I met a man with throat cancer today. He couldn't talk or see well, though the seeing didn't have to do with the cancer he's just half blind. They wanted me to meet him. They woke him which I found rude and he just got agitated because he saw an unfamiliar half shadow so they told me to wait outside.
Where I had to spout polite senseless things for the next half hour with some lady with a double shin that wouldn't stop talking. Ironically like most people she loves me and finds me a wonderful young man *sigh* I like helping people when they need it but they bore me terribly in mudane times. I guess empathy and antisocial behavior don't mix well. I did get up as often as I could to get anything into the room or help. Cancer's no way to die. Why is it everywhere anyway? My grandpa has it, that old man i went to see has it too I mean hell even my dog has it. Everyone knows a relative with cancer.
I was talking to the man's son, my uncle, he has no idea how medical plans work or social aid. His father won't survive the trip to the U.S. for treatment he can't get up from his bed and is choking on the tumor itself. The veteran's hospital here is understaffed and badly supplied so he just keeps saying they'll move him to the U.S. yet he has none of the paperwork and once again the man can't move from his bed. You can't run if you don't walk first but he can't register that. I'll be going there tomorrow again to help hopefully not become a fountain of explenations and politeness.
Mom kept pushing me for taking dancing classes. I merely told her to take me to see grandpa, take me scuba diving or hiking. She's like but men need to learn to dance. I'm like yes I know but I just told you three things that would make me happy and I think your time and money would be better spent on. She of course kept insisting. I merely offered "Let's say we do the three things first and if they happen and meaning no of fence to you they quite possibly *won't*. I'll learn to dance every way possible hell I'll dance on my bloody hands." A long silence followed that.
Ugh then we get home and she's acting like her words bend the laws of reality. She's on the computer and she goes: "Get me my cell phone it's on the table" I'm on my room reading but of course *I* have to constantly get up to find everything she wishes. I go over and look. it's not there so I tell her "No it's not here" and of course since her Will dictates reality she goes "Look for it! It's there". This of course goes back and forth for about 5-6 minutes until she manages to get up and come over and say "Oh it's not there well look around for it" and sits back down. More often it's nowhere near where she says it is or she has it which as you may imagine it's frustrating and pointless for me. The same way she gives you multiple choices and narrows them down to the one she wants by complaining on and denying all the others.
Anyhow my dog has a tumor. I've written before about it before. I truly believe he should be put down. Mom barely looks or cares about him. I feed them everyday I say the dog needs to die. She just says "Well go ask him if he wants to die". Well he has a massive infection on the tumor, I haven't seen him wag his tail in months, he's tearing bits of it off with his teeth and he smells like rotting meat. I went outside and took pictures which she refused to look at for more than two seconds which made me unexpectedly *really* angry but she agreed to put him down. I'll start digging sometime next week. I'm really going to miss him. I've personally seen enough people and animals die slowly. I really don't want to die a lingering death in a sick bed. I'm not scared of death itself. I see it natural and constant and acceptable. Denying it would be trying to cover the sun with your hand so yes I face the fact and accept it I know that might be a tad morbid. If anything about it that scares me is failure in it or wasting away in a sick bed while others tend to me. I find denial to be a very pathetic thing to latch on which is probably why her not wanting to see the pictures bothered me so much. I'm unflinching and cold when it comes to these things. That dog's her responsibility too and she has the say on what happens with him ultimately. I told her to get it done in a week and I'll help with anything and dig the grave or I'll do it with a rock. Not true I love the poor devil.
I wish I could hug him but I can't because I'd stain my clothes with pus. I know he's suffering I can feel it
Even more when I meet his gaze.I took pictures of him because I want to remember him. I'll put one up and maybe one of the disease itself but I think that one will need a filter on it.
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