Back of my Mind (Not current, Draft)

--Unknown time and date--

There are some people you just never forget. Sometimes because they're too wonderful to forget and they materialize themselves in your day dreams. Sometimes they stalk your nightmares as fading horrors or guilt that cling to your psyche and haunt you in the dark hours of the night. These fade though, if you let go of them.

Then there are the good wonderful memories which stay with you and you welcome them. Then maybe they're placed in some recess of your mind that phases in and out but they're always there. Even if they are bittersweet because you can't be with that person anymore. They're always in the back of your mind.

They remind you of what you had and what you can have. They are bittersweet indeed. I think they're the best kind of memories if you act on them.

Bitter (not current)

--Unknown date and time--

I'm surrounded by blatant idiocy and stolid apathy. It smothers me worse than any murderer in the night.

Why do they call it common sense? It's not that common

Life Prose (Not Current)

--Unknown time and date --

As we wander through life we define ourselves.. we refine ourselves...

We laugh on the outside, we die on the inside.... It's all an art, it's all a gamble, a drama, a comedy, a tragedy!

It's up to us to make the best of it, is it not?

To wander through life for me is to define our purpose, our passion, our love, our faith and our relationships...

Of course people can always hoard worldly possessions and use others for momentary satisfaction... as it seems to be quite popular these days... Oh woe at these days Oh dark woe

Foolish little creatures in the guise of human beings think all there is to life is themselves and that which stands against them, their greed, their satisfaction, their desires...

Existential brute infants flailing wildly with no regard for anything but themselves.

I call them infants yet pity's too good for such men and women only contempt does it for me.

Is the purpose of life truly just self satisfaction and ego feeding?

Then I apologize for I truly do not belong here

Is it so wrong to be selfless.. to have no ego? Why?

Was it always like this? or does society and greed just make a mockery out of our purpose in life.

Masks on top of masks is all we shall wear until those masks become us and we become them.

So we may walk amongst people unhindered yet dead on the inside.

Perhaps... perhaps I am an enlightened man... perhaps a mad fool... probably the latter... quite possibly the latter.

Why can't I find a purpose... why can't I find a light at the end of my tunnel?

Something to reach for, something to quiet my demons, something to give me peace.

All this pain will fade as does everything... if I just hold on bitterly won't it? Please tell me that... please...

Oh I laugh bitterly oh so bitterly

Oh I grin wickedly oh so wickedly

It can't beat me... my pain makes me who I am... Bitter... tired.. Yet better. Maybe a tad insane but regardless...

Strong and proud and for that I thank it...

I'll walk this life and I'll wait, for storms don't last forever now do they?

Drugs and Friends (Not current)

-- Unknown time and date--

Crossing bridges as I come to them. On the friendship field I must say. It's pathetic if someone's life revolves like that. Sitting in another person's apartment day after day with ganja and alcohol as sole entertainment. Rotting. Decaying. Mind, body and soul. I don't control people's lives nor assume to have a say in them. I got bigger fish to fry but right now you disappoint me. I take that back. I'm sorry it's not true. You disgust me. I'm keeping my distance the emotional support and affection I provide is withdrawn for awhile for how long I don't know. Go be told you're loved by your new bloody drugs and vices. Pissed at you for doing it and pissed at her for encouraging it. Sad really I resolve myself to get there and this kicks me in the face right after it. We cross the bridges when we get there though. A lot more to a person than a few flaws and I still and always will have your name carved upon my heart but I got my own flaws and a burning dislike for such things is one.

I speak of the one that did it. Let's call her Paula shall we? Why am I disgusted not merely disappointed? Because we share views on it. Would you guess that? She's throwing herself into this to drown her troubles and blind herself. We share views in this and as such I held her in this aspect to my own standards. It's just pathetic and to be honest it hurts me a lot. I just tend to tend sadness into anger. I think it the lesser of the two evils in my eyes. Doing something wrong for the sake of feeling that dangerous little kick of doing something you shouldn't, that forbidden bliss of breaking the taboo that you hold yourself to.

Now that that's out. For the encourager let's call her Cristina that sounds good? Well she's been in this for awhile and grown into the issue itself over time. I'm merely dissapointed because she probably knew how I'd feel. Paula however is doing it as some idiotic masochistic fling over torn up emotions. For the Cristina I'm not surprised or shocked at all I've come to terms with it more or less.

It's just a dislike I am very much more wounded by the fact that I love her. I want to go to the movies with her, cook for her, cook with her, cuddle, go to a mall, go for a walk, play in the snow, plan a trip, plan for college, help each other with homework and chores, go out for coffee so on and so forth. I look over and see her rotting for it's the only way I can describe it and wish I was there. I wonder if I'll be enough to turn this around in any noticeable degree.

I realize my conscious ommition of names may make this hard to read. I'm not going to throw around names. I might edit and name them with fake ones. Just went back and did. Lucky you.