Tue Dec 2, 2008, 7:03 AM
Preface-
Well I just finished rewriting waaaay down there and skimmed it once. I stopped writing for awhile as I'm sure my past introductory self will say. Because well not only have I been busy and actually having someone to confide with I guess I grew tired. Don't get me wrong it's mainly just that this slow piece of crap computer is in a smelly basement and my aunt also complains about me using it but to be honest I grew tired of writing in general and I might continue still though I must admit the text below was fun and releasing in a way to do.
Right enough rhetoric, we go to the point. Here and on the title I humbly ask for feedback. One last hurrah for old tired Seb if you will. If you can bear it please read and tell me what you think. I think I've lost most of my watchers from either bouts of inactivity or past entries. Yet right now I stand at a crossroad and I'm worried and tired and well yes I would greatly apreciate help. I've never cared for feedback before it's why my style has been more than a little radical, often and ranty. I'm sorry if it can be said I don't care what people think of what I say most of the time. I mean no offense and I do so because I tolerate and am intrigued by other ways of thinking. Right now I ask for feedback though and well I guess I should shut up now and let my past me from 18 minutes or so ago tell you the facts. Bear in mind I had no plan to write this preface or ask for advice. I do so because I was seized by an unfamiliar sense of helplessness and confusion when actually writing the entry.
Entry-
Hello Old Friend, I haven't written in awhile. I found someone to talk to about anything and everything. In that aspect I am more than happy. It's silly I think that these entries never capture my happy periods. These appear as just some long gaps between dates for others have been serious and stressful times. In a way that they merited not writing at all.
I shouldn't be starting off that way because I am writing most certaintly not a wish to capture some happy times. I guess I am giving that impression so I'll stop. Just idle musing forgive me it's been awhile.
Matter of fact that which is a afoot is this. At around five in the morning I woke up sweating and turned on the air conditioner in high cool and well I wasn't going to sit around waiting for it to cool before going back to bed so I slept. At seven I wake to the commotion of my aunt being agitated and in my room. I think I was supposed to understand what she said but well I was sleeping. Now at around close to eight I manage to rouse myself and go ask her what was the matter before she goes off for work. She claims she could hear during the entire night the air conditioner on high cool. Now the thing is, outside of the fact that I tell you I kept it on low fan and I'm not lying, the model in question is not rickety and prone to coughs and starts you can hear. It is very silent now not only that her saying she can hear it when she sleeps at two and three in the morning because she goes to bed late and I later still. She can hear it through a wall in the small hours of the morning and tell exactly when it's on and which of the different settings. Not only that and here's the cream. My account according to her is a "nice excuse" she remarks dismissively, full of herself sure of her "superhuman" senses.
Not only is that an insult it's insanity. Situations like this have repeated themselves in the last six months. I wouldn't say it bold to say up to a thousand times since every damned dreary moment with her seems to not be able to pass without one.
I tried to bridge for my grandfather's sake and I made it work through sheer optimism and diplomacy for awhile, I watched her blasted idiotic soaps with her at times and nodded to her flawed ideals. Alas I can't do that for long especially in these circumstances and especially if she's an ungrateful neurotic hag at every turn regardless. Outside of her manias and delusions. Her monstrous ego of herself and her powers of judgement based on superhuman perception. There's also the problem that yes she's under economic pressure but that's because she went crazy with her credit cards and get this when she realized what was happening just surrendered to it and used them more until my mom and other aunt stopped her. As a consequence on her path of payment and redemption she's also greedy and controllative. She labels foods in the fridge and asks me to cook old things she doesn't want and not the labelled things. I buy, sotre and cook my own groceries. She has a perverse fixation with anything electronic to the point you can't leave on a lamp and go to the bathroom without it being a serious problem as well as more than 15 minutes in the shower and other weirder more incoherent things. It feels not only am I living with a schizophrenic but am living with one during the Great Depression.
It's come to the point where I do everything when she's not around. I cook and shower and clean and take care of grandpa. Then tidy up when she gets home say goodbye to grandpa and confine myself to my room with a book, a friend on the phone, music or to sleep. If she goes to the basement or out I'm back at Grandpa's side. It has dramatically decreased any clashes over pointless manias and stupid things but it's also made things tense since it's rather obvious I shun her company.
There was an arguement a few days ago in which she made it clear by a loud slip of the tongue she resents me being here. I can deal with that God knows I resent her. She tried to make ammends on how she didn't mean it and she was just frustrated and didn't mean it when it was obvious it's exactly what she meant when she said it. The ammends and apology tasted like ash in my mouth yet I nodded politely for the sake of tense peace.
I spent that afternoon staring at this loveable atrophied near a century old being composed only it would seem of skin and bones. I love him dearly, I love him because he raised and I love him because he's so frail and sick and I'm his caregiver. I don't expect you to understand. I'm protective towards him because nobody takes care of him like I do. Especially not that beast I'm forced to live with that keeps telling him it's okay to die and that he is going to and gave him pnemonia twice while I slept. Of course I ended staying at the hospital for weeks on end when that happenend not her. Of course not the nurses neither though I don't resent that. They have 12 other patients in their shift. In the end though yes I'm bitter.
I stared at him and wished it was just me and him. Because it just is me and him and it could be me and him. I'm with him everyday, I can count the times I've left this apartment in the last six months with one hand.
This has drawn out and I apologize that I filled a great deal of it with anger. I'm sure anyone logical would not need that much persuasion that she is an unpleasant human being in more ways than one. The point is that I've gone past indifferent and I've gone past tired of tolerating my aunt. I'm sick of it. I think and it fills me with an immense sadness and dark foreboding. I'm not tired of my grandfather. Taking care of him makes me happy and of course I'm not sick or indifferent nor would be ever of caring of him. I just wish it was me and him or me and him and anyone else. It makes me immensely sad because it's not fair. I'm sick though, I'm sick of the constant negative attitude of arrogance and ungratefulness, gross stupidity that also affects my grandfather and the plain damned insanity of having to also live with my aunt.
I might go back home or to my other aunt's house. For awhile I hope but I doubt I'd be welcome here again well because I don't feel welcome right now nor ever have. I wish I could strap grandpa to my back and get on a plane. I would never forgive myself if something happens to him after I go.
There's always been talk about a paid daily nursing service. Which has resurfaced more and more amongst my other concerned family members as this has been going on and turning into a 6 month ordeal for me. Still unless my uncle came back and even then some part of me would consider living illegally in the basement to stay with grandpa and continue taking this slow silent martyrdom regardless. If he did come back it's the only clear exit strategy I've ever had simply because 4 people are too many people for this apartment and grandpa would have company. I would accept those terms even if grudgingly still. I'm sure my aunt would love the 8 hour lady and me out. He would be cared for just not by me. Which is why I can't bring myself to say " He would be cared for well".
I want to be with him until the end. I'm not tired of taking care of him. I'm just sick of tolerating her. It's starting to become a physical thing. I just want to go home or anywhere with my grandpa and be with him there.
So the question that haunts me is "What to do?". Take a week or two to clear my head. Maybe it'll rattle my aunt into realizing that she should suck it up and apreciate? I do a lot here. I doubt it though I bet she'll just holler the 8 hour lady and leave it at that. Do I stay? Do I go and trust the 8 hour lady and that my uncle will come back in less than 2 months and entrust my grandfather's care to that? Do I go for two weeks while being adamant that I will return?
I know I shouldn't but my mind keeps turning to the wish of me and him somewhere else. Just me and him until the end.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Done!
Fri Nov 21, 2008, 7:49 PM
Well internet explorer closed my half finished entry. That was charming... I'm too tired too start again... back from hospital... Holocene extinction.... Bees... vibrating beds... yeaaahhh I'll rewrite later.
-------------------------
(Later)
Well first of all I'm slightly disturbed at this very moment. I'm seeing Sarah Palin talking to a reporter while turkeys are slit and disembowled behind her. I guess the main thought going on in my mind over and over again is What the hell? That reporter played her, he didn't say let's move away from the poultry massacre did he? Nope he said Sarah Palin doesn't mind what an insensetive wench ha! this goes hand in hand with shooting wolves from helicopters! big bucks for me! har har. The clip's been running on CNN all day apparently. It bothers me it doesn't surprise me from her but bothers. It's a reminder of the upcoming turkey holocaust. I hope you die clean and you die quickly you nice dumb birds.
To the main course shall we? I got back from the hospital today. I'm bone tired but I'll be shipping my laptop back in the next few days so I basically figured I'll just get the most out of it now and sleep when it's goes for a 2-3 week vacation for repairs. Some entries ago if you might remember I said the hospital staff and doctors loved me and I was worried they'd do something like bake me a cake. Well they did, not bakery related, but they did. They offered me a part time job as a receptionist saying it's sad my nursing and tact can't be put to use but they really hoped i'd take receptionist. I politely declined of course. Grandpa needs me and when he doesn't because he'll be in better hands in the next world I highly doubt I'll stick around New Jersey. I gave them my number and got theirs just in case some freak accident of life happens but more out of politeness. Grandpa's stopped talking but I talk to him anyway. When he's mor alert he nods or shakes his head sometimes he just moves his eyebrows at me. He usually does it when he's alert but sometimes randomly too so I talk to him all the time. It helps me and I think he can her me. I guess if a third person party was to walk in I'd seem insane having full conversations, agreeing with his unspoken consent, inquiries or denials. If I go or it long enough he does pay attention at some point. I also do so for the simple facts that it helps me cope and I love him. Loss of speech doesn't change anything were still having quality time
I remember these nurses came over and they were just taking notes down and asking details and he was alert enough t see them. They left and I go over and put an arm around him and go "All these pretty girls coming to see you eh?" and squeezed his shoulder, he moved his mouth and raised his eyebrows amused and smirked a bit.
His limbs are contracted and it got me thinking. Astronauts get onto these vibrating beds to prevent bone density loss and muscle strenght diminishing. Couldn't this same approach be taken to people who are getting atrophied, in a much more gentler approach of course but I believe it would work. Just a theory of course. I carved soap sculptures with scissors at the hospital. When grandpa sleeps I feel the need to watch over him regardless, there was that incident that mom took me to a mall and left him alone and I got what might be called protective separation anxiety, so I stay in the vicinity. I also get bored out of my mind... so Icarvd soap... scultures... with hair scissors...in a hospital bathroom. I don't want to know what that makes you think about my mental state... I sent a picture message by phone by a friend and then presented them to her when she called. She couldn't stop laughing it made me happy. I named them Creepy Pablo and Konrad. Someone around here might recognize Creepy Pablo...
I met a nursing student who was very kind and se also liked me a lot I think. She was doing part of her practice and was around for 2 days. She was fun she was cheerful, smart and a bit shy and a bit awed at my nursing and medicine knowledge since everything she tried to tell me related to it I'd cut her off with an "I know" and explained it myself. It's been 6 months and not only do I like learning I want to take the best care of Grandpa so I've gone up the ropes and learned with an honest interest. She asked me my age at a point and I gave her a coy smile and she blushed like there was no tomorrow. Her goodbye was a blushing giggling mess since I just kept going for eyecontact with a smirk and gentle nods. I cut her off before she gave me her number she was a sweetheart, maybe at another time I might've taken it further, my love interests lie elsewhere right now though. As risky and knife egded as they are.
I was thinking of the Holocene extinction and the bees. I started the entry that got deleted with this and worded it a lot more nicely because it was actually on my mind at the time. Main thing is how bees are dissapearing and such a large number of plants depend on pollinization by them. Take a moment and think about it, it's pretty damn worrying for me when I do it. I can see a chain reaction, a dominoe effect stemming from and widely and severely affecting flora and fauna as a whole. It's called an ecosystem for a reason you know. Not only is this slowly and surely happening you got so many other negative indirectly or directly human factors attacking the balance from other angles. I can't shake the feeling it's all going to hell then look around me and everyone is still enthralled in their small minds with their excessive shopping and masturbation. It saddens me sometimes, momentarily, I shake it off but still bah. Is it so hard to raise an eye to the heavens and ponder and maybe be conscious of your fleeting time on this world? at least once in your life. I'm a peaceful person generally all of the time but let me tell you I feel rage pure, imaginatively violent and undiluted torwards people who throw trash out their windows while driving.
A lot other stuff went through my mind in the sleepless night on a pullout sofa at the hospital it's a pity I couldn't write them then. I like to think they were more important and interesting than what I wrote now.
Well internet explorer closed my half finished entry. That was charming... I'm too tired too start again... back from hospital... Holocene extinction.... Bees... vibrating beds... yeaaahhh I'll rewrite later.
-------------------------
(Later)
Well first of all I'm slightly disturbed at this very moment. I'm seeing Sarah Palin talking to a reporter while turkeys are slit and disembowled behind her. I guess the main thought going on in my mind over and over again is What the hell? That reporter played her, he didn't say let's move away from the poultry massacre did he? Nope he said Sarah Palin doesn't mind what an insensetive wench ha! this goes hand in hand with shooting wolves from helicopters! big bucks for me! har har. The clip's been running on CNN all day apparently. It bothers me it doesn't surprise me from her but bothers. It's a reminder of the upcoming turkey holocaust. I hope you die clean and you die quickly you nice dumb birds.
To the main course shall we? I got back from the hospital today. I'm bone tired but I'll be shipping my laptop back in the next few days so I basically figured I'll just get the most out of it now and sleep when it's goes for a 2-3 week vacation for repairs. Some entries ago if you might remember I said the hospital staff and doctors loved me and I was worried they'd do something like bake me a cake. Well they did, not bakery related, but they did. They offered me a part time job as a receptionist saying it's sad my nursing and tact can't be put to use but they really hoped i'd take receptionist. I politely declined of course. Grandpa needs me and when he doesn't because he'll be in better hands in the next world I highly doubt I'll stick around New Jersey. I gave them my number and got theirs just in case some freak accident of life happens but more out of politeness. Grandpa's stopped talking but I talk to him anyway. When he's mor alert he nods or shakes his head sometimes he just moves his eyebrows at me. He usually does it when he's alert but sometimes randomly too so I talk to him all the time. It helps me and I think he can her me. I guess if a third person party was to walk in I'd seem insane having full conversations, agreeing with his unspoken consent, inquiries or denials. If I go or it long enough he does pay attention at some point. I also do so for the simple facts that it helps me cope and I love him. Loss of speech doesn't change anything were still having quality time
I remember these nurses came over and they were just taking notes down and asking details and he was alert enough t see them. They left and I go over and put an arm around him and go "All these pretty girls coming to see you eh?" and squeezed his shoulder, he moved his mouth and raised his eyebrows amused and smirked a bit.His limbs are contracted and it got me thinking. Astronauts get onto these vibrating beds to prevent bone density loss and muscle strenght diminishing. Couldn't this same approach be taken to people who are getting atrophied, in a much more gentler approach of course but I believe it would work. Just a theory of course. I carved soap sculptures with scissors at the hospital. When grandpa sleeps I feel the need to watch over him regardless, there was that incident that mom took me to a mall and left him alone and I got what might be called protective separation anxiety, so I stay in the vicinity. I also get bored out of my mind... so Icarvd soap... scultures... with hair scissors...in a hospital bathroom. I don't want to know what that makes you think about my mental state... I sent a picture message by phone by a friend and then presented them to her when she called. She couldn't stop laughing it made me happy. I named them Creepy Pablo and Konrad. Someone around here might recognize Creepy Pablo...
I met a nursing student who was very kind and se also liked me a lot I think. She was doing part of her practice and was around for 2 days. She was fun she was cheerful, smart and a bit shy and a bit awed at my nursing and medicine knowledge since everything she tried to tell me related to it I'd cut her off with an "I know" and explained it myself. It's been 6 months and not only do I like learning I want to take the best care of Grandpa so I've gone up the ropes and learned with an honest interest. She asked me my age at a point and I gave her a coy smile and she blushed like there was no tomorrow. Her goodbye was a blushing giggling mess since I just kept going for eyecontact with a smirk and gentle nods. I cut her off before she gave me her number she was a sweetheart, maybe at another time I might've taken it further, my love interests lie elsewhere right now though. As risky and knife egded as they are.
I was thinking of the Holocene extinction and the bees. I started the entry that got deleted with this and worded it a lot more nicely because it was actually on my mind at the time. Main thing is how bees are dissapearing and such a large number of plants depend on pollinization by them. Take a moment and think about it, it's pretty damn worrying for me when I do it. I can see a chain reaction, a dominoe effect stemming from and widely and severely affecting flora and fauna as a whole. It's called an ecosystem for a reason you know. Not only is this slowly and surely happening you got so many other negative indirectly or directly human factors attacking the balance from other angles. I can't shake the feeling it's all going to hell then look around me and everyone is still enthralled in their small minds with their excessive shopping and masturbation. It saddens me sometimes, momentarily, I shake it off but still bah. Is it so hard to raise an eye to the heavens and ponder and maybe be conscious of your fleeting time on this world? at least once in your life. I'm a peaceful person generally all of the time but let me tell you I feel rage pure, imaginatively violent and undiluted torwards people who throw trash out their windows while driving.
A lot other stuff went through my mind in the sleepless night on a pullout sofa at the hospital it's a pity I couldn't write them then. I like to think they were more important and interesting than what I wrote now.
Happy Halloween!
Sat Nov 1, 2008, 4:38 PM
Happy Halloween Boils and Ghouls!
Do not wear costumes that make you appear as an innocent furry animal, Sarah Palin might shoot you
I hope Sarah Palin reincarnates as a wolf being shot from a helicopter 
Spending my favourite holiday alone which is rather disheartening. Yet it was enjoyable nevertheless though amusingly it didn't vary much from my usual doings. Took a long walk at dusk, dawn and night. Read "At the Mountains of Madness" by Lovecraft and listened the entire day of Nox Arcana as ambient backdrop. I watched some halloween TV specials. I've said this before and I repeat myself "splatter" and "gore" horror fails, it's the most cheap way of horror based on the most childish fear of vurnerability and graphic mutilation. You know it'll revolve around unevitable and great bodily harm by the antagonist. I find it simply foolish since it does not affect me. I would note I love good monster movies greatly even if it's just a monster ripping heads and splitting bodies open, there's still the unknown factor and come on I love beasties and monsters. So yes I will go with splatter films as long as they'll include zombies or inhuman creatures and an interesting plot. Halloween, Jason, Freddy so on. Unstoppable slasher tearing teenagers apart...BORING.
Decapitations, dismsmberment, bludgeoning, stabbing, slashing, crushing, burning, disembowlment are all logical things for me. I would be unnerved if they stabbed a guy in the stomach and nothing came out. I wanted to be a Pathologist since I was 11 and into my early teen years, it seemed like a good paying job nobody else wanted and I didn't mind plus it did and does interest me. This trend went on until I was naive enough to mention it to my family and they reprimanded and outraged so much over me even thinking of such unnatural and unchristian profession choice.
To the point the kind of horror I favor and enjoy in both movies and books is Psychological Horror. It's sublte it deals with what people have under their skin. Their thoughts, their hopes their dreams. Takes fears, guilt, beliefs, sanity, the unknown and emotional instability to heightened levels. The shadowy parts of ourselves we deny and repress and the questions how much can we take when the world and reality we take for granted, that reassures us of our sanity is swept off from under our feet. How far can the human mind go and how much can sanity take as well as what it actually is. I greatly admire and enjoy the works of Edgar Allan Poe, Stephen King and H.P. Lovecraft.
Some mystics and thinkers try to understand the greater picture, the greater reality. Lovecraft's stories twist this ideal by his characters going mad at the glimpse of the greater alien reality which the human mind is not meant to comprehend. Man is an arrogant creature thinking it can master anything and everything in the universe and lovecraft's works usually humble that ideal. Let me find a quote two seconds...
"The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents. We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity; and it was not meant that we should voyage far."
-The Call of Cthulhu
"The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown..."
-H. P. Lovecraft, Supernatural horror in Literature
Stephen King, I've written about his works before. He starts his short stories with a perfectly mundane setting. Joe and his wife with their child timmy living in Oregon falling behind on their taxes. He then tears it apart with inhuman horrors and unexplainable madness that are hidden in such mundane settings. You go along for the ride with the protagonist. His slowly decaying sanity, questioning of reality and everything he once took for granted which I tell you is a good read for me. Since I did it with Lovecraft I'll find one by King. My favorite quote from "The Mist" by Stephen King:
"I spent half of last night thinking I must have flipped out of my gourd, that I was probably in a straitjacket in Danvers, raving my head off about bugs and dinosaur birds and tentacles and that it would all go away as soon as nice orderly came along and shot a wad of Thorazine into my arm"
I won't do a quote with Poe, i'd like to move from authors, but I will recommend you the "Black Cat", "King Pest", "The Tell-Tale Heart" and "The Cask of Amontillado".
As a sidenote I downloaded WoW and played for a bit. I got a two headed dog "The Kurken" with the new exotic beasts ability. I'm sending the computer back but I'll play sporadically until then. No point in getting another game for it since it'll be gone in less than week. As well as no point in downloading the pictures off the camera to be able to take more because I'd lose them once it's sent back. I don't think I'll play it again after that I pretty much got bored with it after an hour.
I will extend this later I want to sleep now. I just wanted to cover up the last entry and muse a bit.
Happy Halloween Boils and Ghouls!
Do not wear costumes that make you appear as an innocent furry animal, Sarah Palin might shoot you
I hope Sarah Palin reincarnates as a wolf being shot from a helicopter Spending my favourite holiday alone which is rather disheartening. Yet it was enjoyable nevertheless though amusingly it didn't vary much from my usual doings. Took a long walk at dusk, dawn and night. Read "At the Mountains of Madness" by Lovecraft and listened the entire day of Nox Arcana as ambient backdrop. I watched some halloween TV specials. I've said this before and I repeat myself "splatter" and "gore" horror fails, it's the most cheap way of horror based on the most childish fear of vurnerability and graphic mutilation. You know it'll revolve around unevitable and great bodily harm by the antagonist. I find it simply foolish since it does not affect me. I would note I love good monster movies greatly even if it's just a monster ripping heads and splitting bodies open, there's still the unknown factor and come on I love beasties and monsters. So yes I will go with splatter films as long as they'll include zombies or inhuman creatures and an interesting plot. Halloween, Jason, Freddy so on. Unstoppable slasher tearing teenagers apart...BORING.
Decapitations, dismsmberment, bludgeoning, stabbing, slashing, crushing, burning, disembowlment are all logical things for me. I would be unnerved if they stabbed a guy in the stomach and nothing came out. I wanted to be a Pathologist since I was 11 and into my early teen years, it seemed like a good paying job nobody else wanted and I didn't mind plus it did and does interest me. This trend went on until I was naive enough to mention it to my family and they reprimanded and outraged so much over me even thinking of such unnatural and unchristian profession choice.
To the point the kind of horror I favor and enjoy in both movies and books is Psychological Horror. It's sublte it deals with what people have under their skin. Their thoughts, their hopes their dreams. Takes fears, guilt, beliefs, sanity, the unknown and emotional instability to heightened levels. The shadowy parts of ourselves we deny and repress and the questions how much can we take when the world and reality we take for granted, that reassures us of our sanity is swept off from under our feet. How far can the human mind go and how much can sanity take as well as what it actually is. I greatly admire and enjoy the works of Edgar Allan Poe, Stephen King and H.P. Lovecraft.
Some mystics and thinkers try to understand the greater picture, the greater reality. Lovecraft's stories twist this ideal by his characters going mad at the glimpse of the greater alien reality which the human mind is not meant to comprehend. Man is an arrogant creature thinking it can master anything and everything in the universe and lovecraft's works usually humble that ideal. Let me find a quote two seconds...
"The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents. We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity; and it was not meant that we should voyage far."
-The Call of Cthulhu
"The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown..."
-H. P. Lovecraft, Supernatural horror in Literature
Stephen King, I've written about his works before. He starts his short stories with a perfectly mundane setting. Joe and his wife with their child timmy living in Oregon falling behind on their taxes. He then tears it apart with inhuman horrors and unexplainable madness that are hidden in such mundane settings. You go along for the ride with the protagonist. His slowly decaying sanity, questioning of reality and everything he once took for granted which I tell you is a good read for me. Since I did it with Lovecraft I'll find one by King. My favorite quote from "The Mist" by Stephen King:
"I spent half of last night thinking I must have flipped out of my gourd, that I was probably in a straitjacket in Danvers, raving my head off about bugs and dinosaur birds and tentacles and that it would all go away as soon as nice orderly came along and shot a wad of Thorazine into my arm"
I won't do a quote with Poe, i'd like to move from authors, but I will recommend you the "Black Cat", "King Pest", "The Tell-Tale Heart" and "The Cask of Amontillado".
As a sidenote I downloaded WoW and played for a bit. I got a two headed dog "The Kurken" with the new exotic beasts ability. I'm sending the computer back but I'll play sporadically until then. No point in getting another game for it since it'll be gone in less than week. As well as no point in downloading the pictures off the camera to be able to take more because I'd lose them once it's sent back. I don't think I'll play it again after that I pretty much got bored with it after an hour.
I will extend this later I want to sleep now. I just wanted to cover up the last entry and muse a bit.
Emooooooooo <_<
Sat Nov 1, 2008, 4:37 PM
I've been pretty down lately. I guess it's been a combination of things. Mainly just feeling drained and tired in generally. I also haven't spoken to anyone in person but my aunt fo months, unless you want to count home aids, nurses and UPS men but they are the kind of people who mumble about the weather then are on their way. Grandpa doesn't speak anymore, he's neither better nor worse. I don't write about him lately because I realized the entries were just detailed and often repetetive accounts of my care of him. I still do it daily and he's fine besides the occasional bump like a fever or a skin ulcer which I treat and are gone in less than 2 days or so. He doesn't speak or laugh anymore and that stings me deeply. I love him and would love to hear anything at all from him. It's just me and him you see, all alone most of the day until my aunt comes home and she's nothing but a thorn. I've taken refuge in books, music, exercise and documentaries when not tending to him. Kind of funny even though caring for him takes up a lot of time I've also taken the rest of the mentioned pastimes to unhealthy lenghts to keep entertained. My laptop which was supposed to be my birthday gift came bugged a second time. I've had two friends tell me they've gone to concerts of bands I like one going as far as quoting "I wish you could've been there, I don't even like the band that much and they were awesome." That is a reference to NIN
Concering someone I like and likes me back well... I darkly muse I'll hurt her or she'll hurt me. Probably I will considering my late sullen and dark mood. I do know it's not love unless someone gets hurt I'm just not sure if I want it right now. I'm not sure what I want right now at all. I don't really think about it really. My duty is here but it's taking a toll and I can no longer deny that or at least for this current vurnerable moment I cannot. It's been awhile since I've felt like this. I dislike and abhor contact with people in general even people I've let in before. This doesn't interfere with my care of grandpa since he's innocent and I'm a caretaker. I've never been able to be angry or hateful to anything innocent or pure like a child, an animal or someone mentally or physically incapacitated. For the rest of the world my loathing is plain when the mood sets in. In which cases I take sole companionship of the aforementioned beings as solace. Caring for something or someone brings me peace and comfort, it gives me something to anchor, to focus on and be stable and strong for. Then I build from that into social charm and content until the next foul mood falls upon me and I scorn and hate the world at large once more. This cycle started passively since my childhood. Became extremely aggressive in my early and mid teens. Presently it's rare, like the space between a giant's footsteps and I manage it better. Hopefully it'll fade someday or I'll go live as a hermit. Most people are slaves to a ridiculous culture. They seem annoyingly happy and ignorant. It seems to me ignorance and happiness must go hand in hand. I know that that life's not for me, but it hurts not to be understood at all sometimes... sometimes. Other times, most of the time, I banish that feeling away with monstrous arrogance and pride in what I've gone through, who I am and what I've done. I feel no kinship with people who do not or have not suffered greatly. I think that is messed up sometimes. I can only relate with innocent souls and souls who have suffered or do. Is there something wrong with me at some level?
Given I can always accept the company of someone that intrigues me or interests me, an outcast or oddball that I feel protective of or reminds me of myself. As well as of course people who are kind-hearted and caring by nature though sometimes I shut these warm souls out as to not rain on their parade. I got a world inside of me, a private hell of fears and dark memories, odd dreams and chilling nightmares. Strong beliefs that may seem alien or masochistic and harsh to myself to others. I'm rather empathic and caring with the patience of a tree yet this is matched by my sadism and cruelty yet this is only when I feel justified towards someone that hurts someone or something I care for. This however makes it hard for me to define myself as a good or a bad person. I believe in doing what's right and striving for the well-being of others. In brightening up the corner of the world and the lives I inhabit. I also believe supressing my darker emotions such as hate and cruelty to be folly there's nothing ugly about them by themselves. It's all about how you express them. Nietzsche once said those who fight monsters should take care not to become them. I think I'm past that point and sometimes I think I always have been. Just myself as caring, playful, affectionate, loyal, calm, hard working, reclusive, secretive, tough, self sufficient, analytical, sadistic, spiteful, hateful, cruel I am.
I can outwardly appear as a pleasantly social person but it's a subconscious charade more often than not though it has it's honest moments they aren't as often as they may seem or people may think. I'll always be a pariah at heart.
Today I'm not shining. To be the truthful it's more like a stubborn fierce smouldering of a fire that refuses to go out. Yet I'm out or dangerously close but ha curse my pride I worry not at all or as much as I should because I always get up again so this is just a phase. I tell you this and I guess I tell myself too.
I've been pretty down lately. I guess it's been a combination of things. Mainly just feeling drained and tired in generally. I also haven't spoken to anyone in person but my aunt fo months, unless you want to count home aids, nurses and UPS men but they are the kind of people who mumble about the weather then are on their way. Grandpa doesn't speak anymore, he's neither better nor worse. I don't write about him lately because I realized the entries were just detailed and often repetetive accounts of my care of him. I still do it daily and he's fine besides the occasional bump like a fever or a skin ulcer which I treat and are gone in less than 2 days or so. He doesn't speak or laugh anymore and that stings me deeply. I love him and would love to hear anything at all from him. It's just me and him you see, all alone most of the day until my aunt comes home and she's nothing but a thorn. I've taken refuge in books, music, exercise and documentaries when not tending to him. Kind of funny even though caring for him takes up a lot of time I've also taken the rest of the mentioned pastimes to unhealthy lenghts to keep entertained. My laptop which was supposed to be my birthday gift came bugged a second time. I've had two friends tell me they've gone to concerts of bands I like one going as far as quoting "I wish you could've been there, I don't even like the band that much and they were awesome." That is a reference to NIN
Concering someone I like and likes me back well... I darkly muse I'll hurt her or she'll hurt me. Probably I will considering my late sullen and dark mood. I do know it's not love unless someone gets hurt I'm just not sure if I want it right now. I'm not sure what I want right now at all. I don't really think about it really. My duty is here but it's taking a toll and I can no longer deny that or at least for this current vurnerable moment I cannot. It's been awhile since I've felt like this. I dislike and abhor contact with people in general even people I've let in before. This doesn't interfere with my care of grandpa since he's innocent and I'm a caretaker. I've never been able to be angry or hateful to anything innocent or pure like a child, an animal or someone mentally or physically incapacitated. For the rest of the world my loathing is plain when the mood sets in. In which cases I take sole companionship of the aforementioned beings as solace. Caring for something or someone brings me peace and comfort, it gives me something to anchor, to focus on and be stable and strong for. Then I build from that into social charm and content until the next foul mood falls upon me and I scorn and hate the world at large once more. This cycle started passively since my childhood. Became extremely aggressive in my early and mid teens. Presently it's rare, like the space between a giant's footsteps and I manage it better. Hopefully it'll fade someday or I'll go live as a hermit. Most people are slaves to a ridiculous culture. They seem annoyingly happy and ignorant. It seems to me ignorance and happiness must go hand in hand. I know that that life's not for me, but it hurts not to be understood at all sometimes... sometimes. Other times, most of the time, I banish that feeling away with monstrous arrogance and pride in what I've gone through, who I am and what I've done. I feel no kinship with people who do not or have not suffered greatly. I think that is messed up sometimes. I can only relate with innocent souls and souls who have suffered or do. Is there something wrong with me at some level?Given I can always accept the company of someone that intrigues me or interests me, an outcast or oddball that I feel protective of or reminds me of myself. As well as of course people who are kind-hearted and caring by nature though sometimes I shut these warm souls out as to not rain on their parade. I got a world inside of me, a private hell of fears and dark memories, odd dreams and chilling nightmares. Strong beliefs that may seem alien or masochistic and harsh to myself to others. I'm rather empathic and caring with the patience of a tree yet this is matched by my sadism and cruelty yet this is only when I feel justified towards someone that hurts someone or something I care for. This however makes it hard for me to define myself as a good or a bad person. I believe in doing what's right and striving for the well-being of others. In brightening up the corner of the world and the lives I inhabit. I also believe supressing my darker emotions such as hate and cruelty to be folly there's nothing ugly about them by themselves. It's all about how you express them. Nietzsche once said those who fight monsters should take care not to become them. I think I'm past that point and sometimes I think I always have been. Just myself as caring, playful, affectionate, loyal, calm, hard working, reclusive, secretive, tough, self sufficient, analytical, sadistic, spiteful, hateful, cruel I am.
I can outwardly appear as a pleasantly social person but it's a subconscious charade more often than not though it has it's honest moments they aren't as often as they may seem or people may think. I'll always be a pariah at heart.
Today I'm not shining. To be the truthful it's more like a stubborn fierce smouldering of a fire that refuses to go out. Yet I'm out or dangerously close but ha curse my pride I worry not at all or as much as I should because I always get up again so this is just a phase. I tell you this and I guess I tell myself too.
Dreams and Food but not Food Dreams
Thu Oct 30, 2008, 9:46 PM
I have a theory! I was reflecting upon this dream I had and realized in it, like in others, i'm woken by an outside event or factor. My nightmares have faded for almost a 2 months, except for the occasional one but I won't complain it beats daily 4-5 times a week, but that's just a sidenote. Thing is I can usually have dreams that end before I'm woken by whatever external factor. Not just cut short even in the case of nightmares but they do actually end even if in a climax of desperate horror in case of nightmares. Last one was that my grandfather's limbs were merging into his torso and I was trying to stop them because he was crying and I was screaming during it.. or he was screaming and I was crying... or we were doing both. It simply got more futile and frantic and the room started shaking until I simply held him and took him with me out the door. Then I woke gently (although disturbed) because someone was knocking on the door. This was in the hosptal but what drew my attention was the time factor between the dream and the physical event.
More recent, today the phone rang twice before I picked it up and grumbled something unintelligeble into it. I was having a dream about a dear friend being lost and me following her without being able to catch up while she looked hopelessly confused, that sequence seems long looking back at it. Yet when the phone rang it ended with me catching up and hugging her and talking. Once again not a short sequence. Upon reflecting on it I realized I've been also woken under the alike circumstances or ways before.
So I came to think to myself. How is dream time defined? I have a feeling not by real world standards at all. If you try to examine sequences shortly before being woken or whilst being half awake the impression they give don't add up with the time it takes to come out of sleep. The waking is shorter and the dream sequence seems longer than it. So how does the brain manage it? I'll take a guess and say dreams are run at thought speed and that's why we can cram actions that'd take us minutes to do into real-time seconds or less in our dreams. Why do my dreams climax when I'm about to wake either by myself or from external factors. That I'm not sure at all. It's like they try to resolve themselves before I wake.
In other news my laptop is here again and it's defective... again. The CD reader is broken and the keyboard doesn't light up as it should. I do not recommend alienware
Unless they give me coupons 
I troubleshot with technicians for 8 hours straight today (the same day I got it, 15 minutes later actually) it ended with either send it back or we'll send you spare parts and tell you how to replace them. Not sure what to do yet. My camera is still pregnant like a sow and I won't download the pictures into a omputer that might be sent back or wiped. This makes me sad since I was really looking forward to taking more pictures and now I can't
I cook for myself all the time now and it's fun. I've always enjoyed cooking but I've been thinking about vegetarism. Rice is my favorite I can eat buckets I usually eat like two pieaces of chicken and a BUCKET of rice when I feel like indulging
Well I eat meat in part because I know supermarkets throw away food that's about to expire under LOCK AND KEY so homeless people can't steal and eat it or other people sell it. I've always been aware I'm eating another being's flesh and it revolts me when I come across a whole meat meal. I can imagine digging into a person's flesh (not that different from the animal's) and chewing and gulping ugh *shudder* I really don't mind it that much when I cook for myself and respect the animal. I also make extensive use of herbs and vegetables and other edibles to alongside it, meat is never the main course just part of the diet. I'm odd enough to have borrowed thanking the animal and asking for forgiveness from it's spirit since I was 9 from watching an African Hunter do it on the discovery channel. I believe he was a Massai. Before that I always felt bad over it, I grew up with animals for friends and have always kept a large number of pets and had a strong affinity for them, however I had nowhere to channel the empathy and sadness over being served a butchered penned miserable animal. Oddly enough I feel less guilty if I cook them something pretty and thank them. Not half burn the chicken alongside some hasty made greasy fries it feels despective and insulting. If someone were to eat me at least grill me right and serve me with veggies and clean your plate mister! I just can't understand how people go "I feel like casually devouring the flesh of a living being today just like every other day!"
The only thing that stops me from being vegetarian are the facts I know supermarkets throw meat out. It pisses me off there are children starving and they can't get profit and money out of their minds to have an ounce of humanitarian thought. My family thinks meat is great and feel no remorse and if the few that do are hypocritical. "Industrial Farming is Horrible!" *15minutes later* "I want a tripple whopper with cheese"... meh so doing it in my teens would've meant not eating most of what was on the table or the fridge. I personally love seafood, it would be the biggest thing for me to leave. Fish, crustaceans and mollusks don't inspire that much sympathy in me for some reason, guess it's their lack of emotion, expression and lack of pain sensetivity. I know, for example lobsters don't feel when they're boiled. Seafood just gives me the impression of clockwork edible things and as I said before inspire little to no sympathy. It's like if you winded up a toy and told me it was edible. I favor of seafood or all-veggie meals! A lot easier now that I'm alone most of the day and cook for myself. So It's a start so hopefully someday soon I'll be able to buy my own groceries.
I adore raisin bread peanut butter sandwiches. Everyone should try them once!
I have a theory! I was reflecting upon this dream I had and realized in it, like in others, i'm woken by an outside event or factor. My nightmares have faded for almost a 2 months, except for the occasional one but I won't complain it beats daily 4-5 times a week, but that's just a sidenote. Thing is I can usually have dreams that end before I'm woken by whatever external factor. Not just cut short even in the case of nightmares but they do actually end even if in a climax of desperate horror in case of nightmares. Last one was that my grandfather's limbs were merging into his torso and I was trying to stop them because he was crying and I was screaming during it.. or he was screaming and I was crying... or we were doing both. It simply got more futile and frantic and the room started shaking until I simply held him and took him with me out the door. Then I woke gently (although disturbed) because someone was knocking on the door. This was in the hosptal but what drew my attention was the time factor between the dream and the physical event.
More recent, today the phone rang twice before I picked it up and grumbled something unintelligeble into it. I was having a dream about a dear friend being lost and me following her without being able to catch up while she looked hopelessly confused, that sequence seems long looking back at it. Yet when the phone rang it ended with me catching up and hugging her and talking. Once again not a short sequence. Upon reflecting on it I realized I've been also woken under the alike circumstances or ways before.
So I came to think to myself. How is dream time defined? I have a feeling not by real world standards at all. If you try to examine sequences shortly before being woken or whilst being half awake the impression they give don't add up with the time it takes to come out of sleep. The waking is shorter and the dream sequence seems longer than it. So how does the brain manage it? I'll take a guess and say dreams are run at thought speed and that's why we can cram actions that'd take us minutes to do into real-time seconds or less in our dreams. Why do my dreams climax when I'm about to wake either by myself or from external factors. That I'm not sure at all. It's like they try to resolve themselves before I wake.
In other news my laptop is here again and it's defective... again. The CD reader is broken and the keyboard doesn't light up as it should. I do not recommend alienware
Unless they give me coupons I troubleshot with technicians for 8 hours straight today (the same day I got it, 15 minutes later actually) it ended with either send it back or we'll send you spare parts and tell you how to replace them. Not sure what to do yet. My camera is still pregnant like a sow and I won't download the pictures into a omputer that might be sent back or wiped. This makes me sad since I was really looking forward to taking more pictures and now I can't I cook for myself all the time now and it's fun. I've always enjoyed cooking but I've been thinking about vegetarism. Rice is my favorite I can eat buckets I usually eat like two pieaces of chicken and a BUCKET of rice when I feel like indulging
Well I eat meat in part because I know supermarkets throw away food that's about to expire under LOCK AND KEY so homeless people can't steal and eat it or other people sell it. I've always been aware I'm eating another being's flesh and it revolts me when I come across a whole meat meal. I can imagine digging into a person's flesh (not that different from the animal's) and chewing and gulping ugh *shudder* I really don't mind it that much when I cook for myself and respect the animal. I also make extensive use of herbs and vegetables and other edibles to alongside it, meat is never the main course just part of the diet. I'm odd enough to have borrowed thanking the animal and asking for forgiveness from it's spirit since I was 9 from watching an African Hunter do it on the discovery channel. I believe he was a Massai. Before that I always felt bad over it, I grew up with animals for friends and have always kept a large number of pets and had a strong affinity for them, however I had nowhere to channel the empathy and sadness over being served a butchered penned miserable animal. Oddly enough I feel less guilty if I cook them something pretty and thank them. Not half burn the chicken alongside some hasty made greasy fries it feels despective and insulting. If someone were to eat me at least grill me right and serve me with veggies and clean your plate mister! I just can't understand how people go "I feel like casually devouring the flesh of a living being today just like every other day!"
The only thing that stops me from being vegetarian are the facts I know supermarkets throw meat out. It pisses me off there are children starving and they can't get profit and money out of their minds to have an ounce of humanitarian thought. My family thinks meat is great and feel no remorse and if the few that do are hypocritical. "Industrial Farming is Horrible!" *15minutes later* "I want a tripple whopper with cheese"... meh so doing it in my teens would've meant not eating most of what was on the table or the fridge. I personally love seafood, it would be the biggest thing for me to leave. Fish, crustaceans and mollusks don't inspire that much sympathy in me for some reason, guess it's their lack of emotion, expression and lack of pain sensetivity. I know, for example lobsters don't feel when they're boiled. Seafood just gives me the impression of clockwork edible things and as I said before inspire little to no sympathy. It's like if you winded up a toy and told me it was edible. I favor of seafood or all-veggie meals! A lot easier now that I'm alone most of the day and cook for myself. So It's a start so hopefully someday soon I'll be able to buy my own groceries.
I adore raisin bread peanut butter sandwiches. Everyone should try them once!
Pictures :o
Tue Oct 28, 2008, 10:19 AM
It's snowed! It snowed! It was fun I didn't have gloves so resorted to wearing fluffy socks on my hands. They weren't so bad I just didn't have any thumb-use with them. I could cut holes for my fingers in them later and use them like that 
Point is I couldn't work the camera though so my right hand had to be bare and so it was and I damn near froze it. It got red and completely numb but the camera doesn't work itself though so 
I was excited enough not to notice it until after awhile then I just ignored it. I write about it now because I'm feeling it as I type 
I got some Fall pictures too so yeah this is going to be quite a submission. Not sticking to my usual posting batches of 4 deviations at a time so strap yourselves in boys and girls if you plan on checking them all out. I'm actually going to stop trying to write this entry and submit and just concentrate on submitting. I'll finish the entry at the end if I do have the time
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Alas ladies and gents I must take my leave since I do have things to do chief amongst them to cook for myself since my breakfast was going outside to take pictures and my lunch was uploading them My tummy growls it's disapproval 
It's snowed! It snowed! It was fun
I didn't have gloves so resorted to wearing fluffy socks on my hands. They weren't so bad I just didn't have any thumb-use with them. I could cut holes for my fingers in them later and use them like that Point is I couldn't work the camera though so my right hand had to be bare and so it was and I damn near froze it. It got red and completely numb but the camera doesn't work itself though so I was excited enough not to notice it until after awhile then I just ignored it. I write about it now because I'm feeling it as I type I got some Fall pictures too so yeah this is going to be quite a submission. Not sticking to my usual posting batches of 4 deviations at a time so strap yourselves in boys and girls if you plan on checking them all out. I'm actually going to stop trying to write this entry and submit and just concentrate on submitting. I'll finish the entry at the end if I do have the time
-------------
Alas ladies and gents I must take my leave since I do have things to do chief amongst them to cook for myself since my breakfast was going outside to take pictures and my lunch was uploading them
My tummy growls it's disapproval
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