleep after checking and changing him and the bed one last time if needed. This is my only time when I can be truly alone and in private. Outside of this time I can't watch a whole movie or show. Even still my aunt wakes me during the night to shift him or suction him or odder things besides. She does a number of times, 2 or 3 most nights at 2-4-6 a.m. Multiply that everyday for 6 months. They don't want to bother the sweet christian lady that's bee insisting she can help everyday? To hell with that they just don't want to pay her. I didn't know that was up.
To make things more cheerful my laptop. Yes the one I've returned 3 times for various software and hardware issues that it had while brand new well it's broken. Not even broken again it got shipped they fixed the optical drive which was broken and nobody even knew it was and shipped it back with the still not working CD-ROM so CDs aren't really working on it still... I'm shipping it back for full refund and washing my hands of this unbelievable technical support incompetence. I'm on the phone with them right now.
Anyways so yes the odd hours of the night are the only time I have for myself and so I do go on the computer or watch a whole movie or show an hour and a half or two hours going to bed at around 1:30-2:00 usually but not exclusively. I need time for myself at some point and that's all I get a few hours in the dead of night. I must move on soon so the point is this brings us to the latest insult. She walks in this morning and finds me sleeping at 7 and tells me she's calling to take grandpa to the hospital as "preventive measures" and will tell me when the paramedics are onb their way. So I figure I'll be sleeping on a pullout sofa for the next week and a half or two so I go back to bed while I have one. She then walks in on me oh so not acceptable 8 in the morning and tlls me in her thin reedy voice: "This happens to you for being up on that computer at night, you're supposed to be caring for your grandfather. It's fine I'll go to the hospital with him. I don't need you right now I'll pick you up when I do." What the hell? I regularly have 2 hours for myself and the rest is spent with grandpa or helping her. I'm some employee that needs to be up and at it while at work and the catch is the shift never ends. I have to leave no trace that I live here AND be fully awake day and night and ready to be woken during the night and my only leisure should be sleeping in the odd hours I take for myself? They don't want to make the christian lady drive...
I want to go home though mom's saying her controlling crap again. "Nobody will love you like I do", "You will not be safer anywhere but your home", "People that tell you not to listen to me are bad people", "Listen to me in all things". I simply don't say anything and I sense her tensing up the same way she tenses when I tell her she's being racist saying black people are inferior and that they aren't, when I stay silent when she tells me Jesus could make grandpa get up and walk right this very instant or don't hate campaign with her when she says homosexuals are depraved filthy disgusting demons. She's the sweetest thing as long as you agree and do as she says when you don't she's your worst enemy. There are no facts merely interpretations. She's wrong in my view most of the time and I love her anyway. She's apparently incapable of returning such sentiment. I can't relate to her well and my aunt is the same way I saw them interact. They get together and the Tv goes "She was raped by her ex boyfriend and beaten" they start clucking on how horrible it is for hours on end. For me I assume everyone in the room finds it horrible, if someone says it's not and presents a reason then yes that would be something to talk about for hours. Anyhow Dad's restraining order is down so I can see him again and I am looking forward to that though. My animals and my friends. There's a good chance it'll be tooth and nail if I want to study abroad.
Sins of a Solar Empire has taken my stress away I actually left this open and played it for around an hour now I have to go pack for the hospital. My Vasari Empire own 4 stars. Damn Sexy. Like me.
Ah well as you may imagine I write once again because of developments. My grandpa's in the hospital again. No reason behind it. He's had pneumonia twice and is 85, he just had a cough and my aunt took him as "preventive measures" which she's never taken before. The doctor, just a few days ago, gave us an antibiotic treatment to prevent it from returning when he developed a light cough again. As you know I'm the one that stays weeks on end sleeping on a pullout sofa in the hospital day after day when he's admitted until he's discharged. My aunt had an argument with my mom when my mom told her she was buying plane tickets and needed a date within two weeks. It was a yelling contest that ended with my aunt shoving the phone into my hand and me picking it up to hear my mom yelling on her side. My aunt the lowly clever though not even that just base sprung me a trap. "Grandpa stays alone if you leave" and it's implied she will not search for any alternative at all to cover 2 weeks if I were to go. Mom fights with her and my aunt simply asks me if I want to leave I tell her I do if Grandpa can be cared for she answers that he'll be alone then basks in her victory. Oh so damn a lowly being.
Guess what? Not only is there a nursing service that can be paid. My dad's sister who lives in new jersey that evangelist that came over once. She clearly stated being a sweet unemployed christian lady that she'd be more than happy to take care of grandpa in the mornings and afternoons until my aunt came home for a small modest fee. They don't want to pay a professional nursing service, they don't want to pay shit to a sweet christian family member that's more than willing. They say because they also don't want to "bother" her making her drive but also of course and unspoken pay a miserable pay because the nursing service might cost but my evangelist aunt asks nothing compared to it. Am I coming off as angry again? Well I am.
I should tell you what happened and I should tell you what I don't think I have told you. Firstly here it goes again. I give something closely equal to professional nursing care during the day. I've watched closely at the hospital and I love my grandpa a lot so I'm devoted in my service and practice. Shift him every hour, medicate him, groom him, receive the nurses and home aids and packages, monitor his machines, empty his folly bag. Check his sugar, temperature, control the room temperature. I could go on. After my aunt comes home she needs help shifting him and changing him. I change him with the help of home aids and nurses during the day and I can shift him by myself. Still I'm preparing medications and taking sugar and such well into the night. At around 11-12 my aunt goes to sleep after checking and changing him and the bed one last time if needed. This is my only time when I can be truly alone and in private. Outside of this time I can't watch a whole movie or show. Even still my aunt wakes me during the night to shift him or suction him or odder things besides. She does a number of times, 2 or 3 most nights at 2-4-6 a.m. Multiply that everyday for 6 months. They don't want to bother the sweet christian lady that's bee insisting she can help everyday? To hell with that they just don't want to pay her. I didn't know that was up.
To make things more cheerful my laptop. Yes the one I've returned 3 times for various software and hardware issues that it had while brand new well it's broken. Not even broken again it got shipped they fixed the optical drive which was broken and nobody even knew it was and shipped it back with the still not working CD-ROM so CDs aren't really working on it still... I'm shipping it back for full refund and washing my hands of this unbelievable technical support incompetence. I'm on the phone with them right now.
Anyways so yes the odd hours of the night are the only time I have for myself and so I do go on the computer or watch a whole movie or show an hour and a half or two hours going to bed at around 1:30-2:00 usually but not exclusively. I need time for myself at some point and that's all I get a few hours in the dead of night. I must move on soon so the point is this brings us to the latest insult. She walks in this morning and finds me sleeping at 7 and tells me she's calling to take grandpa to the hospital as "preventive measures" and will tell me when the paramedics are onb their way. So I figure I'll be sleeping on a pullout sofa for the next week and a half or two so I go back to bed while I have one. She then walks in on me oh so not acceptable 8 in the morning and tlls me in her thin reedy voice: "This happens to you for being up on that computer at night, you're supposed to be caring for your grandfather. It's fine I'll go to the hospital with him. I don't need you right now I'll pick you up when I do." What the hell? I regularly have 2 hours for myself and the rest is spent with grandpa or helping her. I'm some employee that needs to be up and at it while at work and the catch is the shift never ends. I have to leave no trace that I live here AND be fully awake day and night and ready to be woken during the night and my only leisure should be sleeping in the odd hours I take for myself? They don't want to make the christian lady drive...
I want to go home though mom's saying her controlling crap again. "Nobody will love you like I do", "You will not be safer anywhere but your home", "People that tell you not to listen to me are bad people", "Listen to me in all things". I simply don't say anything and I sense her tensing up the same way she tenses when I tell her she's being racist saying black people are inferior and that they aren't, when I stay silent when she tells me Jesus could make grandpa get up and walk right this very instant or don't hate campaign with her when she says homosexuals are depraved filthy disgusting demons. She's the sweetest thing as long as you agree and do as she says when you don't she's your worst enemy. There are no facts merely interpretations. She's wrong in my view most of the time and I love her anyway. She's apparently incapable of returning such sentiment. I can't relate to her well and my aunt is the same way I saw them interact. They get together and the Tv goes "She was raped by her ex boyfriend and beaten" they start clucking on how horrible it is for hours on end. For me I assume everyone in the room finds it horrible, if someone says it's not and presents a reason then yes that would be something to talk about for hours. Anyhow Dad's restraining order is down so I can see him again and I am looking forward to that though. My animals and my friends. There's a good chance it'll be tooth and nail if I want to study abroad.
Sins of a Solar Empire has taken my stress away I actually left this open and played it for around an hour now I have to go pack for the hospital. My Vasari Empire own 4 stars. Damn Sexy. Like me.
Shtuff
Mon Dec 8, 2008, 4:31 PM
==
Basics:
==
Name: Seb
Height: 5" 9'
Natural hair color: brown
Eye color: Brown
Number of siblings: nonexistant
Glasses/Contacts: None but I can't read at a distance... it's frustrating while driving or trying to find aisles in the supermarket. WHERE THE HELL IS THE BACTINE?!
Piercings: None and not too excited about getting any for the moment
Tattoos: None yet
Braces?: Nay yet on a sidenote I knew a guy who punched a guy who had braces in the mouth and his knuckles got torn to ribbons... Well I found it hilarious...
==
Favorite:
==
Color: Black, Purple and Green
Band: (s) Voltaire and Creature Feature
Song: (s) probably some of the above right now off the top of my head one of each to humor thee. "The Man Upstairs"- Voltaire and "Gorey Demise"- Creature Feature
Video game: Warhammer 40k- Dawn of War (expansions included)
TV show: Documentaries and such. History channel, Science Channel, Net Geo and those late stand up shows on HBO.
Movie: Pan's Labyrinth
Book: Complete tales of Lovecraft and Poe in one wondrous collection?
Food: Fish, Fruit and Veggies
Game on a cell phone: Bejewled
Scent: Wet Earth
Animal: Wolves, Anthropods and Cephalopods
Comic book: JTHM
Cereal: Honey Bunches of Oats
Website: Can't say I spend hours on any singular one
Celeb(s): Oh now you add an (s)... Celebrties don't acknowledge my existance why should I care about theirs? Stop and think about that you bunch of fanatical pop culture addicted monkeys! monkeys!
==
Do you:
==
Play an instrument?: I can play chopsticks on a piano...
Watch TV more than 60 hours a week?: I'm not sure 2 hours a day at most but it's not daily so I don't know.
Like to sing?: I can sing some songs well besides those no not really at least not in public.
Have a job?: No it's a duty!
Have a cell phone?: Getting one.
Like to play sports?: Soccer back in highschool and I do enjoy chess.
Have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: Hard to define right now but I wouldn't consider myself open or availiable to anyone else.
Live somewhere NOT in the united states: Used to might again.
Have more than 5 TVs in your house?: Nay who the hell does?
Have any special talents/skills?: Animal Care and breeding, gardening and herbalism, Bad knock knock jokes, fixing things and cleaning like some janitor/handyman hybrid grawr, nursing, chess tactics, sarcasm, humming, I can control my pyromania and I possible have more patience than you.
Exercise daily?: Weights to techno music is a good daily exercise
Like school?: I want to go pwn teh college
==
Can you:
==
Sing the alphabet backwards?: Oh yeah we all practice that since kindgergarden... I can't though
Speak any other languages?: Yup Spanish
Go a day without food?: Have though it's wise to take sugary snacks if one is going to do that
Stay up for more than 24 hours?: Too often my friend too often
Roll your tongue?: Yes
Eat a whole pizza?: Depends on the size...small, medium or large?
==
Have you ever:
==
Snuck out of the house?: Is snuck proper? yeah but I try to return before I' missed that.
Cried to get out of trouble?: Nay
Gotten lost in your city?: Momentarily
Seen a shooting star?: I have 3 times and I'm waiting for them wishes
Been to any other countries?: Yes
Had a serious surgery?: Nay
Stolen something important to someone else?: No one does not steal items of value or importance cheap pens and rubber bands are fair game.
Solved a rubik's cube?: After like 20minutes
Gone out in public in your pajamas?: Yes!
Cried over a girl?: Yes...
Kissed a random stranger?: Naw
Hugged a random stranger?: Been arrested?: I believe they'd punch me or anyone who tried that
Done drugs?: Negatory good sir
Had alcohol?: Yes
Laughed and had milk come out of your nose?: Soda does hurt
Pushed all the buttons on an elevator?: Yes because I was on the floor I was getting off and it was after hours. I guess a janitor might've gotten pissed if he got on shortly after.
Gone to school only to find you had the day off because of a holiday/etc?: Yeah back in elemetary school when my mom drove me haha
Swore at your parents?: yes
Kicked a guy where it hurts?: It's more accurate and effective to punch
Been in love?: Am
Been close to love?: Me and love are best pals... not really
Been to a casino?: Yes
Ran over an animal and killed it?: No I ran it over and pieced it together then it got up and walked away...
Broken a bone?: No but a piece of broken chainlink fence went through my arm like *through*
Gotten stitches?: no but I do have a number of scars
Had a water balloon fight in winter?: Haha I like how you think!
Drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour?: no
Made homemade muffins?: No
Bitten someone?: Yes
Been to Disneyland/disneyworld?: Yes
More than 5 times?: lol no
Disney World: yes
Disney Land: Wait what's the difference?
Been to Niagara Falls?: nope
Burped in someones face?: no
==
When's the last time you:
==
Brushed your teeth: This morning.
Went to the bathroom: 9 minutes ago.
Saw a movie in theaters: a month or so ago?
Read a book: about Am reading Lovecraft.
Had a snow day: never
Had a party: Had one... hm no but I've gone to some?
Had a slumber party: never
Made fun of someone: I make fun of life everyday.
Tripped in front of someone: Maybe when I was younger? I can't remember
Went to the grocery store: about a month
Got sick: Not in recent memory
Cursed: Bollocks... just now
Drank Blood: Drank? Maybe sucked on my pricked or cut thumb and I think it tastes good but I don't go around filling glasses and gulping.
==
Pick one:
==
Fruit/vegetables: Fruit
Black/white: Black
Lights on/lights off: Lights off
TV/movie: Both
Car/truck: Jeep
Cash/check: Cash
Pillows/blankets: both
Headache/stomach ache: Neither
Paint/charcoal: Charcoal. Ink
Chinese food/Mexican food: Chinese
Summer/winter: Winter
Snow/rain: Rain
Fog/misty: both
Rock/rap: Those are not comparable. Rap is not Music
Meat/vegetarian: vegetarian
Chocolate/vanilla: Chocolate
Sprinkles/icing: Sprinkles
Cake/pie: Pie
French toast/french fries: French Fries
Strawberries/blueberries: Bluberries
Ocean/swimming pool: Ocean
Cookies/muffins: Muffins
Wallet/pocket: My wallet goes in my pocket.
Window/door: A Window shaped door
Pink/purple: Purple
Cat/dog: Both
Long sleeve/short sleeves: Long
Pants/shorts: Pants
Winter break/spring break: Spring
Spring/autumn: Autumn
Clouds/clear sky: Clouds
Moon/mars: Mars
==
Love
==
Do you believe there is someone for everyone?: probably
What is your idea of the best date?: Something amusing, food, alone time to talk as in a walk or such then sit somehwhere and wait for it to end in each other's arms.
What was your first kiss like?: Tingly and wet
How old were you when you got your first kiss?: 15
Do you think love is a load of rubbish?: No
Whats the best experience you’ve ever had with the opposite sex?: Being completely alone and laughing until we cried like crazy people. It's an odd way to bond.
Have you ever been dumped?: Yes
Have you ever dumped someone?: No
What's the most sexual thing you’ve done with the opposite sex?: None of your buisness
==
I:
==
am: strange
want: To go home
need: To hold the one I love
crave: Peace
love: Christa-Bear and other things that pale in comparison
hate:Ignorance, Mindless hate and stupidity
feel: Tired
miss: Too many things
am annoyed by: "Friends" That will not go away
would rather: There is not "would rather" the walls close around me no matter where I turn
am tired of: Being so important and by extension responsible. Do you know who Atlas is?
will always: The people who've made me who I am
==
Silly stuff:
==
What is your favorite genre of music?: Alternative
What time is it now?: 7:22 p.pm.
What day is it?: 9th? december? I don't know look at the entry date
Whens the last time you called someone?: few minutes ago
How much money do you have right now?: A secret sum
Are you hungry?: Yes
Whatcha doin?: Typing this Journal Entry
Do you like parades?: yep
Do you like the moon?: OH YES
What are you going to do when you're done with this?: probably sleep
If you could have any magical power what would it be?: Creation
Have you ever had a picnic?: No
==
Do you think you are:
==
funny?: I make people laugh a lot so I guess so
handsome?: People are delusional and tell me I am but they are simply delusional so no
sarcastic?: Yes
lazy?: No
hyper?: Yes
friendly?: Depends
evil?: Can be cruel
smart?: I like to think so
strong?: I can lift heavy things but I dont work out to look "ripped" so it might not seem like it but I am more than I might seem
talented?: at certain things
dorky?: at times
Extra: Philosophical
==
Would you ever:
==
Sky dive?: probably
Run away?: From?
Curse at a teacher?: Hopefully not again
Not take a shower for a week?: Ew what the hell?
Ask someone out?: After friendship and mutual attraction being a sure thing
Lie to someone to make them think better of you?: no
Visit a foreign country for more than a month?: Possibly
Go scuba diving?: Have and want to again
Write a book?: I've always wanted to have literary talent I just dabble though I guess I could try some day
Become a rockstar?: yes were all destined to be movie gods and rock stars... capitalism and the media have you in their grasp!
==
Last questions:
==
What kind of computer do you have?: Laptop
Do you like to throw popcorn at people in the movies?: no
How many posters do you have in your room?: none
How many cds do you have?: A number
What time is it now?: 7:29
==
Basics:
==
Name: Seb
Height: 5" 9'
Natural hair color: brown
Eye color: Brown
Number of siblings: nonexistant
Glasses/Contacts: None but I can't read at a distance... it's frustrating while driving or trying to find aisles in the supermarket. WHERE THE HELL IS THE BACTINE?!
Piercings: None and not too excited about getting any for the moment
Tattoos: None yet
Braces?: Nay yet on a sidenote I knew a guy who punched a guy who had braces in the mouth and his knuckles got torn to ribbons... Well I found it hilarious...
==
Favorite:
==
Color: Black, Purple and Green
Band: (s) Voltaire and Creature Feature
Song: (s) probably some of the above right now off the top of my head one of each to humor thee. "The Man Upstairs"- Voltaire and "Gorey Demise"- Creature Feature
Video game: Warhammer 40k- Dawn of War (expansions included)
TV show: Documentaries and such. History channel, Science Channel, Net Geo and those late stand up shows on HBO.
Movie: Pan's Labyrinth
Book: Complete tales of Lovecraft and Poe in one wondrous collection?
Food: Fish, Fruit and Veggies
Game on a cell phone: Bejewled
Scent: Wet Earth
Animal: Wolves, Anthropods and Cephalopods
Comic book: JTHM
Cereal: Honey Bunches of Oats
Website: Can't say I spend hours on any singular one
Celeb(s): Oh now you add an (s)... Celebrties don't acknowledge my existance why should I care about theirs? Stop and think about that you bunch of fanatical pop culture addicted monkeys! monkeys!
==
Do you:
==
Play an instrument?: I can play chopsticks on a piano...
Watch TV more than 60 hours a week?: I'm not sure 2 hours a day at most but it's not daily so I don't know.
Like to sing?: I can sing some songs well besides those no not really at least not in public.
Have a job?: No it's a duty!
Have a cell phone?: Getting one.
Like to play sports?: Soccer back in highschool and I do enjoy chess.
Have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: Hard to define right now but I wouldn't consider myself open or availiable to anyone else.
Live somewhere NOT in the united states: Used to might again.
Have more than 5 TVs in your house?: Nay who the hell does?
Have any special talents/skills?: Animal Care and breeding, gardening and herbalism, Bad knock knock jokes, fixing things and cleaning like some janitor/handyman hybrid grawr, nursing, chess tactics, sarcasm, humming, I can control my pyromania and I possible have more patience than you.
Exercise daily?: Weights to techno music is a good daily exercise
Like school?: I want to go pwn teh college
==
Can you:
==
Sing the alphabet backwards?: Oh yeah we all practice that since kindgergarden... I can't though
Speak any other languages?: Yup Spanish
Go a day without food?: Have though it's wise to take sugary snacks if one is going to do that
Stay up for more than 24 hours?: Too often my friend too often
Roll your tongue?: Yes
Eat a whole pizza?: Depends on the size...small, medium or large?
==
Have you ever:
==
Snuck out of the house?: Is snuck proper? yeah but I try to return before I' missed that.
Cried to get out of trouble?: Nay
Gotten lost in your city?: Momentarily
Seen a shooting star?: I have 3 times and I'm waiting for them wishes
Been to any other countries?: Yes
Had a serious surgery?: Nay
Stolen something important to someone else?: No one does not steal items of value or importance cheap pens and rubber bands are fair game.
Solved a rubik's cube?: After like 20minutes
Gone out in public in your pajamas?: Yes!
Cried over a girl?: Yes...
Kissed a random stranger?: Naw
Hugged a random stranger?: Been arrested?: I believe they'd punch me or anyone who tried that
Done drugs?: Negatory good sir
Had alcohol?: Yes
Laughed and had milk come out of your nose?: Soda does hurt
Pushed all the buttons on an elevator?: Yes because I was on the floor I was getting off and it was after hours. I guess a janitor might've gotten pissed if he got on shortly after.
Gone to school only to find you had the day off because of a holiday/etc?: Yeah back in elemetary school when my mom drove me haha
Swore at your parents?: yes
Kicked a guy where it hurts?: It's more accurate and effective to punch
Been in love?: Am
Been close to love?: Me and love are best pals... not really
Been to a casino?: Yes
Ran over an animal and killed it?: No I ran it over and pieced it together then it got up and walked away...
Broken a bone?: No but a piece of broken chainlink fence went through my arm like *through*
Gotten stitches?: no but I do have a number of scars
Had a water balloon fight in winter?: Haha I like how you think!
Drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour?: no
Made homemade muffins?: No
Bitten someone?: Yes
Been to Disneyland/disneyworld?: Yes
More than 5 times?: lol no
Disney World: yes
Disney Land: Wait what's the difference?
Been to Niagara Falls?: nope
Burped in someones face?: no
==
When's the last time you:
==
Brushed your teeth: This morning.
Went to the bathroom: 9 minutes ago.
Saw a movie in theaters: a month or so ago?
Read a book: about Am reading Lovecraft.
Had a snow day: never
Had a party: Had one... hm no but I've gone to some?
Had a slumber party: never
Made fun of someone: I make fun of life everyday.
Tripped in front of someone: Maybe when I was younger? I can't remember
Went to the grocery store: about a month
Got sick: Not in recent memory
Cursed: Bollocks... just now
Drank Blood: Drank? Maybe sucked on my pricked or cut thumb and I think it tastes good but I don't go around filling glasses and gulping.
==
Pick one:
==
Fruit/vegetables: Fruit
Black/white: Black
Lights on/lights off: Lights off
TV/movie: Both
Car/truck: Jeep
Cash/check: Cash
Pillows/blankets: both
Headache/stomach ache: Neither
Paint/charcoal: Charcoal. Ink
Chinese food/Mexican food: Chinese
Summer/winter: Winter
Snow/rain: Rain
Fog/misty: both
Rock/rap: Those are not comparable. Rap is not Music
Meat/vegetarian: vegetarian
Chocolate/vanilla: Chocolate
Sprinkles/icing: Sprinkles
Cake/pie: Pie
French toast/french fries: French Fries
Strawberries/blueberries: Bluberries
Ocean/swimming pool: Ocean
Cookies/muffins: Muffins
Wallet/pocket: My wallet goes in my pocket.
Window/door: A Window shaped door
Pink/purple: Purple
Cat/dog: Both
Long sleeve/short sleeves: Long
Pants/shorts: Pants
Winter break/spring break: Spring
Spring/autumn: Autumn
Clouds/clear sky: Clouds
Moon/mars: Mars
==
Love
==
Do you believe there is someone for everyone?: probably
What is your idea of the best date?: Something amusing, food, alone time to talk as in a walk or such then sit somehwhere and wait for it to end in each other's arms.
What was your first kiss like?: Tingly and wet
How old were you when you got your first kiss?: 15
Do you think love is a load of rubbish?: No
Whats the best experience you’ve ever had with the opposite sex?: Being completely alone and laughing until we cried like crazy people. It's an odd way to bond.
Have you ever been dumped?: Yes
Have you ever dumped someone?: No
What's the most sexual thing you’ve done with the opposite sex?: None of your buisness
==
I:
==
am: strange
want: To go home
need: To hold the one I love
crave: Peace
love: Christa-Bear and other things that pale in comparison
hate:Ignorance, Mindless hate and stupidity
feel: Tired
miss: Too many things
am annoyed by: "Friends" That will not go away
would rather: There is not "would rather" the walls close around me no matter where I turn
am tired of: Being so important and by extension responsible. Do you know who Atlas is?
will always: The people who've made me who I am
==
Silly stuff:
==
What is your favorite genre of music?: Alternative
What time is it now?: 7:22 p.pm.
What day is it?: 9th? december? I don't know look at the entry date
Whens the last time you called someone?: few minutes ago
How much money do you have right now?: A secret sum
Are you hungry?: Yes
Whatcha doin?: Typing this Journal Entry
Do you like parades?: yep
Do you like the moon?: OH YES
What are you going to do when you're done with this?: probably sleep
If you could have any magical power what would it be?: Creation
Have you ever had a picnic?: No
==
Do you think you are:
==
funny?: I make people laugh a lot so I guess so
handsome?: People are delusional and tell me I am but they are simply delusional so no
sarcastic?: Yes
lazy?: No
hyper?: Yes
friendly?: Depends
evil?: Can be cruel
smart?: I like to think so
strong?: I can lift heavy things but I dont work out to look "ripped" so it might not seem like it but I am more than I might seem
talented?: at certain things
dorky?: at times
Extra: Philosophical
==
Would you ever:
==
Sky dive?: probably
Run away?: From?
Curse at a teacher?: Hopefully not again
Not take a shower for a week?: Ew what the hell?
Ask someone out?: After friendship and mutual attraction being a sure thing
Lie to someone to make them think better of you?: no
Visit a foreign country for more than a month?: Possibly
Go scuba diving?: Have and want to again
Write a book?: I've always wanted to have literary talent I just dabble though I guess I could try some day
Become a rockstar?: yes were all destined to be movie gods and rock stars... capitalism and the media have you in their grasp!
==
Last questions:
==
What kind of computer do you have?: Laptop
Do you like to throw popcorn at people in the movies?: no
How many posters do you have in your room?: none
How many cds do you have?: A number
What time is it now?: 7:29
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Hey it's Seb (Feedback or advice appreciated)
Tue Dec 2, 2008, 7:03 AM
Preface-
Well I just finished rewriting waaaay down there and skimmed it once. I stopped writing for awhile as I'm sure my past introductory self will say. Because well not only have I been busy and actually having someone to confide with I guess I grew tired. Don't get me wrong it's mainly just that this slow piece of crap computer is in a smelly basement and my aunt also complains about me using it but to be honest I grew tired of writing in general and I might continue still though I must admit the text below was fun and releasing in a way to do.
Right enough rhetoric, we go to the point. Here and on the title I humbly ask for feedback. One last hurrah for old tired Seb if you will. If you can bear it please read and tell me what you think. I think I've lost most of my watchers from either bouts of inactivity or past entries. Yet right now I stand at a crossroad and I'm worried and tired and well yes I would greatly apreciate help. I've never cared for feedback before it's why my style has been more than a little radical, often and ranty. I'm sorry if it can be said I don't care what people think of what I say most of the time. I mean no offense and I do so because I tolerate and am intrigued by other ways of thinking. Right now I ask for feedback though and well I guess I should shut up now and let my past me from 18 minutes or so ago tell you the facts. Bear in mind I had no plan to write this preface or ask for advice. I do so because I was seized by an unfamiliar sense of helplessness and confusion when actually writing the entry.
Entry-
Hello Old Friend, I haven't written in awhile. I found someone to talk to about anything and everything. In that aspect I am more than happy. It's silly I think that these entries never capture my happy periods. These appear as just some long gaps between dates for others have been serious and stressful times. In a way that they merited not writing at all.
I shouldn't be starting off that way because I am writing most certaintly not a wish to capture some happy times. I guess I am giving that impression so I'll stop. Just idle musing forgive me it's been awhile.
Matter of fact that which is a afoot is this. At around five in the morning I woke up sweating and turned on the air conditioner in high cool and well I wasn't going to sit around waiting for it to cool before going back to bed so I slept. At seven I wake to the commotion of my aunt being agitated and in my room. I think I was supposed to understand what she said but well I was sleeping. Now at around close to eight I manage to rouse myself and go ask her what was the matter before she goes off for work. She claims she could hear during the entire night the air conditioner on high cool. Now the thing is, outside of the fact that I tell you I kept it on low fan and I'm not lying, the model in question is not rickety and prone to coughs and starts you can hear. It is very silent now not only that her saying she can hear it when she sleeps at two and three in the morning because she goes to bed late and I later still. She can hear it through a wall in the small hours of the morning and tell exactly when it's on and which of the different settings. Not only that and here's the cream. My account according to her is a "nice excuse" she remarks dismissively, full of herself sure of her "superhuman" senses.
Not only is that an insult it's insanity. Situations like this have repeated themselves in the last six months. I wouldn't say it bold to say up to a thousand times since every damned dreary moment with her seems to not be able to pass without one.
I tried to bridge for my grandfather's sake and I made it work through sheer optimism and diplomacy for awhile, I watched her blasted idiotic soaps with her at times and nodded to her flawed ideals. Alas I can't do that for long especially in these circumstances and especially if she's an ungrateful neurotic hag at every turn regardless. Outside of her manias and delusions. Her monstrous ego of herself and her powers of judgement based on superhuman perception. There's also the problem that yes she's under economic pressure but that's because she went crazy with her credit cards and get this when she realized what was happening just surrendered to it and used them more until my mom and other aunt stopped her. As a consequence on her path of payment and redemption she's also greedy and controllative. She labels foods in the fridge and asks me to cook old things she doesn't want and not the labelled things. I buy, sotre and cook my own groceries. She has a perverse fixation with anything electronic to the point you can't leave on a lamp and go to the bathroom without it being a serious problem as well as more than 15 minutes in the shower and other weirder more incoherent things. It feels not only am I living with a schizophrenic but am living with one during the Great Depression.
It's come to the point where I do everything when she's not around. I cook and shower and clean and take care of grandpa. Then tidy up when she gets home say goodbye to grandpa and confine myself to my room with a book, a friend on the phone, music or to sleep. If she goes to the basement or out I'm back at Grandpa's side. It has dramatically decreased any clashes over pointless manias and stupid things but it's also made things tense since it's rather obvious I shun her company.
There was an arguement a few days ago in which she made it clear by a loud slip of the tongue she resents me being here. I can deal with that God knows I resent her. She tried to make ammends on how she didn't mean it and she was just frustrated and didn't mean it when it was obvious it's exactly what she meant when she said it. The ammends and apology tasted like ash in my mouth yet I nodded politely for the sake of tense peace.
I spent that afternoon staring at this loveable atrophied near a century old being composed only it would seem of skin and bones. I love him dearly, I love him because he raised and I love him because he's so frail and sick and I'm his caregiver. I don't expect you to understand. I'm protective towards him because nobody takes care of him like I do. Especially not that beast I'm forced to live with that keeps telling him it's okay to die and that he is going to and gave him pnemonia twice while I slept. Of course I ended staying at the hospital for weeks on end when that happenend not her. Of course not the nurses neither though I don't resent that. They have 12 other patients in their shift. In the end though yes I'm bitter.
I stared at him and wished it was just me and him. Because it just is me and him and it could be me and him. I'm with him everyday, I can count the times I've left this apartment in the last six months with one hand.
This has drawn out and I apologize that I filled a great deal of it with anger. I'm sure anyone logical would not need that much persuasion that she is an unpleasant human being in more ways than one. The point is that I've gone past indifferent and I've gone past tired of tolerating my aunt. I'm sick of it. I think and it fills me with an immense sadness and dark foreboding. I'm not tired of my grandfather. Taking care of him makes me happy and of course I'm not sick or indifferent nor would be ever of caring of him. I just wish it was me and him or me and him and anyone else. It makes me immensely sad because it's not fair. I'm sick though, I'm sick of the constant negative attitude of arrogance and ungratefulness, gross stupidity that also affects my grandfather and the plain damned insanity of having to also live with my aunt.
I might go back home or to my other aunt's house. For awhile I hope but I doubt I'd be welcome here again well because I don't feel welcome right now nor ever have. I wish I could strap grandpa to my back and get on a plane. I would never forgive myself if something happens to him after I go.
There's always been talk about a paid daily nursing service. Which has resurfaced more and more amongst my other concerned family members as this has been going on and turning into a 6 month ordeal for me. Still unless my uncle came back and even then some part of me would consider living illegally in the basement to stay with grandpa and continue taking this slow silent martyrdom regardless. If he did come back it's the only clear exit strategy I've ever had simply because 4 people are too many people for this apartment and grandpa would have company. I would accept those terms even if grudgingly still. I'm sure my aunt would love the 8 hour lady and me out. He would be cared for just not by me. Which is why I can't bring myself to say " He would be cared for well".
I want to be with him until the end. I'm not tired of taking care of him. I'm just sick of tolerating her. It's starting to become a physical thing. I just want to go home or anywhere with my grandpa and be with him there.
So the question that haunts me is "What to do?". Take a week or two to clear my head. Maybe it'll rattle my aunt into realizing that she should suck it up and apreciate? I do a lot here. I doubt it though I bet she'll just holler the 8 hour lady and leave it at that. Do I stay? Do I go and trust the 8 hour lady and that my uncle will come back in less than 2 months and entrust my grandfather's care to that? Do I go for two weeks while being adamant that I will return?
I know I shouldn't but my mind keeps turning to the wish of me and him somewhere else. Just me and him until the end.
Preface-
Well I just finished rewriting waaaay down there and skimmed it once. I stopped writing for awhile as I'm sure my past introductory self will say. Because well not only have I been busy and actually having someone to confide with I guess I grew tired. Don't get me wrong it's mainly just that this slow piece of crap computer is in a smelly basement and my aunt also complains about me using it but to be honest I grew tired of writing in general and I might continue still though I must admit the text below was fun and releasing in a way to do.
Right enough rhetoric, we go to the point. Here and on the title I humbly ask for feedback. One last hurrah for old tired Seb if you will. If you can bear it please read and tell me what you think. I think I've lost most of my watchers from either bouts of inactivity or past entries. Yet right now I stand at a crossroad and I'm worried and tired and well yes I would greatly apreciate help. I've never cared for feedback before it's why my style has been more than a little radical, often and ranty. I'm sorry if it can be said I don't care what people think of what I say most of the time. I mean no offense and I do so because I tolerate and am intrigued by other ways of thinking. Right now I ask for feedback though and well I guess I should shut up now and let my past me from 18 minutes or so ago tell you the facts. Bear in mind I had no plan to write this preface or ask for advice. I do so because I was seized by an unfamiliar sense of helplessness and confusion when actually writing the entry.
Entry-
Hello Old Friend, I haven't written in awhile. I found someone to talk to about anything and everything. In that aspect I am more than happy. It's silly I think that these entries never capture my happy periods. These appear as just some long gaps between dates for others have been serious and stressful times. In a way that they merited not writing at all.
I shouldn't be starting off that way because I am writing most certaintly not a wish to capture some happy times. I guess I am giving that impression so I'll stop. Just idle musing forgive me it's been awhile.
Matter of fact that which is a afoot is this. At around five in the morning I woke up sweating and turned on the air conditioner in high cool and well I wasn't going to sit around waiting for it to cool before going back to bed so I slept. At seven I wake to the commotion of my aunt being agitated and in my room. I think I was supposed to understand what she said but well I was sleeping. Now at around close to eight I manage to rouse myself and go ask her what was the matter before she goes off for work. She claims she could hear during the entire night the air conditioner on high cool. Now the thing is, outside of the fact that I tell you I kept it on low fan and I'm not lying, the model in question is not rickety and prone to coughs and starts you can hear. It is very silent now not only that her saying she can hear it when she sleeps at two and three in the morning because she goes to bed late and I later still. She can hear it through a wall in the small hours of the morning and tell exactly when it's on and which of the different settings. Not only that and here's the cream. My account according to her is a "nice excuse" she remarks dismissively, full of herself sure of her "superhuman" senses.
Not only is that an insult it's insanity. Situations like this have repeated themselves in the last six months. I wouldn't say it bold to say up to a thousand times since every damned dreary moment with her seems to not be able to pass without one.
I tried to bridge for my grandfather's sake and I made it work through sheer optimism and diplomacy for awhile, I watched her blasted idiotic soaps with her at times and nodded to her flawed ideals. Alas I can't do that for long especially in these circumstances and especially if she's an ungrateful neurotic hag at every turn regardless. Outside of her manias and delusions. Her monstrous ego of herself and her powers of judgement based on superhuman perception. There's also the problem that yes she's under economic pressure but that's because she went crazy with her credit cards and get this when she realized what was happening just surrendered to it and used them more until my mom and other aunt stopped her. As a consequence on her path of payment and redemption she's also greedy and controllative. She labels foods in the fridge and asks me to cook old things she doesn't want and not the labelled things. I buy, sotre and cook my own groceries. She has a perverse fixation with anything electronic to the point you can't leave on a lamp and go to the bathroom without it being a serious problem as well as more than 15 minutes in the shower and other weirder more incoherent things. It feels not only am I living with a schizophrenic but am living with one during the Great Depression.
It's come to the point where I do everything when she's not around. I cook and shower and clean and take care of grandpa. Then tidy up when she gets home say goodbye to grandpa and confine myself to my room with a book, a friend on the phone, music or to sleep. If she goes to the basement or out I'm back at Grandpa's side. It has dramatically decreased any clashes over pointless manias and stupid things but it's also made things tense since it's rather obvious I shun her company.
There was an arguement a few days ago in which she made it clear by a loud slip of the tongue she resents me being here. I can deal with that God knows I resent her. She tried to make ammends on how she didn't mean it and she was just frustrated and didn't mean it when it was obvious it's exactly what she meant when she said it. The ammends and apology tasted like ash in my mouth yet I nodded politely for the sake of tense peace.
I spent that afternoon staring at this loveable atrophied near a century old being composed only it would seem of skin and bones. I love him dearly, I love him because he raised and I love him because he's so frail and sick and I'm his caregiver. I don't expect you to understand. I'm protective towards him because nobody takes care of him like I do. Especially not that beast I'm forced to live with that keeps telling him it's okay to die and that he is going to and gave him pnemonia twice while I slept. Of course I ended staying at the hospital for weeks on end when that happenend not her. Of course not the nurses neither though I don't resent that. They have 12 other patients in their shift. In the end though yes I'm bitter.
I stared at him and wished it was just me and him. Because it just is me and him and it could be me and him. I'm with him everyday, I can count the times I've left this apartment in the last six months with one hand.
This has drawn out and I apologize that I filled a great deal of it with anger. I'm sure anyone logical would not need that much persuasion that she is an unpleasant human being in more ways than one. The point is that I've gone past indifferent and I've gone past tired of tolerating my aunt. I'm sick of it. I think and it fills me with an immense sadness and dark foreboding. I'm not tired of my grandfather. Taking care of him makes me happy and of course I'm not sick or indifferent nor would be ever of caring of him. I just wish it was me and him or me and him and anyone else. It makes me immensely sad because it's not fair. I'm sick though, I'm sick of the constant negative attitude of arrogance and ungratefulness, gross stupidity that also affects my grandfather and the plain damned insanity of having to also live with my aunt.
I might go back home or to my other aunt's house. For awhile I hope but I doubt I'd be welcome here again well because I don't feel welcome right now nor ever have. I wish I could strap grandpa to my back and get on a plane. I would never forgive myself if something happens to him after I go.
There's always been talk about a paid daily nursing service. Which has resurfaced more and more amongst my other concerned family members as this has been going on and turning into a 6 month ordeal for me. Still unless my uncle came back and even then some part of me would consider living illegally in the basement to stay with grandpa and continue taking this slow silent martyrdom regardless. If he did come back it's the only clear exit strategy I've ever had simply because 4 people are too many people for this apartment and grandpa would have company. I would accept those terms even if grudgingly still. I'm sure my aunt would love the 8 hour lady and me out. He would be cared for just not by me. Which is why I can't bring myself to say " He would be cared for well".
I want to be with him until the end. I'm not tired of taking care of him. I'm just sick of tolerating her. It's starting to become a physical thing. I just want to go home or anywhere with my grandpa and be with him there.
So the question that haunts me is "What to do?". Take a week or two to clear my head. Maybe it'll rattle my aunt into realizing that she should suck it up and apreciate? I do a lot here. I doubt it though I bet she'll just holler the 8 hour lady and leave it at that. Do I stay? Do I go and trust the 8 hour lady and that my uncle will come back in less than 2 months and entrust my grandfather's care to that? Do I go for two weeks while being adamant that I will return?
I know I shouldn't but my mind keeps turning to the wish of me and him somewhere else. Just me and him until the end.
Done!
Fri Nov 21, 2008, 7:49 PM
Well internet explorer closed my half finished entry. That was charming... I'm too tired too start again... back from hospital... Holocene extinction.... Bees... vibrating beds... yeaaahhh I'll rewrite later.
-------------------------
(Later)
Well first of all I'm slightly disturbed at this very moment. I'm seeing Sarah Palin talking to a reporter while turkeys are slit and disembowled behind her. I guess the main thought going on in my mind over and over again is What the hell? That reporter played her, he didn't say let's move away from the poultry massacre did he? Nope he said Sarah Palin doesn't mind what an insensetive wench ha! this goes hand in hand with shooting wolves from helicopters! big bucks for me! har har. The clip's been running on CNN all day apparently. It bothers me it doesn't surprise me from her but bothers. It's a reminder of the upcoming turkey holocaust. I hope you die clean and you die quickly you nice dumb birds.
To the main course shall we? I got back from the hospital today. I'm bone tired but I'll be shipping my laptop back in the next few days so I basically figured I'll just get the most out of it now and sleep when it's goes for a 2-3 week vacation for repairs. Some entries ago if you might remember I said the hospital staff and doctors loved me and I was worried they'd do something like bake me a cake. Well they did, not bakery related, but they did. They offered me a part time job as a receptionist saying it's sad my nursing and tact can't be put to use but they really hoped i'd take receptionist. I politely declined of course. Grandpa needs me and when he doesn't because he'll be in better hands in the next world I highly doubt I'll stick around New Jersey. I gave them my number and got theirs just in case some freak accident of life happens but more out of politeness. Grandpa's stopped talking but I talk to him anyway. When he's mor alert he nods or shakes his head sometimes he just moves his eyebrows at me. He usually does it when he's alert but sometimes randomly too so I talk to him all the time. It helps me and I think he can her me. I guess if a third person party was to walk in I'd seem insane having full conversations, agreeing with his unspoken consent, inquiries or denials. If I go or it long enough he does pay attention at some point. I also do so for the simple facts that it helps me cope and I love him. Loss of speech doesn't change anything were still having quality time I remember these nurses came over and they were just taking notes down and asking details and he was alert enough t see them. They left and I go over and put an arm around him and go "All these pretty girls coming to see you eh?" and squeezed his shoulder, he moved his mouth and raised his eyebrows amused and smirked a bit.
His limbs are contracted and it got me thinking. Astronauts get onto these vibrating beds to prevent bone density loss and muscle strenght diminishing. Couldn't this same approach be taken to people who are getting atrophied, in a much more gentler approach of course but I believe it would work. Just a theory of course. I carved soap sculptures with scissors at the hospital. When grandpa sleeps I feel the need to watch over him regardless, there was that incident that mom took me to a mall and left him alone and I got what might be called protective separation anxiety, so I stay in the vicinity. I also get bored out of my mind... so Icarvd soap... scultures... with hair scissors...in a hospital bathroom. I don't want to know what that makes you think about my mental state... I sent a picture message by phone by a friend and then presented them to her when she called. She couldn't stop laughing it made me happy. I named them Creepy Pablo and Konrad. Someone around here might recognize Creepy Pablo...
I met a nursing student who was very kind and se also liked me a lot I think. She was doing part of her practice and was around for 2 days. She was fun she was cheerful, smart and a bit shy and a bit awed at my nursing and medicine knowledge since everything she tried to tell me related to it I'd cut her off with an "I know" and explained it myself. It's been 6 months and not only do I like learning I want to take the best care of Grandpa so I've gone up the ropes and learned with an honest interest. She asked me my age at a point and I gave her a coy smile and she blushed like there was no tomorrow. Her goodbye was a blushing giggling mess since I just kept going for eyecontact with a smirk and gentle nods. I cut her off before she gave me her number she was a sweetheart, maybe at another time I might've taken it further, my love interests lie elsewhere right now though. As risky and knife egded as they are.
I was thinking of the Holocene extinction and the bees. I started the entry that got deleted with this and worded it a lot more nicely because it was actually on my mind at the time. Main thing is how bees are dissapearing and such a large number of plants depend on pollinization by them. Take a moment and think about it, it's pretty damn worrying for me when I do it. I can see a chain reaction, a dominoe effect stemming from and widely and severely affecting flora and fauna as a whole. It's called an ecosystem for a reason you know. Not only is this slowly and surely happening you got so many other negative indirectly or directly human factors attacking the balance from other angles. I can't shake the feeling it's all going to hell then look around me and everyone is still enthralled in their small minds with their excessive shopping and masturbation. It saddens me sometimes, momentarily, I shake it off but still bah. Is it so hard to raise an eye to the heavens and ponder and maybe be conscious of your fleeting time on this world? at least once in your life. I'm a peaceful person generally all of the time but let me tell you I feel rage pure, imaginatively violent and undiluted torwards people who throw trash out their windows while driving.
A lot other stuff went through my mind in the sleepless night on a pullout sofa at the hospital it's a pity I couldn't write them then. I like to think they were more important and interesting than what I wrote now.
Well internet explorer closed my half finished entry. That was charming... I'm too tired too start again... back from hospital... Holocene extinction.... Bees... vibrating beds... yeaaahhh I'll rewrite later.
-------------------------
(Later)
Well first of all I'm slightly disturbed at this very moment. I'm seeing Sarah Palin talking to a reporter while turkeys are slit and disembowled behind her. I guess the main thought going on in my mind over and over again is What the hell? That reporter played her, he didn't say let's move away from the poultry massacre did he? Nope he said Sarah Palin doesn't mind what an insensetive wench ha! this goes hand in hand with shooting wolves from helicopters! big bucks for me! har har. The clip's been running on CNN all day apparently. It bothers me it doesn't surprise me from her but bothers. It's a reminder of the upcoming turkey holocaust. I hope you die clean and you die quickly you nice dumb birds.
To the main course shall we? I got back from the hospital today. I'm bone tired but I'll be shipping my laptop back in the next few days so I basically figured I'll just get the most out of it now and sleep when it's goes for a 2-3 week vacation for repairs. Some entries ago if you might remember I said the hospital staff and doctors loved me and I was worried they'd do something like bake me a cake. Well they did, not bakery related, but they did. They offered me a part time job as a receptionist saying it's sad my nursing and tact can't be put to use but they really hoped i'd take receptionist. I politely declined of course. Grandpa needs me and when he doesn't because he'll be in better hands in the next world I highly doubt I'll stick around New Jersey. I gave them my number and got theirs just in case some freak accident of life happens but more out of politeness. Grandpa's stopped talking but I talk to him anyway. When he's mor alert he nods or shakes his head sometimes he just moves his eyebrows at me. He usually does it when he's alert but sometimes randomly too so I talk to him all the time. It helps me and I think he can her me. I guess if a third person party was to walk in I'd seem insane having full conversations, agreeing with his unspoken consent, inquiries or denials. If I go or it long enough he does pay attention at some point. I also do so for the simple facts that it helps me cope and I love him. Loss of speech doesn't change anything were still having quality time
I remember these nurses came over and they were just taking notes down and asking details and he was alert enough t see them. They left and I go over and put an arm around him and go "All these pretty girls coming to see you eh?" and squeezed his shoulder, he moved his mouth and raised his eyebrows amused and smirked a bit.His limbs are contracted and it got me thinking. Astronauts get onto these vibrating beds to prevent bone density loss and muscle strenght diminishing. Couldn't this same approach be taken to people who are getting atrophied, in a much more gentler approach of course but I believe it would work. Just a theory of course. I carved soap sculptures with scissors at the hospital. When grandpa sleeps I feel the need to watch over him regardless, there was that incident that mom took me to a mall and left him alone and I got what might be called protective separation anxiety, so I stay in the vicinity. I also get bored out of my mind... so Icarvd soap... scultures... with hair scissors...in a hospital bathroom. I don't want to know what that makes you think about my mental state... I sent a picture message by phone by a friend and then presented them to her when she called. She couldn't stop laughing it made me happy. I named them Creepy Pablo and Konrad. Someone around here might recognize Creepy Pablo...
I met a nursing student who was very kind and se also liked me a lot I think. She was doing part of her practice and was around for 2 days. She was fun she was cheerful, smart and a bit shy and a bit awed at my nursing and medicine knowledge since everything she tried to tell me related to it I'd cut her off with an "I know" and explained it myself. It's been 6 months and not only do I like learning I want to take the best care of Grandpa so I've gone up the ropes and learned with an honest interest. She asked me my age at a point and I gave her a coy smile and she blushed like there was no tomorrow. Her goodbye was a blushing giggling mess since I just kept going for eyecontact with a smirk and gentle nods. I cut her off before she gave me her number she was a sweetheart, maybe at another time I might've taken it further, my love interests lie elsewhere right now though. As risky and knife egded as they are.
I was thinking of the Holocene extinction and the bees. I started the entry that got deleted with this and worded it a lot more nicely because it was actually on my mind at the time. Main thing is how bees are dissapearing and such a large number of plants depend on pollinization by them. Take a moment and think about it, it's pretty damn worrying for me when I do it. I can see a chain reaction, a dominoe effect stemming from and widely and severely affecting flora and fauna as a whole. It's called an ecosystem for a reason you know. Not only is this slowly and surely happening you got so many other negative indirectly or directly human factors attacking the balance from other angles. I can't shake the feeling it's all going to hell then look around me and everyone is still enthralled in their small minds with their excessive shopping and masturbation. It saddens me sometimes, momentarily, I shake it off but still bah. Is it so hard to raise an eye to the heavens and ponder and maybe be conscious of your fleeting time on this world? at least once in your life. I'm a peaceful person generally all of the time but let me tell you I feel rage pure, imaginatively violent and undiluted torwards people who throw trash out their windows while driving.
A lot other stuff went through my mind in the sleepless night on a pullout sofa at the hospital it's a pity I couldn't write them then. I like to think they were more important and interesting than what I wrote now.
Happy Halloween!
Sat Nov 1, 2008, 4:38 PM
Happy Halloween Boils and Ghouls!
Do not wear costumes that make you appear as an innocent furry animal, Sarah Palin might shoot you
I hope Sarah Palin reincarnates as a wolf being shot from a helicopter 
Spending my favourite holiday alone which is rather disheartening. Yet it was enjoyable nevertheless though amusingly it didn't vary much from my usual doings. Took a long walk at dusk, dawn and night. Read "At the Mountains of Madness" by Lovecraft and listened the entire day of Nox Arcana as ambient backdrop. I watched some halloween TV specials. I've said this before and I repeat myself "splatter" and "gore" horror fails, it's the most cheap way of horror based on the most childish fear of vurnerability and graphic mutilation. You know it'll revolve around unevitable and great bodily harm by the antagonist. I find it simply foolish since it does not affect me. I would note I love good monster movies greatly even if it's just a monster ripping heads and splitting bodies open, there's still the unknown factor and come on I love beasties and monsters. So yes I will go with splatter films as long as they'll include zombies or inhuman creatures and an interesting plot. Halloween, Jason, Freddy so on. Unstoppable slasher tearing teenagers apart...BORING.
Decapitations, dismsmberment, bludgeoning, stabbing, slashing, crushing, burning, disembowlment are all logical things for me. I would be unnerved if they stabbed a guy in the stomach and nothing came out. I wanted to be a Pathologist since I was 11 and into my early teen years, it seemed like a good paying job nobody else wanted and I didn't mind plus it did and does interest me. This trend went on until I was naive enough to mention it to my family and they reprimanded and outraged so much over me even thinking of such unnatural and unchristian profession choice.
To the point the kind of horror I favor and enjoy in both movies and books is Psychological Horror. It's sublte it deals with what people have under their skin. Their thoughts, their hopes their dreams. Takes fears, guilt, beliefs, sanity, the unknown and emotional instability to heightened levels. The shadowy parts of ourselves we deny and repress and the questions how much can we take when the world and reality we take for granted, that reassures us of our sanity is swept off from under our feet. How far can the human mind go and how much can sanity take as well as what it actually is. I greatly admire and enjoy the works of Edgar Allan Poe, Stephen King and H.P. Lovecraft.
Some mystics and thinkers try to understand the greater picture, the greater reality. Lovecraft's stories twist this ideal by his characters going mad at the glimpse of the greater alien reality which the human mind is not meant to comprehend. Man is an arrogant creature thinking it can master anything and everything in the universe and lovecraft's works usually humble that ideal. Let me find a quote two seconds...
"The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents. We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity; and it was not meant that we should voyage far."
-The Call of Cthulhu
"The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown..."
-H. P. Lovecraft, Supernatural horror in Literature
Stephen King, I've written about his works before. He starts his short stories with a perfectly mundane setting. Joe and his wife with their child timmy living in Oregon falling behind on their taxes. He then tears it apart with inhuman horrors and unexplainable madness that are hidden in such mundane settings. You go along for the ride with the protagonist. His slowly decaying sanity, questioning of reality and everything he once took for granted which I tell you is a good read for me. Since I did it with Lovecraft I'll find one by King. My favorite quote from "The Mist" by Stephen King:
"I spent half of last night thinking I must have flipped out of my gourd, that I was probably in a straitjacket in Danvers, raving my head off about bugs and dinosaur birds and tentacles and that it would all go away as soon as nice orderly came along and shot a wad of Thorazine into my arm"
I won't do a quote with Poe, i'd like to move from authors, but I will recommend you the "Black Cat", "King Pest", "The Tell-Tale Heart" and "The Cask of Amontillado".
As a sidenote I downloaded WoW and played for a bit. I got a two headed dog "The Kurken" with the new exotic beasts ability. I'm sending the computer back but I'll play sporadically until then. No point in getting another game for it since it'll be gone in less than week. As well as no point in downloading the pictures off the camera to be able to take more because I'd lose them once it's sent back. I don't think I'll play it again after that I pretty much got bored with it after an hour.
I will extend this later I want to sleep now. I just wanted to cover up the last entry and muse a bit.
Happy Halloween Boils and Ghouls!
Do not wear costumes that make you appear as an innocent furry animal, Sarah Palin might shoot you
I hope Sarah Palin reincarnates as a wolf being shot from a helicopter Spending my favourite holiday alone which is rather disheartening. Yet it was enjoyable nevertheless though amusingly it didn't vary much from my usual doings. Took a long walk at dusk, dawn and night. Read "At the Mountains of Madness" by Lovecraft and listened the entire day of Nox Arcana as ambient backdrop. I watched some halloween TV specials. I've said this before and I repeat myself "splatter" and "gore" horror fails, it's the most cheap way of horror based on the most childish fear of vurnerability and graphic mutilation. You know it'll revolve around unevitable and great bodily harm by the antagonist. I find it simply foolish since it does not affect me. I would note I love good monster movies greatly even if it's just a monster ripping heads and splitting bodies open, there's still the unknown factor and come on I love beasties and monsters. So yes I will go with splatter films as long as they'll include zombies or inhuman creatures and an interesting plot. Halloween, Jason, Freddy so on. Unstoppable slasher tearing teenagers apart...BORING.
Decapitations, dismsmberment, bludgeoning, stabbing, slashing, crushing, burning, disembowlment are all logical things for me. I would be unnerved if they stabbed a guy in the stomach and nothing came out. I wanted to be a Pathologist since I was 11 and into my early teen years, it seemed like a good paying job nobody else wanted and I didn't mind plus it did and does interest me. This trend went on until I was naive enough to mention it to my family and they reprimanded and outraged so much over me even thinking of such unnatural and unchristian profession choice.
To the point the kind of horror I favor and enjoy in both movies and books is Psychological Horror. It's sublte it deals with what people have under their skin. Their thoughts, their hopes their dreams. Takes fears, guilt, beliefs, sanity, the unknown and emotional instability to heightened levels. The shadowy parts of ourselves we deny and repress and the questions how much can we take when the world and reality we take for granted, that reassures us of our sanity is swept off from under our feet. How far can the human mind go and how much can sanity take as well as what it actually is. I greatly admire and enjoy the works of Edgar Allan Poe, Stephen King and H.P. Lovecraft.
Some mystics and thinkers try to understand the greater picture, the greater reality. Lovecraft's stories twist this ideal by his characters going mad at the glimpse of the greater alien reality which the human mind is not meant to comprehend. Man is an arrogant creature thinking it can master anything and everything in the universe and lovecraft's works usually humble that ideal. Let me find a quote two seconds...
"The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents. We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity; and it was not meant that we should voyage far."
-The Call of Cthulhu
"The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown..."
-H. P. Lovecraft, Supernatural horror in Literature
Stephen King, I've written about his works before. He starts his short stories with a perfectly mundane setting. Joe and his wife with their child timmy living in Oregon falling behind on their taxes. He then tears it apart with inhuman horrors and unexplainable madness that are hidden in such mundane settings. You go along for the ride with the protagonist. His slowly decaying sanity, questioning of reality and everything he once took for granted which I tell you is a good read for me. Since I did it with Lovecraft I'll find one by King. My favorite quote from "The Mist" by Stephen King:
"I spent half of last night thinking I must have flipped out of my gourd, that I was probably in a straitjacket in Danvers, raving my head off about bugs and dinosaur birds and tentacles and that it would all go away as soon as nice orderly came along and shot a wad of Thorazine into my arm"
I won't do a quote with Poe, i'd like to move from authors, but I will recommend you the "Black Cat", "King Pest", "The Tell-Tale Heart" and "The Cask of Amontillado".
As a sidenote I downloaded WoW and played for a bit. I got a two headed dog "The Kurken" with the new exotic beasts ability. I'm sending the computer back but I'll play sporadically until then. No point in getting another game for it since it'll be gone in less than week. As well as no point in downloading the pictures off the camera to be able to take more because I'd lose them once it's sent back. I don't think I'll play it again after that I pretty much got bored with it after an hour.
I will extend this later I want to sleep now. I just wanted to cover up the last entry and muse a bit.
Emooooooooo <_<
Sat Nov 1, 2008, 4:37 PM
I've been pretty down lately. I guess it's been a combination of things. Mainly just feeling drained and tired in generally. I also haven't spoken to anyone in person but my aunt fo months, unless you want to count home aids, nurses and UPS men but they are the kind of people who mumble about the weather then are on their way. Grandpa doesn't speak anymore, he's neither better nor worse. I don't write about him lately because I realized the entries were just detailed and often repetetive accounts of my care of him. I still do it daily and he's fine besides the occasional bump like a fever or a skin ulcer which I treat and are gone in less than 2 days or so. He doesn't speak or laugh anymore and that stings me deeply. I love him and would love to hear anything at all from him. It's just me and him you see, all alone most of the day until my aunt comes home and she's nothing but a thorn. I've taken refuge in books, music, exercise and documentaries when not tending to him. Kind of funny even though caring for him takes up a lot of time I've also taken the rest of the mentioned pastimes to unhealthy lenghts to keep entertained. My laptop which was supposed to be my birthday gift came bugged a second time. I've had two friends tell me they've gone to concerts of bands I like one going as far as quoting "I wish you could've been there, I don't even like the band that much and they were awesome." That is a reference to NIN
Concering someone I like and likes me back well... I darkly muse I'll hurt her or she'll hurt me. Probably I will considering my late sullen and dark mood. I do know it's not love unless someone gets hurt I'm just not sure if I want it right now. I'm not sure what I want right now at all. I don't really think about it really. My duty is here but it's taking a toll and I can no longer deny that or at least for this current vurnerable moment I cannot. It's been awhile since I've felt like this. I dislike and abhor contact with people in general even people I've let in before. This doesn't interfere with my care of grandpa since he's innocent and I'm a caretaker. I've never been able to be angry or hateful to anything innocent or pure like a child, an animal or someone mentally or physically incapacitated. For the rest of the world my loathing is plain when the mood sets in. In which cases I take sole companionship of the aforementioned beings as solace. Caring for something or someone brings me peace and comfort, it gives me something to anchor, to focus on and be stable and strong for. Then I build from that into social charm and content until the next foul mood falls upon me and I scorn and hate the world at large once more. This cycle started passively since my childhood. Became extremely aggressive in my early and mid teens. Presently it's rare, like the space between a giant's footsteps and I manage it better. Hopefully it'll fade someday or I'll go live as a hermit. Most people are slaves to a ridiculous culture. They seem annoyingly happy and ignorant. It seems to me ignorance and happiness must go hand in hand. I know that that life's not for me, but it hurts not to be understood at all sometimes... sometimes. Other times, most of the time, I banish that feeling away with monstrous arrogance and pride in what I've gone through, who I am and what I've done. I feel no kinship with people who do not or have not suffered greatly. I think that is messed up sometimes. I can only relate with innocent souls and souls who have suffered or do. Is there something wrong with me at some level?
Given I can always accept the company of someone that intrigues me or interests me, an outcast or oddball that I feel protective of or reminds me of myself. As well as of course people who are kind-hearted and caring by nature though sometimes I shut these warm souls out as to not rain on their parade. I got a world inside of me, a private hell of fears and dark memories, odd dreams and chilling nightmares. Strong beliefs that may seem alien or masochistic and harsh to myself to others. I'm rather empathic and caring with the patience of a tree yet this is matched by my sadism and cruelty yet this is only when I feel justified towards someone that hurts someone or something I care for. This however makes it hard for me to define myself as a good or a bad person. I believe in doing what's right and striving for the well-being of others. In brightening up the corner of the world and the lives I inhabit. I also believe supressing my darker emotions such as hate and cruelty to be folly there's nothing ugly about them by themselves. It's all about how you express them. Nietzsche once said those who fight monsters should take care not to become them. I think I'm past that point and sometimes I think I always have been. Just myself as caring, playful, affectionate, loyal, calm, hard working, reclusive, secretive, tough, self sufficient, analytical, sadistic, spiteful, hateful, cruel I am.
I can outwardly appear as a pleasantly social person but it's a subconscious charade more often than not though it has it's honest moments they aren't as often as they may seem or people may think. I'll always be a pariah at heart.
Today I'm not shining. To be the truthful it's more like a stubborn fierce smouldering of a fire that refuses to go out. Yet I'm out or dangerously close but ha curse my pride I worry not at all or as much as I should because I always get up again so this is just a phase. I tell you this and I guess I tell myself too.
I've been pretty down lately. I guess it's been a combination of things. Mainly just feeling drained and tired in generally. I also haven't spoken to anyone in person but my aunt fo months, unless you want to count home aids, nurses and UPS men but they are the kind of people who mumble about the weather then are on their way. Grandpa doesn't speak anymore, he's neither better nor worse. I don't write about him lately because I realized the entries were just detailed and often repetetive accounts of my care of him. I still do it daily and he's fine besides the occasional bump like a fever or a skin ulcer which I treat and are gone in less than 2 days or so. He doesn't speak or laugh anymore and that stings me deeply. I love him and would love to hear anything at all from him. It's just me and him you see, all alone most of the day until my aunt comes home and she's nothing but a thorn. I've taken refuge in books, music, exercise and documentaries when not tending to him. Kind of funny even though caring for him takes up a lot of time I've also taken the rest of the mentioned pastimes to unhealthy lenghts to keep entertained. My laptop which was supposed to be my birthday gift came bugged a second time. I've had two friends tell me they've gone to concerts of bands I like one going as far as quoting "I wish you could've been there, I don't even like the band that much and they were awesome." That is a reference to NIN
Concering someone I like and likes me back well... I darkly muse I'll hurt her or she'll hurt me. Probably I will considering my late sullen and dark mood. I do know it's not love unless someone gets hurt I'm just not sure if I want it right now. I'm not sure what I want right now at all. I don't really think about it really. My duty is here but it's taking a toll and I can no longer deny that or at least for this current vurnerable moment I cannot. It's been awhile since I've felt like this. I dislike and abhor contact with people in general even people I've let in before. This doesn't interfere with my care of grandpa since he's innocent and I'm a caretaker. I've never been able to be angry or hateful to anything innocent or pure like a child, an animal or someone mentally or physically incapacitated. For the rest of the world my loathing is plain when the mood sets in. In which cases I take sole companionship of the aforementioned beings as solace. Caring for something or someone brings me peace and comfort, it gives me something to anchor, to focus on and be stable and strong for. Then I build from that into social charm and content until the next foul mood falls upon me and I scorn and hate the world at large once more. This cycle started passively since my childhood. Became extremely aggressive in my early and mid teens. Presently it's rare, like the space between a giant's footsteps and I manage it better. Hopefully it'll fade someday or I'll go live as a hermit. Most people are slaves to a ridiculous culture. They seem annoyingly happy and ignorant. It seems to me ignorance and happiness must go hand in hand. I know that that life's not for me, but it hurts not to be understood at all sometimes... sometimes. Other times, most of the time, I banish that feeling away with monstrous arrogance and pride in what I've gone through, who I am and what I've done. I feel no kinship with people who do not or have not suffered greatly. I think that is messed up sometimes. I can only relate with innocent souls and souls who have suffered or do. Is there something wrong with me at some level?Given I can always accept the company of someone that intrigues me or interests me, an outcast or oddball that I feel protective of or reminds me of myself. As well as of course people who are kind-hearted and caring by nature though sometimes I shut these warm souls out as to not rain on their parade. I got a world inside of me, a private hell of fears and dark memories, odd dreams and chilling nightmares. Strong beliefs that may seem alien or masochistic and harsh to myself to others. I'm rather empathic and caring with the patience of a tree yet this is matched by my sadism and cruelty yet this is only when I feel justified towards someone that hurts someone or something I care for. This however makes it hard for me to define myself as a good or a bad person. I believe in doing what's right and striving for the well-being of others. In brightening up the corner of the world and the lives I inhabit. I also believe supressing my darker emotions such as hate and cruelty to be folly there's nothing ugly about them by themselves. It's all about how you express them. Nietzsche once said those who fight monsters should take care not to become them. I think I'm past that point and sometimes I think I always have been. Just myself as caring, playful, affectionate, loyal, calm, hard working, reclusive, secretive, tough, self sufficient, analytical, sadistic, spiteful, hateful, cruel I am.
I can outwardly appear as a pleasantly social person but it's a subconscious charade more often than not though it has it's honest moments they aren't as often as they may seem or people may think. I'll always be a pariah at heart.
Today I'm not shining. To be the truthful it's more like a stubborn fierce smouldering of a fire that refuses to go out. Yet I'm out or dangerously close but ha curse my pride I worry not at all or as much as I should because I always get up again so this is just a phase. I tell you this and I guess I tell myself too.
Dreams and Food but not Food Dreams
Thu Oct 30, 2008, 9:46 PM
I have a theory! I was reflecting upon this dream I had and realized in it, like in others, i'm woken by an outside event or factor. My nightmares have faded for almost a 2 months, except for the occasional one but I won't complain it beats daily 4-5 times a week, but that's just a sidenote. Thing is I can usually have dreams that end before I'm woken by whatever external factor. Not just cut short even in the case of nightmares but they do actually end even if in a climax of desperate horror in case of nightmares. Last one was that my grandfather's limbs were merging into his torso and I was trying to stop them because he was crying and I was screaming during it.. or he was screaming and I was crying... or we were doing both. It simply got more futile and frantic and the room started shaking until I simply held him and took him with me out the door. Then I woke gently (although disturbed) because someone was knocking on the door. This was in the hosptal but what drew my attention was the time factor between the dream and the physical event.
More recent, today the phone rang twice before I picked it up and grumbled something unintelligeble into it. I was having a dream about a dear friend being lost and me following her without being able to catch up while she looked hopelessly confused, that sequence seems long looking back at it. Yet when the phone rang it ended with me catching up and hugging her and talking. Once again not a short sequence. Upon reflecting on it I realized I've been also woken under the alike circumstances or ways before.
So I came to think to myself. How is dream time defined? I have a feeling not by real world standards at all. If you try to examine sequences shortly before being woken or whilst being half awake the impression they give don't add up with the time it takes to come out of sleep. The waking is shorter and the dream sequence seems longer than it. So how does the brain manage it? I'll take a guess and say dreams are run at thought speed and that's why we can cram actions that'd take us minutes to do into real-time seconds or less in our dreams. Why do my dreams climax when I'm about to wake either by myself or from external factors. That I'm not sure at all. It's like they try to resolve themselves before I wake.
In other news my laptop is here again and it's defective... again. The CD reader is broken and the keyboard doesn't light up as it should. I do not recommend alienware
Unless they give me coupons 
I troubleshot with technicians for 8 hours straight today (the same day I got it, 15 minutes later actually) it ended with either send it back or we'll send you spare parts and tell you how to replace them. Not sure what to do yet. My camera is still pregnant like a sow and I won't download the pictures into a omputer that might be sent back or wiped. This makes me sad since I was really looking forward to taking more pictures and now I can't
I cook for myself all the time now and it's fun. I've always enjoyed cooking but I've been thinking about vegetarism. Rice is my favorite I can eat buckets I usually eat like two pieaces of chicken and a BUCKET of rice when I feel like indulging
Well I eat meat in part because I know supermarkets throw away food that's about to expire under LOCK AND KEY so homeless people can't steal and eat it or other people sell it. I've always been aware I'm eating another being's flesh and it revolts me when I come across a whole meat meal. I can imagine digging into a person's flesh (not that different from the animal's) and chewing and gulping ugh *shudder* I really don't mind it that much when I cook for myself and respect the animal. I also make extensive use of herbs and vegetables and other edibles to alongside it, meat is never the main course just part of the diet. I'm odd enough to have borrowed thanking the animal and asking for forgiveness from it's spirit since I was 9 from watching an African Hunter do it on the discovery channel. I believe he was a Massai. Before that I always felt bad over it, I grew up with animals for friends and have always kept a large number of pets and had a strong affinity for them, however I had nowhere to channel the empathy and sadness over being served a butchered penned miserable animal. Oddly enough I feel less guilty if I cook them something pretty and thank them. Not half burn the chicken alongside some hasty made greasy fries it feels despective and insulting. If someone were to eat me at least grill me right and serve me with veggies and clean your plate mister! I just can't understand how people go "I feel like casually devouring the flesh of a living being today just like every other day!"
The only thing that stops me from being vegetarian are the facts I know supermarkets throw meat out. It pisses me off there are children starving and they can't get profit and money out of their minds to have an ounce of humanitarian thought. My family thinks meat is great and feel no remorse and if the few that do are hypocritical. "Industrial Farming is Horrible!" *15minutes later* "I want a tripple whopper with cheese"... meh so doing it in my teens would've meant not eating most of what was on the table or the fridge. I personally love seafood, it would be the biggest thing for me to leave. Fish, crustaceans and mollusks don't inspire that much sympathy in me for some reason, guess it's their lack of emotion, expression and lack of pain sensetivity. I know, for example lobsters don't feel when they're boiled. Seafood just gives me the impression of clockwork edible things and as I said before inspire little to no sympathy. It's like if you winded up a toy and told me it was edible. I favor of seafood or all-veggie meals! A lot easier now that I'm alone most of the day and cook for myself. So It's a start so hopefully someday soon I'll be able to buy my own groceries.
I adore raisin bread peanut butter sandwiches. Everyone should try them once!
I have a theory! I was reflecting upon this dream I had and realized in it, like in others, i'm woken by an outside event or factor. My nightmares have faded for almost a 2 months, except for the occasional one but I won't complain it beats daily 4-5 times a week, but that's just a sidenote. Thing is I can usually have dreams that end before I'm woken by whatever external factor. Not just cut short even in the case of nightmares but they do actually end even if in a climax of desperate horror in case of nightmares. Last one was that my grandfather's limbs were merging into his torso and I was trying to stop them because he was crying and I was screaming during it.. or he was screaming and I was crying... or we were doing both. It simply got more futile and frantic and the room started shaking until I simply held him and took him with me out the door. Then I woke gently (although disturbed) because someone was knocking on the door. This was in the hosptal but what drew my attention was the time factor between the dream and the physical event.
More recent, today the phone rang twice before I picked it up and grumbled something unintelligeble into it. I was having a dream about a dear friend being lost and me following her without being able to catch up while she looked hopelessly confused, that sequence seems long looking back at it. Yet when the phone rang it ended with me catching up and hugging her and talking. Once again not a short sequence. Upon reflecting on it I realized I've been also woken under the alike circumstances or ways before.
So I came to think to myself. How is dream time defined? I have a feeling not by real world standards at all. If you try to examine sequences shortly before being woken or whilst being half awake the impression they give don't add up with the time it takes to come out of sleep. The waking is shorter and the dream sequence seems longer than it. So how does the brain manage it? I'll take a guess and say dreams are run at thought speed and that's why we can cram actions that'd take us minutes to do into real-time seconds or less in our dreams. Why do my dreams climax when I'm about to wake either by myself or from external factors. That I'm not sure at all. It's like they try to resolve themselves before I wake.
In other news my laptop is here again and it's defective... again. The CD reader is broken and the keyboard doesn't light up as it should. I do not recommend alienware
Unless they give me coupons I troubleshot with technicians for 8 hours straight today (the same day I got it, 15 minutes later actually) it ended with either send it back or we'll send you spare parts and tell you how to replace them. Not sure what to do yet. My camera is still pregnant like a sow and I won't download the pictures into a omputer that might be sent back or wiped. This makes me sad since I was really looking forward to taking more pictures and now I can't I cook for myself all the time now and it's fun. I've always enjoyed cooking but I've been thinking about vegetarism. Rice is my favorite I can eat buckets I usually eat like two pieaces of chicken and a BUCKET of rice when I feel like indulging
Well I eat meat in part because I know supermarkets throw away food that's about to expire under LOCK AND KEY so homeless people can't steal and eat it or other people sell it. I've always been aware I'm eating another being's flesh and it revolts me when I come across a whole meat meal. I can imagine digging into a person's flesh (not that different from the animal's) and chewing and gulping ugh *shudder* I really don't mind it that much when I cook for myself and respect the animal. I also make extensive use of herbs and vegetables and other edibles to alongside it, meat is never the main course just part of the diet. I'm odd enough to have borrowed thanking the animal and asking for forgiveness from it's spirit since I was 9 from watching an African Hunter do it on the discovery channel. I believe he was a Massai. Before that I always felt bad over it, I grew up with animals for friends and have always kept a large number of pets and had a strong affinity for them, however I had nowhere to channel the empathy and sadness over being served a butchered penned miserable animal. Oddly enough I feel less guilty if I cook them something pretty and thank them. Not half burn the chicken alongside some hasty made greasy fries it feels despective and insulting. If someone were to eat me at least grill me right and serve me with veggies and clean your plate mister! I just can't understand how people go "I feel like casually devouring the flesh of a living being today just like every other day!"
The only thing that stops me from being vegetarian are the facts I know supermarkets throw meat out. It pisses me off there are children starving and they can't get profit and money out of their minds to have an ounce of humanitarian thought. My family thinks meat is great and feel no remorse and if the few that do are hypocritical. "Industrial Farming is Horrible!" *15minutes later* "I want a tripple whopper with cheese"... meh so doing it in my teens would've meant not eating most of what was on the table or the fridge. I personally love seafood, it would be the biggest thing for me to leave. Fish, crustaceans and mollusks don't inspire that much sympathy in me for some reason, guess it's their lack of emotion, expression and lack of pain sensetivity. I know, for example lobsters don't feel when they're boiled. Seafood just gives me the impression of clockwork edible things and as I said before inspire little to no sympathy. It's like if you winded up a toy and told me it was edible. I favor of seafood or all-veggie meals! A lot easier now that I'm alone most of the day and cook for myself. So It's a start so hopefully someday soon I'll be able to buy my own groceries.
I adore raisin bread peanut butter sandwiches. Everyone should try them once!
Pictures :o
Tue Oct 28, 2008, 10:19 AM
It's snowed! It snowed! It was fun I didn't have gloves so resorted to wearing fluffy socks on my hands. They weren't so bad I just didn't have any thumb-use with them. I could cut holes for my fingers in them later and use them like that 
Point is I couldn't work the camera though so my right hand had to be bare and so it was and I damn near froze it. It got red and completely numb but the camera doesn't work itself though so 
I was excited enough not to notice it until after awhile then I just ignored it. I write about it now because I'm feeling it as I type 
I got some Fall pictures too so yeah this is going to be quite a submission. Not sticking to my usual posting batches of 4 deviations at a time so strap yourselves in boys and girls if you plan on checking them all out. I'm actually going to stop trying to write this entry and submit and just concentrate on submitting. I'll finish the entry at the end if I do have the time
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Alas ladies and gents I must take my leave since I do have things to do chief amongst them to cook for myself since my breakfast was going outside to take pictures and my lunch was uploading them My tummy growls it's disapproval 
It's snowed! It snowed! It was fun
I didn't have gloves so resorted to wearing fluffy socks on my hands. They weren't so bad I just didn't have any thumb-use with them. I could cut holes for my fingers in them later and use them like that Point is I couldn't work the camera though so my right hand had to be bare and so it was and I damn near froze it. It got red and completely numb but the camera doesn't work itself though so I was excited enough not to notice it until after awhile then I just ignored it. I write about it now because I'm feeling it as I type I got some Fall pictures too so yeah this is going to be quite a submission. Not sticking to my usual posting batches of 4 deviations at a time so strap yourselves in boys and girls if you plan on checking them all out. I'm actually going to stop trying to write this entry and submit and just concentrate on submitting. I'll finish the entry at the end if I do have the time
-------------
Alas ladies and gents I must take my leave since I do have things to do chief amongst them to cook for myself since my breakfast was going outside to take pictures and my lunch was uploading them
My tummy growls it's disapproval
Devious Journal Entry
Sun Oct 26, 2008, 1:17 PM
"Your conduct speaks so loudly I can't hear a word you are saying"
I get my computer before the 31st I'll have somewhere to download and prep my pictures as well as draft and edit. Outside of that nothing much to say except the trivial and the inconsequential which is what I usually write I simply do not have the time nor means to get to encompassing the extent of time that has gone by not sure If I want to. We'll meet again when I have something to show or say
"Your conduct speaks so loudly I can't hear a word you are saying"
I get my computer before the 31st I'll have somewhere to download and prep my pictures as well as draft and edit. Outside of that nothing much to say except the trivial and the inconsequential which is what I usually write I simply do not have the time nor means to get to encompassing the extent of time that has gone by not sure If I want to. We'll meet again when I have something to show or say
Toi Tas Te
Mon Oct 20, 2008, 7:58 AM
On a lighter note... perhaps not that much lighter but I'll give it my best shot. Hm it's fall here, the ground has frozen to the point of cracking and it's cold as a frozen hell over outside. I learnt being careless with the hose and getting myself wet is not a pleasant experience in this weather. I have a mix of dread and excitement over my first winter. Not like the isolation would be a problem but yeah it's just extremely odd at a primal level for me. I do not find everything dying cheerful in any way though friends keep telling me it's pretty and the trees are just sleeping. I did enjoy taking pictures in the afternoon. From the angle I took the picture the branches against the sky and the scant leaves made me think of veins and tissue if I can manipulate the colours into fleshy and blood reds. I do not have the means at the moment to do that so it's on hold. I also want to get ACID Pro for my laptop when it gets here, yes it's still gone. I might play Wrath of the Lich King since SC 2 is too far away and I've heard no great Feats from Spore. I saw a groundhog a friend's dad once told me he killed them with a BB gun but he told me they were like squirrels and I just thought well that's a tad cruel but a single BB pellet would cause fatal trauma on something as small as a squirrel so I dismissed it. Groundhogs, Ground Squirrels or Woodchucks all names for them, are almost as big as a medium sized dog so the memory of him stating killing them with pellets seems rather different and a bit worse. I took pictures of them too and of squirrels and birds and such I just want my own computer to manage them or manipulate them.
I was worried what the lack of human contact might do over an indefinate period of time but for some blessed reason I've got a friend calling me on a flawless daily basis (Why she does it I don't know, she says I'm interesting and fun, I don't get it but bless her heart) which is also in part why I haven't been writing on here besides for some vague sense of thought record keeping.
I've been reading a lot of Edgar Allan Poe stories been concentrating on the stories and not the poems. I like reading them outloud and noting down old english words. Ah well the Home Aid is here I need to go help her and such I'll finish this when I can.
On a lighter note... perhaps not that much lighter but I'll give it my best shot. Hm it's fall here, the ground has frozen to the point of cracking and it's cold as a frozen hell over outside. I learnt being careless with the hose and getting myself wet is not a pleasant experience in this weather. I have a mix of dread and excitement over my first winter. Not like the isolation would be a problem but yeah it's just extremely odd at a primal level for me. I do not find everything dying cheerful in any way though friends keep telling me it's pretty and the trees are just sleeping. I did enjoy taking pictures in the afternoon. From the angle I took the picture the branches against the sky and the scant leaves made me think of veins and tissue if I can manipulate the colours into fleshy and blood reds. I do not have the means at the moment to do that so it's on hold. I also want to get ACID Pro for my laptop when it gets here, yes it's still gone. I might play Wrath of the Lich King since SC 2 is too far away and I've heard no great Feats from Spore. I saw a groundhog a friend's dad once told me he killed them with a BB gun but he told me they were like squirrels and I just thought well that's a tad cruel but a single BB pellet would cause fatal trauma on something as small as a squirrel so I dismissed it. Groundhogs, Ground Squirrels or Woodchucks all names for them, are almost as big as a medium sized dog so the memory of him stating killing them with pellets seems rather different and a bit worse. I took pictures of them too and of squirrels and birds and such I just want my own computer to manage them or manipulate them.
I was worried what the lack of human contact might do over an indefinate period of time but for some blessed reason I've got a friend calling me on a flawless daily basis (Why she does it I don't know, she says I'm interesting and fun, I don't get it but bless her heart) which is also in part why I haven't been writing on here besides for some vague sense of thought record keeping.
I've been reading a lot of Edgar Allan Poe stories been concentrating on the stories and not the poems. I like reading them outloud and noting down old english words. Ah well the Home Aid is here I need to go help her and such I'll finish this when I can.
Well Evening
Thu Oct 16, 2008, 11:40 AM
So it has been around a week since my last entry. I tended to write rather long ones every 4 or 5 days even in a relatively stable enviorment. I do hope this doesn't turn into a monstrosity in scale. Things have been as they always have been. I'm still in New Jersey, in my aunt's apartment with my grandfather after the hospital bit.
Tensions have risen at points and I have no idea what I'll do eventually about it but as for now I'll keep my Gandhi inspired outlook on things. Thing is you see my aunt is getting to being incredibly irritating. Grandpa upon his arrival from the hospital hasn't spoken a word. I spend my mornings sitting by him watching tv or just talking to him. Talking for the sake of talking because he just stares off into the distance. When it first started I told him he was the best grandpa in the world and that I loved him very much. He simply stared and didn't make a peep that stung me deeply. I simply forced the feelings down since I've always believed crying doesn't really help anything, especially infront of him. Now I just talk to him as I did then, without breaking stride or waiting for reactions. I tell him I care for him and that he's awesome. I tell him about the documentaries I watch on tv when I'm next to him. I miss when we watched them together. I tell him not to listen to my aunt because she's silly and doesn't know what she says. I've gotten used to it, the talking to him just to give him attention. Sometimes I look over and smile to myself because I've been talking for an hour, remarking things now and stating things every once in awhile and holding his hand. I find him sound asleep and I tell him I'd be bored too if I had to listen to myself for that long. I kiss his forehead and go cook for myself or clean the house.
He's hooked up to a feeding tube and the decay of his physical state has really sped to a degree. He only has one working hand and the most expressive thing he can do it grunts and wiggle his eyebrows and I get that out of him rarely. I wash his mouth in the mornings and clean his face. Check his tubes and machines. Play classical music when he seems sleepy and read the captions on the documentaries or watch them with him and talk to him when he's awake. I give him "flushes" of sterile water down his feeding tube to either administer medication or keep him hydrated and I keep an eye out for red skin spots or anything that might turn into an ulcer or be a fungus and put lotion on them. I recieve the home aids and the nurses as well as any other medical supplies that drop by on a daily basis.
I really do miss the feedback when he did talk or actually concentrated on something and I knew this would happen but still. Now taking in consideration all that has been said. My aunt is grinding on my nerves. Firstly because I really wish I could do more for grandpa that press buttons, administer machines and talk to myself well everything said before it. I know he's sick and I know his condition, I've always known it but my mind rebels against accepting my inability to do anything other than routine care. Point is I end up feeling I spend more time tolerating her incompetence, manias and idiocy more than giving grandpa the care and love I wish I could. Secondly because she is simply impossible to coexist with. She's taken for granted that I'm here it would seem. So it's okay to hound me with her manias and perfectionism. I don't she understands she can have someone else living with her, someone that's helping her, and keep her house completely the exact way she wants it. She's obsessed with cleaning and health. That's fine but she takes it to extremes. Of keeping the lid down when you flush to toilet so particles don't get in the air. I cook for myself and eat, the phone rings I go answer the call and she goes batshit crazy yelling about dishes in the sink, a half finished glass of water, a blanket touching the floor after I got up at 6 a.m. to go to the bathroom and get back on the bed which I would've of course pulled back onto the bed over me.
She went insane yesterday it was like a cross between a rabid mongoose and a fidel castro speech. She says I made "too much coffee" now it wasn't that much and it being my coffee and I planned to drink it by myself and she didn't want any it shouldn't have been a problem with a logical considerate person. Because I believe they wouldn't throw a tantrum over it if they understood simple facts. The ammount of coffee put into the coffee machine is completely irrelevant to the ammount of coffee you get. What makes the ammount of coffee fluctuate is the ammount of WATER, now unless she has a monopoly on the bottled water I bought from my own money it shouldn't be an issue. Sadly she's stupid enough to think the ammount of coffee in the container means I emptied half the bag of actual coffee. Ironically I used more water to use less coffee. I greeted her outburst with silence and quiet anger because not knowing something is fine. I know people who are dumb as rocks in logic and factual knowledge and I consider them great people and respect them. However people who are dumb as rocks and think they know everything, act with authority, arrogance and are loud and rude without understanding simple facts or wanting to, like evaporation or how making cofee works for examples, can be really just really patience testing.
I walk in and she not understanding or even thinking about the vapor machine, a machine bigger than your closed fist, works is trying to put it in his mouth to "give" him to vapor treatment. She puts on wound cleansers that need to be rinsed and puts a patch over them and leaves it for days. She's pulled on his feeding tube and made it bleeds. I've walked in on her wrapping his oxygen tube around his neck because she doesn't know it or figures it goes behind his ears.
The great part of it? I'll take shit from her but when grandpa's wellbeing is on the line I go toe to toe with her. The great part is she denies and baulks at what I say being fact and eventually takes 15 minutes of explaining to understand.
"Are you sure it doesn't go in his mouth it didn't bring a mask"
"It actually says I have to rinse it on the package?"
"I didn't see any blood" (Oh that was a big one because I CLEANED it and she was insinuating in her feverish paranoia I was for some reason lying about it)
and of course her wrapping it in every other way possible than the right way while I'm telling her it's just like the glasses rest on your ears. These are to mention a few of the incidents. I think to myself what the hell would be going on if I wasn't here. On her more mundane fits she doesn't understand evaporation so the tiny droplets on the base of the marble sink in the bathroom have to be wiped with a paper towel. Why? because she doesn't like them "staying" there and started raising her voice at me when I started explaining that the evaportation would take 15minutes this is made all the more irritating because she burst into the room while I was putting eyedrops on grandpa to bring up that insane arguement. I think the one that takes the cake though has to be her coming in at 12a.m. into my room while I was sleeping and telling me I should wash my hands a lot and saying how bacteria are all reproducing and after you so you have to wash your hands to fight them. The cake though goes for the following statement. That she has washed her hands in such a habitual dutiful way she can now feel when the first bacteria and particles adhere themselves to her fingertips. I should too wash my hands in such way too to gain that ability. I don't know what answer she was expecting I simply stared as neutrally as I could then she just added I should go to bed and left. How empty does a person's mind need to be for their lives to revolve around things like this is uncomprehensible for me.
She is seriously upset if she finds more than one water bottle in the fridge which I put there to drink. Two are a no no, the fridge is "too full". You open it there are 6 cans of coca cola. She personally doesn't drink water at all so water bottles are apparently unnecesary in her warped world.
Now my reaction to all of this violently dominant obsessive and schtizofrenic behavior has been to go about my buisness when she's at work. I can eat leave the dishes for half an hour in the sink while I answer the phone or attend a machine. I can shower with no complains about wet sinks or that half an hour is too much water. Any wet spots or droplets evaporate. I cook in my own time and I play classical music for grandpa. Which she switchs to incredibly braindead soaps with a lot of large yelling and slapping that upsets grandpa. I tend to the machines and to grandpa and go about my buisness calmly. Then retreat to my room at 5 in the afternoon when she comes home after work and just read or watch national geographic or the history channel until she needs help changing him or it's time to give him his nightly bath.
It seems she's dumb was enough, maybe still is, to assume that because she's not being able to yell at me over slights in her perfect house now that I have time to finish everything and leave it flawless. She has started assuming I don't actually do anything but read and watch tv. This two dimensional thinking has been proven false more than once but it seems to persist. She went off saying she didn't know why I had stopped cooking for myself but that I should because she can't cook everynight. Um a rather short and simple look into the dishwasher would reveal that everyday it's half full with pots, pans, utensils and dishes. She got that and I had to explain that I also used still took daily showers when she asked me a few times, sometimes adding a rude joke, if I had taken a shower because I wore the same shirt all day. Since I'm inside and don't sweat her two dimensional thinking and lack of droplets in the marble sink makes her jump to offensive or agitated remarks. She went as far to tell me there wasn't any blood because I don't care for his wounds, that pissed me off badly and I did let her know how offensive I found that assumption, she merely dismissed it.
Now the cherry on the cake my friends is that her, herself, the one and only. Leaves balls of hair in the tub's drain, leaves food residue and droplets more than occasionally when she's also in a rush, leaves soda cans all over the house and eaten yogurt containers and cans of food with flies in them, explosions of spagetthi salsa for days in the microwave. I simply clean behind the scenes or remark it vaguely and clean it. I'm not about to go off like a 6 year old and start saying "Oh yeah well you leave stuff too nyah nyah". Let's all act like were in kindergarden.
I don't know what goes on in her head. I think she's simply lost touch with the fact that I can go I can't or don't want to be here anymore and leave or she understands I won't leave grandpa and is abusing that fact. I feel like a dad stuck in an extremely shitty marriage not getting divorced for the child figure which would be gradpa. Nobody would shift him daily to prevent sores, nobody would maintain and restart his machines when they stopped or had errors, nobody would medicate him in the mornings and afternoon or recieve the home aids, nurses and medical services. I don't go out during day or night because in addition to all the things I said I do earlier and now. My aunt can't change him or move him by herself. So I'm here 24/7 every hour and everyday.
Now you can't really want someone to be a 24/7 nurse and home aid and not be able to coexist or be considerate to them. She really makes it seem like she doesn't want me here because I upset her "perfect" delicate balance of insanity and delusion. All she does is complain everything she says are negative remarks and that combined with her incompetence and idiocy. She's likes as well as everything else I've mentioned, complain about electricty. Once again a lamp on when I go to the bathroom for 2 minutes you can guess really insignificant things blown out of proportion. If it's mania she needs to get over it because I'm getting really tired of the martyrdom of putting up with her. If it's financial issues she needs to get over it too because I don't believe she stops and thinks that if we want to get into financial aspects which we should be above. Theoretically the hourly salary of a home aid multiplied 24/7 for 3 months pretty much covers anything she wishes to complain about in that aspect. She's incredibly ignorant and acting all around ungrateful and rude based on delusions and obsessions she expects me to meet and she does not meet herself.
In a nutshell I'm not getting the feedback from grandpa that kept me steady at the helm and she's grinding on me nerves badly. This was just one big rant... I wanted to talk about what I'm doing with the garden. Meh I have to go I hope this didn't have too many errors.
So it has been around a week since my last entry. I tended to write rather long ones every 4 or 5 days even in a relatively stable enviorment. I do hope this doesn't turn into a monstrosity in scale. Things have been as they always have been. I'm still in New Jersey, in my aunt's apartment with my grandfather after the hospital bit.
Tensions have risen at points and I have no idea what I'll do eventually about it but as for now I'll keep my Gandhi inspired outlook on things. Thing is you see my aunt is getting to being incredibly irritating. Grandpa upon his arrival from the hospital hasn't spoken a word. I spend my mornings sitting by him watching tv or just talking to him. Talking for the sake of talking because he just stares off into the distance. When it first started I told him he was the best grandpa in the world and that I loved him very much. He simply stared and didn't make a peep that stung me deeply. I simply forced the feelings down since I've always believed crying doesn't really help anything, especially infront of him. Now I just talk to him as I did then, without breaking stride or waiting for reactions. I tell him I care for him and that he's awesome. I tell him about the documentaries I watch on tv when I'm next to him. I miss when we watched them together. I tell him not to listen to my aunt because she's silly and doesn't know what she says. I've gotten used to it, the talking to him just to give him attention. Sometimes I look over and smile to myself because I've been talking for an hour, remarking things now and stating things every once in awhile and holding his hand. I find him sound asleep and I tell him I'd be bored too if I had to listen to myself for that long. I kiss his forehead and go cook for myself or clean the house.
He's hooked up to a feeding tube and the decay of his physical state has really sped to a degree. He only has one working hand and the most expressive thing he can do it grunts and wiggle his eyebrows and I get that out of him rarely. I wash his mouth in the mornings and clean his face. Check his tubes and machines. Play classical music when he seems sleepy and read the captions on the documentaries or watch them with him and talk to him when he's awake. I give him "flushes" of sterile water down his feeding tube to either administer medication or keep him hydrated and I keep an eye out for red skin spots or anything that might turn into an ulcer or be a fungus and put lotion on them. I recieve the home aids and the nurses as well as any other medical supplies that drop by on a daily basis.
I really do miss the feedback when he did talk or actually concentrated on something and I knew this would happen but still. Now taking in consideration all that has been said. My aunt is grinding on my nerves. Firstly because I really wish I could do more for grandpa that press buttons, administer machines and talk to myself well everything said before it. I know he's sick and I know his condition, I've always known it but my mind rebels against accepting my inability to do anything other than routine care. Point is I end up feeling I spend more time tolerating her incompetence, manias and idiocy more than giving grandpa the care and love I wish I could. Secondly because she is simply impossible to coexist with. She's taken for granted that I'm here it would seem. So it's okay to hound me with her manias and perfectionism. I don't she understands she can have someone else living with her, someone that's helping her, and keep her house completely the exact way she wants it. She's obsessed with cleaning and health. That's fine but she takes it to extremes. Of keeping the lid down when you flush to toilet so particles don't get in the air. I cook for myself and eat, the phone rings I go answer the call and she goes batshit crazy yelling about dishes in the sink, a half finished glass of water, a blanket touching the floor after I got up at 6 a.m. to go to the bathroom and get back on the bed which I would've of course pulled back onto the bed over me.
She went insane yesterday it was like a cross between a rabid mongoose and a fidel castro speech. She says I made "too much coffee" now it wasn't that much and it being my coffee and I planned to drink it by myself and she didn't want any it shouldn't have been a problem with a logical considerate person. Because I believe they wouldn't throw a tantrum over it if they understood simple facts. The ammount of coffee put into the coffee machine is completely irrelevant to the ammount of coffee you get. What makes the ammount of coffee fluctuate is the ammount of WATER, now unless she has a monopoly on the bottled water I bought from my own money it shouldn't be an issue. Sadly she's stupid enough to think the ammount of coffee in the container means I emptied half the bag of actual coffee. Ironically I used more water to use less coffee. I greeted her outburst with silence and quiet anger because not knowing something is fine. I know people who are dumb as rocks in logic and factual knowledge and I consider them great people and respect them. However people who are dumb as rocks and think they know everything, act with authority, arrogance and are loud and rude without understanding simple facts or wanting to, like evaporation or how making cofee works for examples, can be really just really patience testing.
I walk in and she not understanding or even thinking about the vapor machine, a machine bigger than your closed fist, works is trying to put it in his mouth to "give" him to vapor treatment. She puts on wound cleansers that need to be rinsed and puts a patch over them and leaves it for days. She's pulled on his feeding tube and made it bleeds. I've walked in on her wrapping his oxygen tube around his neck because she doesn't know it or figures it goes behind his ears.
The great part of it? I'll take shit from her but when grandpa's wellbeing is on the line I go toe to toe with her. The great part is she denies and baulks at what I say being fact and eventually takes 15 minutes of explaining to understand.
"Are you sure it doesn't go in his mouth it didn't bring a mask"
"It actually says I have to rinse it on the package?"
"I didn't see any blood" (Oh that was a big one because I CLEANED it and she was insinuating in her feverish paranoia I was for some reason lying about it)
and of course her wrapping it in every other way possible than the right way while I'm telling her it's just like the glasses rest on your ears. These are to mention a few of the incidents. I think to myself what the hell would be going on if I wasn't here. On her more mundane fits she doesn't understand evaporation so the tiny droplets on the base of the marble sink in the bathroom have to be wiped with a paper towel. Why? because she doesn't like them "staying" there and started raising her voice at me when I started explaining that the evaportation would take 15minutes this is made all the more irritating because she burst into the room while I was putting eyedrops on grandpa to bring up that insane arguement. I think the one that takes the cake though has to be her coming in at 12a.m. into my room while I was sleeping and telling me I should wash my hands a lot and saying how bacteria are all reproducing and after you so you have to wash your hands to fight them. The cake though goes for the following statement. That she has washed her hands in such a habitual dutiful way she can now feel when the first bacteria and particles adhere themselves to her fingertips. I should too wash my hands in such way too to gain that ability. I don't know what answer she was expecting I simply stared as neutrally as I could then she just added I should go to bed and left. How empty does a person's mind need to be for their lives to revolve around things like this is uncomprehensible for me.
She is seriously upset if she finds more than one water bottle in the fridge which I put there to drink. Two are a no no, the fridge is "too full". You open it there are 6 cans of coca cola. She personally doesn't drink water at all so water bottles are apparently unnecesary in her warped world.
Now my reaction to all of this violently dominant obsessive and schtizofrenic behavior has been to go about my buisness when she's at work. I can eat leave the dishes for half an hour in the sink while I answer the phone or attend a machine. I can shower with no complains about wet sinks or that half an hour is too much water. Any wet spots or droplets evaporate. I cook in my own time and I play classical music for grandpa. Which she switchs to incredibly braindead soaps with a lot of large yelling and slapping that upsets grandpa. I tend to the machines and to grandpa and go about my buisness calmly. Then retreat to my room at 5 in the afternoon when she comes home after work and just read or watch national geographic or the history channel until she needs help changing him or it's time to give him his nightly bath.
It seems she's dumb was enough, maybe still is, to assume that because she's not being able to yell at me over slights in her perfect house now that I have time to finish everything and leave it flawless. She has started assuming I don't actually do anything but read and watch tv. This two dimensional thinking has been proven false more than once but it seems to persist. She went off saying she didn't know why I had stopped cooking for myself but that I should because she can't cook everynight. Um a rather short and simple look into the dishwasher would reveal that everyday it's half full with pots, pans, utensils and dishes. She got that and I had to explain that I also used still took daily showers when she asked me a few times, sometimes adding a rude joke, if I had taken a shower because I wore the same shirt all day. Since I'm inside and don't sweat her two dimensional thinking and lack of droplets in the marble sink makes her jump to offensive or agitated remarks. She went as far to tell me there wasn't any blood because I don't care for his wounds, that pissed me off badly and I did let her know how offensive I found that assumption, she merely dismissed it.
Now the cherry on the cake my friends is that her, herself, the one and only. Leaves balls of hair in the tub's drain, leaves food residue and droplets more than occasionally when she's also in a rush, leaves soda cans all over the house and eaten yogurt containers and cans of food with flies in them, explosions of spagetthi salsa for days in the microwave. I simply clean behind the scenes or remark it vaguely and clean it. I'm not about to go off like a 6 year old and start saying "Oh yeah well you leave stuff too nyah nyah". Let's all act like were in kindergarden.
I don't know what goes on in her head. I think she's simply lost touch with the fact that I can go I can't or don't want to be here anymore and leave or she understands I won't leave grandpa and is abusing that fact. I feel like a dad stuck in an extremely shitty marriage not getting divorced for the child figure which would be gradpa. Nobody would shift him daily to prevent sores, nobody would maintain and restart his machines when they stopped or had errors, nobody would medicate him in the mornings and afternoon or recieve the home aids, nurses and medical services. I don't go out during day or night because in addition to all the things I said I do earlier and now. My aunt can't change him or move him by herself. So I'm here 24/7 every hour and everyday.
Now you can't really want someone to be a 24/7 nurse and home aid and not be able to coexist or be considerate to them. She really makes it seem like she doesn't want me here because I upset her "perfect" delicate balance of insanity and delusion. All she does is complain everything she says are negative remarks and that combined with her incompetence and idiocy. She's likes as well as everything else I've mentioned, complain about electricty. Once again a lamp on when I go to the bathroom for 2 minutes you can guess really insignificant things blown out of proportion. If it's mania she needs to get over it because I'm getting really tired of the martyrdom of putting up with her. If it's financial issues she needs to get over it too because I don't believe she stops and thinks that if we want to get into financial aspects which we should be above. Theoretically the hourly salary of a home aid multiplied 24/7 for 3 months pretty much covers anything she wishes to complain about in that aspect. She's incredibly ignorant and acting all around ungrateful and rude based on delusions and obsessions she expects me to meet and she does not meet herself.
In a nutshell I'm not getting the feedback from grandpa that kept me steady at the helm and she's grinding on me nerves badly. This was just one big rant... I wanted to talk about what I'm doing with the garden. Meh I have to go I hope this didn't have too many errors.
Tad Overdue
Sat Oct 4, 2008, 2:56 PM
I got home yesterday after two weeks at the hospital. Plenty of happenings have been afoot with no place to write them. My handwriting is not exactly pretty nor fast enough to keep up with my thoughts so it has been rather irritating.
I wrote a fraction when I bunked here for a night. I needed new clothes and certain items that were missing when I first packed. I might repeat parts if so I apologize.
He was brought in for pnemonia but it was also diagnosed he couldn't swallow which is how it developed in the first place with a little help from my aunt. He was on hospice because it the only thing that was offered and I pushed my aunt into taking it since I'd be here 24/7. However hospice is keeping him comftrable until death and not giving intervention. An oversight on my part to not have asked for other nursing services but still we did know and my grandmother was shcoked back to life 4 times before expiring and we wouldn't have liked that for him. They did though not want to give him oxygen or food when he arrived. That did cause a bit of hostility from my aunt and mom because hospice or not on paper the hospital staff are reluctant to feed him without remarks.
Myself? Under the circumstances at the hospital my opinion didn't mean anything to my family. It's a joke to be told so and I laughed at my mom when she said it did matter. As you know she posseses a belief that there is only one way to look at a situation, one course of action and one set of beliefs and it's hers, you disagree and you are simply utterly wrong and she will make that clear long and loudly so why bother?
Here however I say, I think we are hurting him and he is in pain. He is suffering greatly and he's falling apart slowly as parts of his body fail, and my family presses the doctors into replacing or forcing them to continue working. However he does want to live mainly because he's scared of death but that's a reason and so he wants to live. So I do believe me or anyone else have no right to say it's time for you to die now accept it we refuse to treat you or care for you. I think hospice and the doctors are prompting an "the end justifies the means" cold calculative and overall understandable course of action. It is however not their grandfather or father and I do not have the heart to do what they suggest, I understand their point of view and I wish he'd stop being in agony but I do not entertain the course of action as possible on my part for a moment. I find it horrible they do it on a daily basis as part of their jobs. Same as that judge that gave a 21 year old kid 2 consecutive life sentances and a bunch of other years for additional stuff but that's another story. Point is that's damning another human being without knowing them or taking them into consideration.
Anyhow I read 2 Stephen King short story books. I've always liked Stephen King because he starts with a mundane setting with likeable and understandable everyday characters then warps their lives to hell as it descends into horror and fiction and you get to go along for the ride and watch their sanity be tested and in some instances shattered. I care not for horror movies about simple slashers that exploit the fear of dying at the hands of something you can't defend yourself against like freddy, jason or pinhead. I loved "The Thing", "The Fly" as examples and I tolerate the adapted stuff from Stephen King. So yeah Pyschological thrillers and horror so more of my thing Anyone can come up with some unstoppable creature/demon/psycopath murdering teenagers non-stop.
Back to the hospital hm I met a therapist that kept flirting with me well I think she was she kept demonstrating the massages by touching me and asking me to look how she used her legs to use her weight then smiling at me. We talked awhile she was cute she had that mix of professionalism and beauty, the former was completely missing from all the people that I turned down in highschool, actually I turned down everyone come to think of it and stuck to crushing on older girls. She was rather adamant on telling me to page her when I needed her I toyed with the idea but didn't and left the next day in the morning. There's someone else wandering into my heart now and then i'm not entirely thrilled over it but It's not that I don't like it I'm just worried over what it might mean but I won't tell you about that.
We got a feeding tube for grandpa after a period of mild resistance for the hospital staff. An amusing incident in which mom spoke in broken english then stuttered to a doctor as opposed to telling me what she wanted to say and me translating. The doctor didn't understand and she angrily snapped at me to translate. I simply remarked I can't translate broken unfinished english. I don't know the situation just amused me. I walked around the hospital at two in the morning with a refilled water bottle watering plants and I spoke, when grandpa was asleep, to the other elderly oncology patients in the mornings about coffee and oatmeal and how horrible the pullout sofas were against the hospital beds or when they got discharged.
I watched the Palin/Biden debate. I found it hilarious and plain unbelievable she kept answering completely unrelated facts or statements. Well she did say she wasn't going to debate by the moderator's or anyone's rules. One of the worst points was when Biden choked up speaking of his family tragedy and when her turn comes she just goes off again with maverickism or energy, the two topics she kept going back regardless of the topic or question currently being held, in her cheerful fake cartoony way without skipping a beat. It's like she's playing the character of folksy politician and is so wrapped up in her memorizing of the things she cycles in her minds she clings to them like a life raft and it ends up looking stupid and fake it's better than her improvised terrible answers in earlier interviews. As for example of course the classic, I read all the magazines, all of them which is why I can't name any because I read so many. That made me want to do a mix of stare in disbelief and laugh till I pissed myself. For Biden I liked him he was factual and maybe a bit dull but I like dull and factual than wrong and cheerful. He also kept smiling and that was rather odd to a point but it would've been a lot weirder if he hadn't smiled at all.
Part of Grandpa's spine is completely eaten up by cancer. We stayed four extra days because mom wanted to get him a kryoplasty and they kept saying no because of disease progression. She went off on everything from discrimination to heartless americans for being the cause for the negation. I agreed with the doctors and kept my counsel to myself. I didn't mind being the avatar of her wrath, a bonus side when translating arguements for angry people, to the doctors that got too patronizing or vague because it also bothered me. I do and did understand disease progression this advanced would weaken the bone to the point it wouldn't hold a kyroplasty. I mentioned it vaguely once, was ignored and got nothing but the honor of triggering another paranoid rant of purposeful negligence. She saw the MRI and cried when she saw there was no bone at all. I was sympathetic but a day later asked her if she was naive enough to argue a point without all the facts and if she thought cancer was as simple as opening an incision and scooping it out with a spoon she merely replied she hadn't known well getting on high horses isn't for people that don't know but she'll never change. The kryoplasty's mix would just spread everywhere and could kill him since it would have nowhere to anchor.
He lost the use of his legs completely and they got contracted to his chest. I give him exercise on his hands because he's losing them too. He can't move his left I spent an hour or so moving his right and letting him squeeze mine. The first thing he said to me in days after that was "Help me with the other" and I did but he can't move it by himself then he started trying to move and just managed to rock minutely then looked like he was going to cry, that just tore me up. There was also the time I was holding his hand and he gripped it and pushed it away and said "Let's gooo, let's go" as in take me or get me out of here. I had this dream his limbs were contracting into his torso and he was screaming and I was trying to slowly pull them out whilst crying but they wouldn't move and he kept screaming. He's home now and he's comftrable just sleeping all the time. He's unresponsive my aunt is kind enough to start asking him loudly what's wrong, "WHAT'S WRONG ARE YOU AWAKE" and pulling on his contracted limbs and making him scream in agony because "They shouldn't be that way". My patience is thin and I've gotten her off him with barely restrained remarks on how he needs his rest and getting patience I didn't know I had to explain how it is perfectly natural for him to conftract when parts of his vertebrae are missing. She's left him alone since then and I've just left classical music playing next to him while he sleeps and check up on him every half an hour or so with a kind word, a kiss or a rearrangement of blankets for ultimate comfy-ness.
I drafted some stuff while I was there on pieces of paper I need to put them together and work the rest out I will when I can.
About mom oh yes also argued over the usual crap about me not caring about drinking about using a pink cup and getting angry when she starts acusing with outrageous assumptions and clinging to stereotypes religiously. One I simply don't care about stereotypes or other people. I do like being clean, dressing nicely and such but more for me as my own person than for other people. If there's a pink cup I pick it up without a thought because I don't think my reputation as a male is at stake every second of my life. I do get angry because we've had the same conversation a dozen times and after the first three in which she was sweet enough to apologize and me to state she had a right to worry its gotten plain unbelievably annoying. I got her to shut up by quoting my achievements, relationships, restating my unvarying orientation which won't change just for the fact it won't and reasons. She just won't get over it, it fuels her paranoia. What really got her though was asking her if she'd be happier finding group sex and farm animals with blondes porn under my bed and me torturing little animals for kicks as well as not caring for others including grandpa and her, not cleaning her house and not respecting women. Since all those would be manly attributes she shut her trap then for the 13th time I pierce the veil with a moment of connection and logic. She apologized for assuming and said she was proud of me how I am. Let's see how long that lasts.
What else, ah friends of course. After the hospital trip I got all moody and withdrawn. I realize or overreact over, I can never decide which, that what holds some of my friendships is my ability to overlook and ignore. To not expect anything. They spout how other people how other people don't listen, aren't reliable or don't care. Then go okay thanks I love you and act the same way as the people they complain about torwards me the next day, little hypocritical wouldn't you say? There are occasional excuses but excuses are meaningless past a point then become simply wounding on how shamelessly they're delivered as regularly as a greeting. It saddens me when I ponder the fact I can't finish the phrase "I love them because-" without quoting or clinging to some odd moment months or years ago. I'll get over it, I always do.
I cleaned the front steps and pavement in the morning. Yes there's 4 other apartments with 4-5 people in them and they don't do crap but not doing anything because they don't is just stupid and lazy. I don't find it a plausible reason. I'm not them, hell I'm probably better. I picked up a ton of funny coloured river rocks and quartz and spent a while washing them. Took some pictures of birds and squirrels that the zoom was frustratingly inadequate to take them even standing eight feet from them after waiting completely still, worthy of sniper school. I also cleaned two trash bags of trash from the wooded area again somehow. It just magically appears there then again I was gone for two weeks.
As for myself right now I feel like I dislocated both my shoulders from sleeping in the hospital for two weeks, my body generally hurts really and I'm bone tired but I tell myself I don't have limits until I acknowladge them and I don't because I don't have any.
I got home yesterday after two weeks at the hospital. Plenty of happenings have been afoot with no place to write them. My handwriting is not exactly pretty nor fast enough to keep up with my thoughts so it has been rather irritating.
I wrote a fraction when I bunked here for a night. I needed new clothes and certain items that were missing when I first packed. I might repeat parts if so I apologize.
He was brought in for pnemonia but it was also diagnosed he couldn't swallow which is how it developed in the first place with a little help from my aunt. He was on hospice because it the only thing that was offered and I pushed my aunt into taking it since I'd be here 24/7. However hospice is keeping him comftrable until death and not giving intervention. An oversight on my part to not have asked for other nursing services but still we did know and my grandmother was shcoked back to life 4 times before expiring and we wouldn't have liked that for him. They did though not want to give him oxygen or food when he arrived. That did cause a bit of hostility from my aunt and mom because hospice or not on paper the hospital staff are reluctant to feed him without remarks.
Myself? Under the circumstances at the hospital my opinion didn't mean anything to my family. It's a joke to be told so and I laughed at my mom when she said it did matter. As you know she posseses a belief that there is only one way to look at a situation, one course of action and one set of beliefs and it's hers, you disagree and you are simply utterly wrong and she will make that clear long and loudly so why bother?
Here however I say, I think we are hurting him and he is in pain. He is suffering greatly and he's falling apart slowly as parts of his body fail, and my family presses the doctors into replacing or forcing them to continue working. However he does want to live mainly because he's scared of death but that's a reason and so he wants to live. So I do believe me or anyone else have no right to say it's time for you to die now accept it we refuse to treat you or care for you. I think hospice and the doctors are prompting an "the end justifies the means" cold calculative and overall understandable course of action. It is however not their grandfather or father and I do not have the heart to do what they suggest, I understand their point of view and I wish he'd stop being in agony but I do not entertain the course of action as possible on my part for a moment. I find it horrible they do it on a daily basis as part of their jobs. Same as that judge that gave a 21 year old kid 2 consecutive life sentances and a bunch of other years for additional stuff but that's another story. Point is that's damning another human being without knowing them or taking them into consideration.
Anyhow I read 2 Stephen King short story books. I've always liked Stephen King because he starts with a mundane setting with likeable and understandable everyday characters then warps their lives to hell as it descends into horror and fiction and you get to go along for the ride and watch their sanity be tested and in some instances shattered. I care not for horror movies about simple slashers that exploit the fear of dying at the hands of something you can't defend yourself against like freddy, jason or pinhead. I loved "The Thing", "The Fly" as examples and I tolerate the adapted stuff from Stephen King. So yeah Pyschological thrillers and horror so more of my thing Anyone can come up with some unstoppable creature/demon/psycopath murdering teenagers non-stop.
Back to the hospital hm I met a therapist that kept flirting with me well I think she was she kept demonstrating the massages by touching me and asking me to look how she used her legs to use her weight then smiling at me. We talked awhile she was cute she had that mix of professionalism and beauty, the former was completely missing from all the people that I turned down in highschool, actually I turned down everyone come to think of it and stuck to crushing on older girls. She was rather adamant on telling me to page her when I needed her I toyed with the idea but didn't and left the next day in the morning. There's someone else wandering into my heart now and then i'm not entirely thrilled over it but It's not that I don't like it I'm just worried over what it might mean but I won't tell you about that.
We got a feeding tube for grandpa after a period of mild resistance for the hospital staff. An amusing incident in which mom spoke in broken english then stuttered to a doctor as opposed to telling me what she wanted to say and me translating. The doctor didn't understand and she angrily snapped at me to translate. I simply remarked I can't translate broken unfinished english. I don't know the situation just amused me. I walked around the hospital at two in the morning with a refilled water bottle watering plants and I spoke, when grandpa was asleep, to the other elderly oncology patients in the mornings about coffee and oatmeal and how horrible the pullout sofas were against the hospital beds or when they got discharged.
I watched the Palin/Biden debate. I found it hilarious and plain unbelievable she kept answering completely unrelated facts or statements. Well she did say she wasn't going to debate by the moderator's or anyone's rules. One of the worst points was when Biden choked up speaking of his family tragedy and when her turn comes she just goes off again with maverickism or energy, the two topics she kept going back regardless of the topic or question currently being held, in her cheerful fake cartoony way without skipping a beat. It's like she's playing the character of folksy politician and is so wrapped up in her memorizing of the things she cycles in her minds she clings to them like a life raft and it ends up looking stupid and fake it's better than her improvised terrible answers in earlier interviews. As for example of course the classic, I read all the magazines, all of them which is why I can't name any because I read so many. That made me want to do a mix of stare in disbelief and laugh till I pissed myself. For Biden I liked him he was factual and maybe a bit dull but I like dull and factual than wrong and cheerful. He also kept smiling and that was rather odd to a point but it would've been a lot weirder if he hadn't smiled at all.
Part of Grandpa's spine is completely eaten up by cancer. We stayed four extra days because mom wanted to get him a kryoplasty and they kept saying no because of disease progression. She went off on everything from discrimination to heartless americans for being the cause for the negation. I agreed with the doctors and kept my counsel to myself. I didn't mind being the avatar of her wrath, a bonus side when translating arguements for angry people, to the doctors that got too patronizing or vague because it also bothered me. I do and did understand disease progression this advanced would weaken the bone to the point it wouldn't hold a kyroplasty. I mentioned it vaguely once, was ignored and got nothing but the honor of triggering another paranoid rant of purposeful negligence. She saw the MRI and cried when she saw there was no bone at all. I was sympathetic but a day later asked her if she was naive enough to argue a point without all the facts and if she thought cancer was as simple as opening an incision and scooping it out with a spoon she merely replied she hadn't known well getting on high horses isn't for people that don't know but she'll never change. The kryoplasty's mix would just spread everywhere and could kill him since it would have nowhere to anchor.
He lost the use of his legs completely and they got contracted to his chest. I give him exercise on his hands because he's losing them too. He can't move his left I spent an hour or so moving his right and letting him squeeze mine. The first thing he said to me in days after that was "Help me with the other" and I did but he can't move it by himself then he started trying to move and just managed to rock minutely then looked like he was going to cry, that just tore me up. There was also the time I was holding his hand and he gripped it and pushed it away and said "Let's gooo, let's go" as in take me or get me out of here. I had this dream his limbs were contracting into his torso and he was screaming and I was trying to slowly pull them out whilst crying but they wouldn't move and he kept screaming. He's home now and he's comftrable just sleeping all the time. He's unresponsive my aunt is kind enough to start asking him loudly what's wrong, "WHAT'S WRONG ARE YOU AWAKE" and pulling on his contracted limbs and making him scream in agony because "They shouldn't be that way". My patience is thin and I've gotten her off him with barely restrained remarks on how he needs his rest and getting patience I didn't know I had to explain how it is perfectly natural for him to conftract when parts of his vertebrae are missing. She's left him alone since then and I've just left classical music playing next to him while he sleeps and check up on him every half an hour or so with a kind word, a kiss or a rearrangement of blankets for ultimate comfy-ness.
I drafted some stuff while I was there on pieces of paper I need to put them together and work the rest out I will when I can.
About mom oh yes also argued over the usual crap about me not caring about drinking about using a pink cup and getting angry when she starts acusing with outrageous assumptions and clinging to stereotypes religiously. One I simply don't care about stereotypes or other people. I do like being clean, dressing nicely and such but more for me as my own person than for other people. If there's a pink cup I pick it up without a thought because I don't think my reputation as a male is at stake every second of my life. I do get angry because we've had the same conversation a dozen times and after the first three in which she was sweet enough to apologize and me to state she had a right to worry its gotten plain unbelievably annoying. I got her to shut up by quoting my achievements, relationships, restating my unvarying orientation which won't change just for the fact it won't and reasons. She just won't get over it, it fuels her paranoia. What really got her though was asking her if she'd be happier finding group sex and farm animals with blondes porn under my bed and me torturing little animals for kicks as well as not caring for others including grandpa and her, not cleaning her house and not respecting women. Since all those would be manly attributes she shut her trap then for the 13th time I pierce the veil with a moment of connection and logic. She apologized for assuming and said she was proud of me how I am. Let's see how long that lasts.
What else, ah friends of course. After the hospital trip I got all moody and withdrawn. I realize or overreact over, I can never decide which, that what holds some of my friendships is my ability to overlook and ignore. To not expect anything. They spout how other people how other people don't listen, aren't reliable or don't care. Then go okay thanks I love you and act the same way as the people they complain about torwards me the next day, little hypocritical wouldn't you say? There are occasional excuses but excuses are meaningless past a point then become simply wounding on how shamelessly they're delivered as regularly as a greeting. It saddens me when I ponder the fact I can't finish the phrase "I love them because-" without quoting or clinging to some odd moment months or years ago. I'll get over it, I always do.
I cleaned the front steps and pavement in the morning. Yes there's 4 other apartments with 4-5 people in them and they don't do crap but not doing anything because they don't is just stupid and lazy. I don't find it a plausible reason. I'm not them, hell I'm probably better. I picked up a ton of funny coloured river rocks and quartz and spent a while washing them. Took some pictures of birds and squirrels that the zoom was frustratingly inadequate to take them even standing eight feet from them after waiting completely still, worthy of sniper school. I also cleaned two trash bags of trash from the wooded area again somehow. It just magically appears there then again I was gone for two weeks.
As for myself right now I feel like I dislocated both my shoulders from sleeping in the hospital for two weeks, my body generally hurts really and I'm bone tired but I tell myself I don't have limits until I acknowladge them and I don't because I don't have any.
Devious Journal Entry
Sun Sep 28, 2008, 8:41 AM
Well it is rather late but I've been sleeping in a hospital sofa contraption that pulls out into an uncomftrable yet somewhat tolerable mockery of a bed. That I've been sleeping in jeans when trying to catch that thing, that as of late has been elusive and the dark rings under my eyes can attest to that once more, called sleep does not help nor does the rough polo shirt and the 2 hour bright light flicking invading nurses. Shifts come and shifts go yet I am constant like some sort of constant element to the whole situation.
The cancer in my grandfather's brain ate his motor skills not his thinking skills. However as a consequence he cannot talk outside of difficult to decipher mumbles as well as being barely move his limbs. I can't really leave him there without being able to fend for himself so there I've stayed for the last 7 days or so I believe I left last Friday. I do, as I'm sure as I've mentioned before, have no concept of time in the current state of my life, dates are simply meaningless.
That's fine I'm in no hurry to go anywhere or do anything else I'm where I want and need to be. These things don't happen twice in your life, college isn't going to suffer cancer and pass away. My grandfather is and as I believe I've stated in previous entries I have been taking utmost care of him to my abilities and he apreciates it yet part of me, most of me, wishes I simply wish I could do more.
On the hospital stay? They moved us up I said so before. The room was something akin to a hotel room it had a fridge and a closet. It was pleasant enough I never ordered a tv, grandpa never watches them anymore and I have no great love for it either. I finished reading my long forgotten nightmares and dreamscapes book by stephen king then got halfway into the prosecution of george bush for murder by Vincent Bugliosi which is amusingly if not slightly annoying (This book was a huge best seller) so far what I've written in those ancient past entries merely rephrased so I basically could've written the first 2 chapters. It does however have fun insights as when we invaded Iraq Hussein wasn't dreaming of mass destruction quite the contrary he was writing some crappy pulp fiction about an arab prince saving the middle eastern world, last drafted pages of said book are dated invasion day. Only in chapter two so I'm sure it'll enlighten me on things I don't know. I feel kinship with the author when he said something along the lines of I'm not the brightest or most important of persons, I just looked at it with logic.
I get along great with the hospital staff up there for the most part. I'm polite and I help the nurses as long as they're polite themselves and they are so everything's great there. My favorite nurse has to be this middle aged asian lady that speaks saying things like "I take your vital signs now yes?" she's extremely sweet and I call her my favorite nurse, anything she apologizes for I tell her it's fine because she's my favorite nurse. I like making her happy the head nurses and mean to her. There was also a Nigerian nurse who was flirting with me (I think) if being extremely nice and talkative is, people tell me it is. She had scar patterns on her arms they piqued my interest but I never got to ask about them. When I came here I assumed anything with dark skin and an accent that wasn't gangsta talk was jamaican. Metting Three, Four with her, African nurses helped me realize and be able to tell the diffrence.
The doctors have an odd thing for me. I guess after walking into all the othe rrooms and finding grown men and women or elderly as patients or companions finding an 18 year old sleeping in an uncomftrable sofa-thing looking like a tornado survivor all messy hair, rumpled clothes and unshaved shin and hearing the cheerful statmenet I've been there for 6 days shocks them more so when I tell them I'm putting college on standby. I guess they all charged off into college and heard of their family members passing away as phone calls or letters just an assumption though. I also found the ones in the white robes were much friendly and caring than the ones in the buisness suits. They compliment me until it's awkward, I simply end up cutting them off or looking pointedly at grandpa. I'm not comftrable with compliments I can smile them away as polite chatter but when they persist they make me uncomftrable. Were talking of about 7 different doctors not including nurses. I'm scared they'll bake me a cake or something one day.
There's a nice cafeteria where I was spoiled enough to not want to cook anymore since the food is healthy and cheap and agrees with my tummy.
Mom came over a few days ago. Were bickering and caring for each other as always. She puts her coffee in the cafeteria, I sneeringly tell her it'll explode and she calls me mean. It does explode, I clean it up complaining "I told you so" she proclaims one must do such things it's like an adventure. I sarcastically remark how cleaning her coffee explosions ain't my idea of an adventure and we laugh and sit down to eat. This is an example of our more nice and pleasant moments we still fight seriously and constantly. It seems we are not meant to coexist in peace, she's dominating, loud and blindly confident and I simply don't care what others do if I want something done I do it myself, I don't talk if I don't have anything to say and I'm confident in myself not in others and still hold to caution in all things. One thing that drove me up the wall was her talking in sure and stern absolutes which I usually dismiss as irritating got to be seriously angering since the hospital and the state of events isn't a place to be proclaiming everything will work out and be fine simply because of she wills it and says so and leaving it there. We argued and I in a calm voice though no doubt tinged with bitterness got her to understand this isn't a time for certain predictions and she needs to either make sure herself or have alternate plans. She got it eventually and I was relieved to see a change in her demeanour torwards the situation.
Of grandpa himself he can do little but lay on the bed. The cancer in his brain ate his motor skills up like candy, he can't move and his words come out as mumbles. I would've stayed anyway but this is another reason for my 24/7 stay at the hospital is that he can't fend for himself both verbally and physically so I feel extremely protective of him. He will discharged on Sunday or Monday with a feeding tube and an oxygen tank.
Once again I am interrupted needlessly, I must make breakfast for others. Amusingly enough I woke up earlier to write... so much for that.
Well it is rather late but I've been sleeping in a hospital sofa contraption that pulls out into an uncomftrable yet somewhat tolerable mockery of a bed. That I've been sleeping in jeans when trying to catch that thing, that as of late has been elusive and the dark rings under my eyes can attest to that once more, called sleep does not help nor does the rough polo shirt and the 2 hour bright light flicking invading nurses. Shifts come and shifts go yet I am constant like some sort of constant element to the whole situation.
The cancer in my grandfather's brain ate his motor skills not his thinking skills. However as a consequence he cannot talk outside of difficult to decipher mumbles as well as being barely move his limbs. I can't really leave him there without being able to fend for himself so there I've stayed for the last 7 days or so I believe I left last Friday. I do, as I'm sure as I've mentioned before, have no concept of time in the current state of my life, dates are simply meaningless.
That's fine I'm in no hurry to go anywhere or do anything else I'm where I want and need to be. These things don't happen twice in your life, college isn't going to suffer cancer and pass away. My grandfather is and as I believe I've stated in previous entries I have been taking utmost care of him to my abilities and he apreciates it yet part of me, most of me, wishes I simply wish I could do more.
On the hospital stay? They moved us up I said so before. The room was something akin to a hotel room it had a fridge and a closet. It was pleasant enough I never ordered a tv, grandpa never watches them anymore and I have no great love for it either. I finished reading my long forgotten nightmares and dreamscapes book by stephen king then got halfway into the prosecution of george bush for murder by Vincent Bugliosi which is amusingly if not slightly annoying (This book was a huge best seller) so far what I've written in those ancient past entries merely rephrased so I basically could've written the first 2 chapters. It does however have fun insights as when we invaded Iraq Hussein wasn't dreaming of mass destruction quite the contrary he was writing some crappy pulp fiction about an arab prince saving the middle eastern world, last drafted pages of said book are dated invasion day. Only in chapter two so I'm sure it'll enlighten me on things I don't know. I feel kinship with the author when he said something along the lines of I'm not the brightest or most important of persons, I just looked at it with logic.
I get along great with the hospital staff up there for the most part. I'm polite and I help the nurses as long as they're polite themselves and they are so everything's great there. My favorite nurse has to be this middle aged asian lady that speaks saying things like "I take your vital signs now yes?" she's extremely sweet and I call her my favorite nurse, anything she apologizes for I tell her it's fine because she's my favorite nurse. I like making her happy the head nurses and mean to her. There was also a Nigerian nurse who was flirting with me (I think) if being extremely nice and talkative is, people tell me it is. She had scar patterns on her arms they piqued my interest but I never got to ask about them. When I came here I assumed anything with dark skin and an accent that wasn't gangsta talk was jamaican. Metting Three, Four with her, African nurses helped me realize and be able to tell the diffrence.
The doctors have an odd thing for me. I guess after walking into all the othe rrooms and finding grown men and women or elderly as patients or companions finding an 18 year old sleeping in an uncomftrable sofa-thing looking like a tornado survivor all messy hair, rumpled clothes and unshaved shin and hearing the cheerful statmenet I've been there for 6 days shocks them more so when I tell them I'm putting college on standby. I guess they all charged off into college and heard of their family members passing away as phone calls or letters just an assumption though. I also found the ones in the white robes were much friendly and caring than the ones in the buisness suits. They compliment me until it's awkward, I simply end up cutting them off or looking pointedly at grandpa. I'm not comftrable with compliments I can smile them away as polite chatter but when they persist they make me uncomftrable. Were talking of about 7 different doctors not including nurses. I'm scared they'll bake me a cake or something one day.
There's a nice cafeteria where I was spoiled enough to not want to cook anymore since the food is healthy and cheap and agrees with my tummy.
Mom came over a few days ago. Were bickering and caring for each other as always. She puts her coffee in the cafeteria, I sneeringly tell her it'll explode and she calls me mean. It does explode, I clean it up complaining "I told you so" she proclaims one must do such things it's like an adventure. I sarcastically remark how cleaning her coffee explosions ain't my idea of an adventure and we laugh and sit down to eat. This is an example of our more nice and pleasant moments we still fight seriously and constantly. It seems we are not meant to coexist in peace, she's dominating, loud and blindly confident and I simply don't care what others do if I want something done I do it myself, I don't talk if I don't have anything to say and I'm confident in myself not in others and still hold to caution in all things. One thing that drove me up the wall was her talking in sure and stern absolutes which I usually dismiss as irritating got to be seriously angering since the hospital and the state of events isn't a place to be proclaiming everything will work out and be fine simply because of she wills it and says so and leaving it there. We argued and I in a calm voice though no doubt tinged with bitterness got her to understand this isn't a time for certain predictions and she needs to either make sure herself or have alternate plans. She got it eventually and I was relieved to see a change in her demeanour torwards the situation.
Of grandpa himself he can do little but lay on the bed. The cancer in his brain ate his motor skills up like candy, he can't move and his words come out as mumbles. I would've stayed anyway but this is another reason for my 24/7 stay at the hospital is that he can't fend for himself both verbally and physically so I feel extremely protective of him. He will discharged on Sunday or Monday with a feeding tube and an oxygen tank.
Once again I am interrupted needlessly, I must make breakfast for others. Amusingly enough I woke up earlier to write... so much for that.
And it continues
Fri Sep 19, 2008, 12:00 PM
Well ladies and gents where to begin?
Grandpa got worse which is why I disappeared for awhile, not that it was noticed but that's quite alright I'll get to why I say that later, much later.
Over almost a whole week he developed a cold. For the span of the last 2 days of that week the cold turned into a cough and was extremely bad. During this he was mainly unresponsive in which nights I did not sleep. The hospice care denied us antibiotics because he didn't have a fever, I came to the point of arguing with the hospice nurse over it but dropped it and waited a day. Yesterday morning his breathing was quicker and shallower and he did have a high fever.
Before we go into the hospital trip let's note there are some factors to be considered. When he started developing the cough, as you know he is bedridden, he was overmedicated by hospice. Two narcotics one of them four times a day, one muscle relaxant, another relaxant for anxiety and the cough medicine that caused drowsiness. Once he started coughing I sat my aunt down and told him she was overmedicating him, we had the conversation before but she claimed he'd be in suffering and pain otherwise which is in part true but he won't from talking to me about napkin people and hugging me to sleeping all day. However he was in pain so I decided to talk it over with a hospice nurse or a doctor at the next oportunity. Once he started trying to cough up heavy phelghm but being unable to from being weak and bedridden and as a result choking on it. I sat my aunt down and clearly explain how serious is the very real possibility fluid can go to the lungs. I felt slightly bad because she had a guilt/panic attack because she had already doped him up and choked him with food before I woke.
Skipping to the hospital in where she was still beating herself up over it I remarked the fact that. He had dropped a lot of weight being bed ridden and no one had taken his new weight, his medications continued to come in prescripted for a weight he didn't have. This is well was a very serious problem. I should have noticed this I vaccined dozens if not close to a hundred dogs back when I worked in the dog shelter acoording to weight so she can also blame me not to mention the doctor and especially the hospice nurse who not also ignored that fact but rigidly denied us antiobiotics. Upon hearing this my aunt calmed down somewhat. I haven't written in awhile so you might be wondering why am I being so nice to her?
Yes I was always polite even if strained at times and always at her service. However as grandpa got worse and after an incident in which I sat her down and told her she was being offensive and that I tolerated it for my grandfather and also because even if she might not know I do care for her and appreciate what she's doing and know for a fact she doesn't say the offensive things she used to say with bad intentions. Yet it did offend me and upset me but no I do not or did hate her. She's been charmed with me since then, she now politely explains she knows it's a bit obsessive and silly but she'd appreciate if I didn't do the little details that bother her and I am more than happy to comply to such nice request. She has also started telling me about her childhood and problems. It is obvious she has reasons for being as troubled as she is. So there you have it we've actually bonded and I do care for her overall.
Back to that morning, the paramedics showed up. Put an oxygen mask on him and started demanding the RCD papers which are resucitate or do not which we didn't have. I had just woken up and was looking for them gargling mouthwash. They told us to just fill them again at the hospital and without further ado besides cargo pants, shoes, a polo shirt, a cell phone and a jacket I was at a brisk pace next to the stretcher torwards the ambulance. I've done the same trip twice before, if I hadn't been so worried at that moment the fact that traffic rules ceased to exist and we were basically speeding might've been amusing or exciting but I was monitoring what info and such the paramedic in the back was giving to the hospital. We got there they pulled him down and we checked in. They were setting him into his room and the bald, tall and slightly overweight paramedic came over and asked me to wait outside of the room. I was standing just on the doorway so I took the most miniscule of steps back and stood there watching them still. This pissed him off but I do not care.
They left, the green eyed girl who was the tall fat guy's partner did stop to say goodbye and I thanked her maybe a tad briskly but I smiled a sad smile but still to let her know it was sincere.
Nurses came over they stuck him with neddles asked for info. Same deal as always I give it to the best of my abilities but I do not have his complete personal info or medical history in my head. They found him by social security number and last name. I told them to cross-check with my aunt on what I had given earlier regardless just in case.
So the waiting in the E.R. started. I talked to him and reassured him even if he couldn't hear me and pulled up a chair next to him. My aunt dropped by after awhile since traffic laws did apply to her. She got me coffee but with no cream or sugar it was cheap as hell too. I've never tasted sewer water but sewer water can't be a far cry from that coffee I drank. I needed it I hadn't really slept for two days. Me and my aunt talked about movies, books which surprised me though it wasn't classic literature but still, nostradamus, aztecs and egyptians and aliens and ghosts and alien ghosts and ghost aliens. She loved it since most of my family just call her crazy and shun her because they're strictly religious so she was like someone gives the the benefit of doubt and grants me an "it's possible"! not to mention I know my share of ghost stories and unexplained facts of history, myths and legends.
They brought a guy in who had swollen 6 bags of cocaine. My aunt went back to the apartment quick and a nurse came in to put a caterer in. I argued with the little wench because she just wanted to ram it in no questions asked and grandpa's used to condom caterers. She goes well what's the easiest way to get rid of pee. I simply glared at her patronizing little medical quiz for idiots. My aunt gave the go via phonecall though and I bitterly acceded. She asked me to step outside and I did after remarking it's not exactly something I've never seen before and let the door close because of the nature of the procedure.
I do get well with the medical staff thogh the nurse of the next shift was an asian guy who kept calling me "dude" and did after some half hearted "you don't have to"s help him with everything. We say grandpa's doctor, two hospital doctors, a guy grandpa's doctor sent and two resident physicians. I can do the story and development of why we brought him in my sleep it got old fast and they just kept us in the E.R. soo I messed with the first resident physician doing his practice by not letting him leave the room. I would simply walk where he'd walk and interpose myself between him and the door so he kept talking and trying to leave he ended up going tippy toe to squeeze past me and leave. Another came over and I just went for a walk though I was too tired to say the story again to another student after so many doctors and being kept in the ER. I clashed with a lady doctor that started pushing us into a stiff "yes/no" answer for the life support in case anything happenend. There is disease progression and there is pnemonia and he's got the latter combined of course with the first. We want him to get past it if it's a pnemonia we do understand there's also disease progression to be taken into account and the complications it brings but we brought him here for pnemonia so yes we want everything possible done now. Blah blah disease progression just no he's not going because we let a cough get bad. There's a clear difference between that and the natural course of the disease.
Well we got to the E.R. at 7a.m. we got moved to a hospital room at 11p.m. so yeah it was a long stressful day. I spent most of it pacing slowly or trying to relax my muscles then noticing they were extremely tensed up again 5minutes later. Talking with my aunt and talking to my grandpa who might not be able to hear me and a moment where some friends who were kind enough to call and cheer me up somewhat with their serious support and awesome craziness. My choice of clothing turned out to be the wrong one after I decided to spend the night. Cargo pants with a ton of zippers and pockets and a poloshirt to sleep on a reclinable sofa nooo the nurses waked me 6 times during the night so I have not slept a great deal then again I kept waking and checking on grandpa anyway. I ate KFC which is cyanide for my stomach and threw up sometime in the a.m. and the vomit also had blood which made me laugh of it all to keep from crying. I've been in the E.R. all day, I haven't slept, grandpa's really sick, I'm stressed and worried out of my mind and now I puked blood I mean come on My aunt picked me up today in the afternoon I really didn't want to go but I got back and actually brushed my teeth, shaved, took a shower, made a backpack with essentials and sat down to write this and wait for tonight for hopefully I'll spend the night over there tonight again.
To the nature of these entries. Between the philosophical rants and the personal dramas it's gotten too well... personal so sometime in the future, probably not soon sadly since I have no computer of my own, I'll be shoving all these entries into an USB and deleting them on here but for now I need somewhere to write that'll be relatively safe.
Well ladies and gents where to begin?
Grandpa got worse which is why I disappeared for awhile, not that it was noticed but that's quite alright I'll get to why I say that later, much later.
Over almost a whole week he developed a cold. For the span of the last 2 days of that week the cold turned into a cough and was extremely bad. During this he was mainly unresponsive in which nights I did not sleep. The hospice care denied us antibiotics because he didn't have a fever, I came to the point of arguing with the hospice nurse over it but dropped it and waited a day. Yesterday morning his breathing was quicker and shallower and he did have a high fever.
Before we go into the hospital trip let's note there are some factors to be considered. When he started developing the cough, as you know he is bedridden, he was overmedicated by hospice. Two narcotics one of them four times a day, one muscle relaxant, another relaxant for anxiety and the cough medicine that caused drowsiness. Once he started coughing I sat my aunt down and told him she was overmedicating him, we had the conversation before but she claimed he'd be in suffering and pain otherwise which is in part true but he won't from talking to me about napkin people and hugging me to sleeping all day. However he was in pain so I decided to talk it over with a hospice nurse or a doctor at the next oportunity. Once he started trying to cough up heavy phelghm but being unable to from being weak and bedridden and as a result choking on it. I sat my aunt down and clearly explain how serious is the very real possibility fluid can go to the lungs. I felt slightly bad because she had a guilt/panic attack because she had already doped him up and choked him with food before I woke.
Skipping to the hospital in where she was still beating herself up over it I remarked the fact that. He had dropped a lot of weight being bed ridden and no one had taken his new weight, his medications continued to come in prescripted for a weight he didn't have. This is well was a very serious problem. I should have noticed this I vaccined dozens if not close to a hundred dogs back when I worked in the dog shelter acoording to weight so she can also blame me not to mention the doctor and especially the hospice nurse who not also ignored that fact but rigidly denied us antiobiotics. Upon hearing this my aunt calmed down somewhat. I haven't written in awhile so you might be wondering why am I being so nice to her?
Yes I was always polite even if strained at times and always at her service. However as grandpa got worse and after an incident in which I sat her down and told her she was being offensive and that I tolerated it for my grandfather and also because even if she might not know I do care for her and appreciate what she's doing and know for a fact she doesn't say the offensive things she used to say with bad intentions. Yet it did offend me and upset me but no I do not or did hate her. She's been charmed with me since then, she now politely explains she knows it's a bit obsessive and silly but she'd appreciate if I didn't do the little details that bother her and I am more than happy to comply to such nice request. She has also started telling me about her childhood and problems. It is obvious she has reasons for being as troubled as she is. So there you have it we've actually bonded and I do care for her overall.
Back to that morning, the paramedics showed up. Put an oxygen mask on him and started demanding the RCD papers which are resucitate or do not which we didn't have. I had just woken up and was looking for them gargling mouthwash. They told us to just fill them again at the hospital and without further ado besides cargo pants, shoes, a polo shirt, a cell phone and a jacket I was at a brisk pace next to the stretcher torwards the ambulance. I've done the same trip twice before, if I hadn't been so worried at that moment the fact that traffic rules ceased to exist and we were basically speeding might've been amusing or exciting but I was monitoring what info and such the paramedic in the back was giving to the hospital. We got there they pulled him down and we checked in. They were setting him into his room and the bald, tall and slightly overweight paramedic came over and asked me to wait outside of the room. I was standing just on the doorway so I took the most miniscule of steps back and stood there watching them still. This pissed him off but I do not care.
They left, the green eyed girl who was the tall fat guy's partner did stop to say goodbye and I thanked her maybe a tad briskly but I smiled a sad smile but still to let her know it was sincere.
Nurses came over they stuck him with neddles asked for info. Same deal as always I give it to the best of my abilities but I do not have his complete personal info or medical history in my head. They found him by social security number and last name. I told them to cross-check with my aunt on what I had given earlier regardless just in case.
So the waiting in the E.R. started. I talked to him and reassured him even if he couldn't hear me and pulled up a chair next to him. My aunt dropped by after awhile since traffic laws did apply to her. She got me coffee but with no cream or sugar it was cheap as hell too. I've never tasted sewer water but sewer water can't be a far cry from that coffee I drank. I needed it I hadn't really slept for two days. Me and my aunt talked about movies, books which surprised me though it wasn't classic literature but still, nostradamus, aztecs and egyptians and aliens and ghosts and alien ghosts and ghost aliens. She loved it since most of my family just call her crazy and shun her because they're strictly religious so she was like someone gives the the benefit of doubt and grants me an "it's possible"! not to mention I know my share of ghost stories and unexplained facts of history, myths and legends.
They brought a guy in who had swollen 6 bags of cocaine. My aunt went back to the apartment quick and a nurse came in to put a caterer in. I argued with the little wench because she just wanted to ram it in no questions asked and grandpa's used to condom caterers. She goes well what's the easiest way to get rid of pee. I simply glared at her patronizing little medical quiz for idiots. My aunt gave the go via phonecall though and I bitterly acceded. She asked me to step outside and I did after remarking it's not exactly something I've never seen before and let the door close because of the nature of the procedure.
I do get well with the medical staff thogh the nurse of the next shift was an asian guy who kept calling me "dude" and did after some half hearted "you don't have to"s help him with everything. We say grandpa's doctor, two hospital doctors, a guy grandpa's doctor sent and two resident physicians. I can do the story and development of why we brought him in my sleep it got old fast and they just kept us in the E.R. soo I messed with the first resident physician doing his practice by not letting him leave the room. I would simply walk where he'd walk and interpose myself between him and the door so he kept talking and trying to leave he ended up going tippy toe to squeeze past me and leave. Another came over and I just went for a walk though I was too tired to say the story again to another student after so many doctors and being kept in the ER. I clashed with a lady doctor that started pushing us into a stiff "yes/no" answer for the life support in case anything happenend. There is disease progression and there is pnemonia and he's got the latter combined of course with the first. We want him to get past it if it's a pnemonia we do understand there's also disease progression to be taken into account and the complications it brings but we brought him here for pnemonia so yes we want everything possible done now. Blah blah disease progression just no he's not going because we let a cough get bad. There's a clear difference between that and the natural course of the disease.
Well we got to the E.R. at 7a.m. we got moved to a hospital room at 11p.m. so yeah it was a long stressful day. I spent most of it pacing slowly or trying to relax my muscles then noticing they were extremely tensed up again 5minutes later. Talking with my aunt and talking to my grandpa who might not be able to hear me and a moment where some friends who were kind enough to call and cheer me up somewhat with their serious support and awesome craziness. My choice of clothing turned out to be the wrong one after I decided to spend the night. Cargo pants with a ton of zippers and pockets and a poloshirt to sleep on a reclinable sofa nooo the nurses waked me 6 times during the night so I have not slept a great deal then again I kept waking and checking on grandpa anyway. I ate KFC which is cyanide for my stomach and threw up sometime in the a.m. and the vomit also had blood which made me laugh of it all to keep from crying. I've been in the E.R. all day, I haven't slept, grandpa's really sick, I'm stressed and worried out of my mind and now I puked blood I mean come on
My aunt picked me up today in the afternoon I really didn't want to go but I got back and actually brushed my teeth, shaved, took a shower, made a backpack with essentials and sat down to write this and wait for tonight for hopefully I'll spend the night over there tonight again.To the nature of these entries. Between the philosophical rants and the personal dramas it's gotten too well... personal so sometime in the future, probably not soon sadly since I have no computer of my own, I'll be shoving all these entries into an USB and deleting them on here but for now I need somewhere to write that'll be relatively safe.
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